A California Girl In Paris

PART TWO

2008-10-24T07:11:00.001-07:00

So I am back in Paris!

But with a new blog...

Thatchickinparis.blogspot.com

check it out

The Blog

2007-08-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

This blog began as a way to talk to my friends while I am away. We usually tell each other everything about our lives in graphic detail, not to mention live it out together. Being across the planet proved hard to keep everyone up to date with my life, and I realized that many people were missing big chunks of the story. So I set up this blog to be like a mass email to my friends back home. Hence the excruciating details about everything that ever crosses my mind.

But now I am realizing I will soon have a problem. In less than a month I will no longer be a cali girl in paris. I will just be a cali girl in cali. And my friends will all actually know what is going on in my life. Well most of them anyway. What will I write in this blog? Not to mention who will read it? I am not too convinced that other people besides my friends back home actually read this. And if thats the case, when all I see are my friends, who am I going to write about? I cant exactly talk about people when they are reading this!! Maybe I will try to make it more bloggy and less every detail of my life that ever happens. Hopefully I will make my way back to paris and it can all start again.

BTW, I openned the comments thingy up to everyone, so write me a message!

Scared

2007-08-17T09:21:00.000-07:00

My brother was here for a week! So much fun... I was worried it would be weird, since we never really hang out together normally, but it turned out great. The last night got a bit boring and we kind of ran out of stuff to say to each other, but that was also the night after a trip to amsterdam, so we were both a bit wiped out, to say the least. Definitely my favorite night was when A got back from Corsica before heading to Canada. He met up with me and my brother and we went to dinner (an amazing meal btw). I feel like the two meshed well and then we went to meet V and her sister, who was also visiting, at my favorite sangria bar in Paris. It was just a perfect night. We came back to my apartment and my bro went to bed and A and I watched movies on my computer. And what i mean by watch movies is fuck to movies trying to make zero noise. Hopefully my brother was sufficiently drunk to pass out hard? Yes? I hope...

Now with my brother gone I am seriously lonely and miss A more than ever. I love just talking to him and I feel like I have so much to tell him right now. I want to talk about my trip, about my brother, about staying in paris, about graduating. We just sit in bed and lie there together and talk for hours and I love it... and the sex too... But realizing this makes me think the thing I crave really is just friends and people I can talk to. And its true. A is my best friend here and when he is gone I am pretty lonely. But at the same time, one reason I really like him is because I really can talk to him about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I love talking to him and the things I want to talk about are about Paris and other things we have talked about. And thats my idea of a great relationship. That you love to talk to each other and are ABLE to talk to each other all the time. So maybe it is more than me just not having enough friends, or maybe it intensifies my feeling for him. But I cant help it. I still am crazy about him even though I know I am working myself for the biggest heartbreak when I leave. Not to mention sitting around and being depressed and mopey my last few weeks in Paris. I know its stupid and not worth it but I am totally deep in it. I even got a cute message from Kiwi and all I could think about was how much I dont want to see him and how much I wish it was A coming early. Thats bad.

And now I am scared. More like terrified. The A situation and just the whole Paris situation brings up so many questions about my future and my hopes and dreams and what I want and what will happen in the end.

Will I be able to leave Paris without totally losing my shit? Will I go back to school and totally hate it and not be able to get back into the swing of things? Will A and I stay in touch? Will I want him when I leave? Will I try to wait for him? Will he wait for me? Will I be able to come back to Paris at all? Is the only reason I want to come back him? If I come back will it even be the same at all? How the fuck am I even going to get back here? Am I going to get lazy and comfortable in the US again and not want to come back? Am I going to be able to leave my friends and family again to come back and be lonely? What if I came back and didnt have A? Will this time in Paris turn into that happy memory of the year I spent in Paris and thats it? Will it be an opening in my life that I miss and have my lost life that I think about and wonder if only? Or will it be the beginning of a whole new life I will start here?

I dont know the answers to any of this and it scares me to think what will happen.

But in fact I dont give a shit to what will happen. I just want what I know that is FOR SURE going to happen not to happen. And that is leaving Paris now. It is all ending like I have a big timer above my head but I dont have enough time to finish like I want to. Everything is going well with everything and now I just have to up and leave. I have to leave A because my time is up, not because I dont want him anymore. If anything I want him more than ever. And that is basically the most unfair thing I can imagine right now, and I am crying thinking about it.

And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And that's what absolutely terrifies me.

Not His Day

2007-08-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

H called me on Tuesday, and we made plans to meet up the next day. I dont know why I did it. Okay I kno why, I am spineless and I cant say no and I feel bad and hes my friend and the sex was hot. So shoot me.

5 min before we are supposed to meet up he calls me and directs me to another metro stop, 3 stops and a metro change away. I get there and hes late. We walk to the bar he wants to show me, but its closed. We end up walking to where we were supposed to meet up, and go to another bar he likes. Its closed too. Its starting to rain, so I take him to a bar I know. He feels pretty stupid for being late and making me walk everywhere and he seems pretty nervous. He apologizes and offers to pay for my drinks. He cant get the waiter's attention forever and finally has to go to the bar. When we get ready to pay, he realizes he doesnt have any money. I say its fine and offer to pay, but he says no and runs off to the atm. We go to a corner store to buy beer and the clerks think he is american and are all talking to me and kind of flirting. Poor H...

We go to my aparment and chill. Listen to music and what not. He announces that he will have to leave to chatch the train in 30 min. Okay. Then he plants a very awkward kiss on me. I start laughing. Oops. 'Do you think this is funny? Me leaving or me kissing you?' I try to explain that its just strange kissing him and stuff, but it doesnt go very well. Whatever, we make out more and I direct him to come into my bedroom. I am wearing tights so i run and try to peal them off real quick. Not sexy. We start kissing but I have to pee so i run to the bathroom. I kind of killed the mood i guess. Oops. H has turned on my light and as we start kissing and moving toward the bed I turn it off. It goes pitch black, and I say thats what I like. Apparently he likes a little light. I suggest candles, but it takes a while to get them set up and stuff. Again not sexy. We try to undress eachother but we are both fumbling around. Finally he goes down on me, and its okay but not like the first time. I reach to get a condom and he says he has one. He excuses himself though and goes to the bathroom.
-umm are you okay?
-I'm so sorry I dont know what happened this has never happened before.
-Oh um its okay, lets just go to sleep, or what time is it?
-This is so embarrassing. I am just 23!! This shouldnt be happening!
-Its okay. You can sleep here tonight. Lets just chill out and watch a movie.

We start watching Edward Sissorhands and half way through we stop it and start fooling around again. he goes to find a condom and we cant find them and he loses it again. Poor guy i think he is going to cry
-I HATE MYSELF. why is this happening?? I have a beautiful girl next to me and I have been going crazy all night. I was afraid you would notice it so finally i had to kiss you because I couldnt take it any more. Oh god this is so embarrassing.
oh man... He is taking this hard. I try to say its okay and stuff, but he is dying a little bit inside i think. He says he likes giving me pleasure though so he goes down on me again. Again it was better before. He goes for the condom again and this time he stays hard. But the sex lasts about 3 minutes tops. He comes so fast I cant really believe it. Neither can he. I thought he was bad before, now he is a bit more than embarrassed. Poor guy.

We go to sleep and he says he will call me the next day. He does but I was asleep and dont answer. Last night he calls me and wants to come over but I kind of brush him off, making excuses. Its not cuz of what happened, its just that I dont want to see him every other night. I feel awful though.

But I am really glad he didnt come. At 2:30 A calls me. I have been missing him a lot. I am over the whole crying thing, but I still wish he was here. We just talk about nothing and have fun and I like him a lot. He is coming back to Paris for like a night or two, hes not sure. He was excited at the prospect of meeting my brother, but not so much at the fact that my brother will be staying in my room and therefore he cannot stay in my room. Well, maybe I can work something out. I just want to see him though. : (

Man i am so tired i want to crawl under my desk and sleep forever. Sorry this one came out not too exciting, I am just not that excitable at the moment. I hate rain.

Gone Again

2007-08-04T07:07:00.001-07:00

A ended up staying until Friday morning, and it was amazing. Just so much fun and hanging together, sleeping in and being together. I love the level of comfort I feel with him. I feel completely at ease with him. I am totally me. And he likes it. He gets me. We just work together. And its nice. really really nice. He had a lot of work to do in his house, painting and all, so we spent most of the time hanging at his house. And by hanging i mean watching him paint and occasionally fucking. His last night he had a dinner with his friends, but we met up at his afterwards. We stayed up all night talking, kissing, watching TV, and just being together. After an hour of sleep we had to leave. I took him to the train station. From the moment we left his house I was crying. We had a beautifully dramatic goodbye at the train station, kissing while he is on the train and I am on the platform. Watching the train pull away. Me silently crying my eyes out on my way home.

Its not that hes leaving. Its not that he will be gone for a month. Well its kinda those things. But its mainly that every time I think about him I realize that I am really falling for him. And that when he gets back to Paris we will have 9 days together, and then I leave Paris. For good. I think about getting on the airplane and not knowing whether or not I will ever see him again. If I will ever come back to Paris. Its that I want him here now. Its that my heart breaks every time he leaves and I know it will just happen again. And next time I wont have a date to look forward to seeing him again. Next time it will be the final good bye. And thats why I havent stopped crying since yesterday. Thats why I am being a bitch to E in the cafe. Thats why I ate 3 cups of ice cream last night. And that is why I know I really did fall for him.

At the same time I also know that this is not a real relationship. Its imaginary. Its ten days of bliss and then a month apart. Every time he comes back its for the most part amazing. He does things that pisses me off, but I let him off cuz we dont have much time together. And the things that piss me off are usually stupid and BECAUSE he is leaving so soon. Like him going out with his friends and not seeing me. Normally, that would be FINE. Actually thats completely normal. When he is here for a short time that makes me cry. And believe me, I am not like this usually... I dont think... I am not clingly psycho girl I swear. This time around I was a lot better too. I didnt just wait around for him. I didnt cry when he didnt see me. I had a life too. And he was a lot better too. He called more. He came by more. We went out together... Dinner, drinks... He met my friends. Twice. When he went out with his friends I only complained a little and he came home before 2. It wasnt just about sex. He would come over after painting and seeing his friends and we would both be tired. We just talked and hung out and watched movies and smoked pot. And that was even better than fucking sometimes. We fell asleep holding each other and woke up still holding each other. He was even clingy sometimes!

But now hes gone. And then I will be gone. Right now I feel empty. And lonely. A is my best friend in Paris. And now I have barely 2 friends here. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out. I want to cry all the time. I have that empty gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach. And if its this bad now leaving Paris will kill me. And that is what is making me sadder. Anticipation for the worst moment of my life (okay maybe thats a bit dramatic). But leaving this city I love, to go back to my shit home life then back to my shit school life. I am soooo excited to see all my friends again but this city is my home. And A has my heart. And when I leave I am afraid I will just be a ghost of a person.

I will come back to Paris. But when? What will it be like? If I am lonely now, what will it be like then? Will I still want to see A? Will I even want to come back? I hate the future. I want to know what lies ahead. I want things to stay exactly the same. Well how it was when A was here. And ship my friends to paris... and put wifi in my apartment. Then life would be absolutely wonderful. too bad life is only wonderful in dreams. :( Now I can only cry and dream.

Cry and dream.

Love

2007-07-31T01:54:00.000-07:00

At a bar with friends
-So you are in Love with him...
-What?? No!
-The way you just turned bright red and giggled would say yes...
-Hes not here long enough for me to love him. And I am leaving Paris! I may never see him again...
-So what? You still love him.
-Well during the simpsons movie he did squeeze my hand at the love part...
-Oh you have it bad...

Outside the metro station in the morning after a night together, before I have to go to work. A and I are talking/kissing/avoiding seperating.
-L'amour est beau! L'amour est beau! (Love is beautiful--an old man passing us says this)
-Il est beau...
-I don't love you! Maybe if you were here longer than a week at a time I could. But I dont want to love you.
-What? Dont say that...
-I am leaving Paris so soon. I dont want a broken heart. I like you a lot but I cant love you.
-Thats true... Well when you come back to Paris...
-You better not have a girlfriend when I come back
-Well how long are you going to make me wait?
-Forever...

Last night the old host fam invited me to dinner. Kind of awkward, sitting next to A and pretending like I havent seen him in months... And when his dad set up a dinner date for me to meet some guy he thinks I will like... And when his dad was getting pissy that A wanted to stay an extra couple days in Paris instead of leaving the next day with them. Because of me... I not so slyly asked A to walk me home. His parents told him to hurry back.
-So if you stay when will you leave?
-Thursday morning...
-Thats it? An extra night? Stay until the weekend!
-I cant, I have a ticket for the boat and I have to meet them.
We get to my door and kiss for a long time. A drunk girl walks by us and starts shouting 'Les Amoureux! Les Amoureux!' (The lovers)
-Stay the night
-Umm my parents might ask questions... Ha ha ha, they expect me back.
-Well come back later... Just say there is an emergency.
-Yeah I need to fuck my host sister! :)
-That might work...
-Well I should stay home if I want to stay the extra days. If I was leaving tomorrow i would just say whatever and leave, but now...
-No, come back! Please, who cares if they get pissed? They are already pissed and they will leave tomorrow and then it wont matter. Just come sleep with me... (kissing and hip movements work in my favor...)
-Okay I will try to come over... Okay I will come over later.
-Promise?
-Promise

He didnt come. He didnt call. I kind of figured as much, but a call would have been nice. But I cant shake the feeling that I want to cry. I am so scared his parents got pissed ane they are making him leave today. Even if he stays thinking about him leaving thursday is making me want to cry. Then I think about leaving Paris and I want to cry. I think about a whole year or more at school and I want to cry. I want to come back to Paris as soon as I can, but then I realize it will be super hard and it prob wont happen, and guess what? I want to cry. I have that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Hungry but I cant eat.

How is my heart breaking if I was never in love in the first place? Am I in love? Every time I start falling for A really, he leaves and I am mess. I fall just in time for him to rip my heart out. And guess what. He did it again.

I want to cry. Love sucks.

Fourth Surprise

2007-07-26T08:24:00.000-07:00

Having A back is amazing. I know hes a flake and young and stupid, but i really like him. Going out with him and just sitting together and talking and drinking and kissing is so fun. Then we come home and make out on the stairs and fuck all night. Yumm. Falling asleep together we cuddle and he kisses my back. Waking up is evil but toegether we slowly pull eachother up (and sometimes back in). Everything is perfect and I dont want it to ever end.

At work just thinking about the great sex of last night... Slightly drunken, long lasting, many moves, all over the place. And a sublime sleep together.

One of my coworkers comes up to my desk and hands me her phone. uh wha?

Hey Sista, surprise!

Oh shit. Its Kiwi. His accent is more fun than I remember. I am so awkward. I dont know what to say, and I am at work! I am bright red and giggling like a school girl. He says its hot in LA and he is naked and getting in the shower. 'Umm its hot here too!' Oh god, why cant i think of anything clever to say. 'Duh I am a retard...' okay so its not that bad but it might as well be. I take the phone back after we end the worst phone conversation I have ever had and going back to my desk is like the walk of shame. I cant stop giggling and blushing.

God four surprises in less than 3 days. I cant take all this action! I love all the attention, I do, but sometimes i miss nobody liking me and my life not being a psycho shit show.

Well, maybe not really...

Third Surprise

2007-07-24T08:20:00.000-07:00

Just got a text message that made me giggle out loud:

Hi sister. Watched you on camera saying: 'i want to change the world'. You are so sexy. Look forward to seeing you again. xx

From Kiwi.

God I feel like I am on top of the world.

A who?

Second Surprise

2007-07-24T06:30:00.000-07:00

So I went to H's house for dinner last night. He lives a little outside Paris, so he had to pick me up from the RER station.
-Wow you are gorgeous!
-Umm thanks H! lol
-Wait thats a good thing, right? It isnt like perverted or something right? Sometimes I dont know the right word in English...
Hahaha I love H! He is so funny and sweet and cute and dorky. Adorable

He has two friends over (guys) and its just going to be us. I am afraid its going to be awkward but its not at all. We have so much fun and I am laughing most of the night. The guys are staying the night, and H says I can stay if I end up missing the last metro. I dont know if I want to though... A is back, and i wanted to see him. We'll see...
We start getting kind of drunk and just having soooo much fun. Dirty jokes are told, we play wii, and we dance our drunken asses off. The boys do a strip tease and I think I am going to die I am laughing so hard. We all dance together and its maybe one of the best nights in Paris. I feel like one of the guys, just hanging out and its amazing. I call A, but there is no answer. I call later on again, but still no answer. Fuck him. I leave a message: I am not coming home tonight.

At one point of the night H cheerses us and laments: I am the only single person here! Total shock on my part. He had the cutest gf EVER! I thought they were so good together and so adorable! Aparently she could be a bitch. Poor H, first his band of 6 years breaks up then his 3 year relationship. Well fuck her lets drink. And I am wasted. I have kind of been crushing on one of Hs friends who has this buddy holly thing going (totally my weakness, unfortunately). After the striptease I steal their clothes and run and try to hide it. I end up making out with Buddy Holly in a room somewhere, but I run off before the others find us. Its kind of awk that I am the only girl and we are all wasted, and I am kind of being passed about dancing and shit. But I am having the time of my life. Its time to sleep and I get put in Hs parents room. Buddy Holly follows me in, but I shoo him out. H has kinda been acting flirty, and I dont want him to see me with his friend who has a gf with me after having such heartbreak. I am so sweet and sooo stupid. I tell Buddy Holly to come back later, but I dont think he understands really. Fuck I am horny too.

H gives me a shirt to sleep in and I change and get into bed. H pops in: So you know where my room is if you need me for anything or yeah... Yup! Night!

5 min later: Someone comes in the room... Buddy Holly? No its H. He sits on the bed. I just wanted to say thanks for coming and I had so much fun. He gives me french kisses and I say I had fun too and thanks for inviting me! He leaves.

5 min Later: Someone comes in the room but I am too drunk and its too dark to see who. I close my eyes and pretend to sleep. Maybe they will go away. They sit next to me, and start rubbing my back. It feels good. I open my eyes. OH SHIT: ITS H.

He is carressing me but I try to kind of pull away. I mutter something about a boyfriend, how I cant, blah blah. Your boyfriends not here... You wont be in Paris much longer and you have to have fun, not just sit around waiting for that asshole. Tell me if you want me to stop...

I dont want him to stop. His hands are cold but strong and are going up and down my legs, up my stomach. His icy fingers brush against my thighs and my nipples and I am getting so worked up I cant tell him to stop. He outlines my underwear and I am dying but he doesnt stop teasing. He takes off the T-shirt he gave me to sleep in and pops off my bra in that one handed move that makes me melt. He is still teasing the shit out of me, and now only speaking in french softly in my ear. He refuses to understand my english and makes me speak in french too. He goes down on me and puts my hands roughly on his head. He brings around his cold finger every once in a while, and totally makes me shiver in the best of ways. This is so fucking wrong in so many ways but holy shit i never want it to end. He demands that I kiss him, that I talk to him, that I grab his head, hold his hand.

Having a girlfriend since the age of 15 does a boy good (btw he is 23). Very good. He wakes me up later in the night and we go again. This time he pulls me on top of him, positioning himself so I can rock perfectly with him. We roll over and hes on top, again perfectly positioned. At one point he grabs pillows and put them under me, going now at a better angle. All guys should be like this.

But in the light of day everything is different. Its H for fucks sake. We fell asleep entwined but we wake up on opposite sides of the bed. I dont really know what to do. He kisses me on the forhead and gets up to shower and get ready to leave and wake up the others. I get dressed and go downstairs after a while. I try to keep things light but its def awk. He makes me breakfast and we eat making small talk, def not mentioning last night AT ALL. He drives his friend to his station, but we are going to another. The wait for the train is a little better, he offers his coat but i dont take it. we start talking about poker. He is going to a game tonight, and I mention that I would want to do that one day. He invites me, but I figure its just a nicety, and I decline. On the train I sit across from him, and he jokingly says I can sit next to him and sleep on him if I want. Ummm no thanks, no time! I talk about my plans to go clubbing this week with V, and he lets me know about the upcoming vacation he is taking this weekend. When we finally part ways, he says we should hang out soon. I agree, and awkwardly go in for the french double kiss. After the two cheeks he grabs me and kisses me on the lips. Call me when you go dancing, I wont be doing anything...

Shit Shit SHIT! Do not have a one night stand with the girlfriend boy who just got out of a 3 year relationship if you want the friendship to last. I love H as a friend, but sleeping with him is weird. Even if it was maybe the best hook up I have had in Paris. I dunno, if we can keep it as strict friends when we hang out with occasional, sly, nobody knows about it fuck buddy benifits at night when I am drunk I am down. But I am skeptical about how unattached he will be able to be. Especially with the hand holding and demands to kiss.

And I am right. Later that morning I get a long text, thanking me for the night, explaining that he has been in a bad place and that was light in a dark time. He wants to see me again before he leaves this weekend. He reminds me to drink lot of water for my hangover and wishes me courage for the long day ahead, signing off with kisses. Shit, how do I respond? I dont want to reject him, and I am not sure that I never want to sleep with him again. But I dont want this to go to relationship mode, and although it was good its just so weird that its him! I dont know what I want. Not to mention that A is only in town for like 8 more days. Oh Boy. I decide to be ambiguous: I had a lot of fun too. We should definately do it again sometime. Especially the wii!! I will talk to you later....

In the meantime I am feeling like a total slut whore. Fuck one boy in the morning, make out with another in a closet that night, then fuck another later that night. I am a dirty dirty whore. And I feel bad about A. But not that bad. He never called back. And I called him today at lunch and left another message. Still no response. Does he really think this is how a bf behaves? Because he is definately not my boyfriend in my mind anymore. Maybe I will see H before the weekend. I have nobody better to do...

Surprise

2007-07-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

After a lovely weekend of sun, shopping, picnics, movies, and fruit, I settle down for the night last night. A comes home the day after next. He called me to ask for my door codes earlier that day, apologizing for shitty service (he was calling from a friends phone) and said I probably wouldnt be able to talk to him before he gets back... I settle down to think of everything I want/need to do before he wakes me up Tuesday morning... Shave, moisturize, buy cute pjs, do dishes, wash sheets (or at least shake them out), pick out sexy underwear, hang clothes, clean room... The usual girly stuff. My frenchie friend H (in the band) texts inviting me to dinner at his house. We end up talking for a while, and he invites me to invite friends and my boyfriend, or whoever that guy was last time we saw eachother. It was my boyfriend! but he wont be home until tuesday... sorry! I agree to go, and just plan to shower and stuff after dinner to be ready that morning. The other stuff can wait. I go to bed with my mouthguard in to avoid the lockjaw TMJ problems, wearing the scrubbiest underwear I have, not taking off any makeup or anything.

7:30 AM The doorbell rings... Its A! He lied, he was always coming hime on Monday, he just wanted to surprise me! Cute, but umm I havent showered in like a week and I am furry. Whatever, he didnt mind! I also had shit all over my face, my sheets were nast, and I was overall not presentable... Whatever! we jumped straight into bed.

The teasing had begun and foreplay was nice, really nice actually. Unfortunately, with the medication I am taking for my death disease, my birth control is less effective. Once I was getting into it I realized I had to get up and find condoms. Not good for foreplay. Not good at all. By the time I got back in bed I was cold and no longer into it. That didnt stop us. Lol, and I am glad. I little coaxing and i was all good again! yay! I missed him, and apparently He missed me too :D. Oh man, he also did one of the most perfect things ever: he brought strawberries, croissants, and pain au chocolates, fresh from the morning bakery. I was so close to saying I love you its not even funny. 'I think you are amazing' is what came out instead, thank god. I dont really love him, but strawberries in the morning makes me weak. After a snack break we went at it again.

Lube: a blessing and a curse. The second time around the lube was necessary. Its really good cuz even when I want to go, sometimes things just dont work. However, when things arent working, sometimes its best to take a break. With lube, the break is not necessary. Now i am SORE. ouchy. damn lube. Thats what advil is for I guess.

Now I am sooooo tired. Got NO sleep and must go to dinner at friends. A said he would try to meet up with me later, but he has to eat dinner with the family tonight so he doesnt know when he will be able to get away. I am planning on being drunk when he comes back. I seriously dont know if I can have more sex tonight. Maybe we can do some sixty nine action, except the mouthguard did nothing except make me look like a retard this morning. If anything my jaw is worse. Lame.

Will write better blogs when not falling asleep and my pussy isnt throbbing. promise...

Frustration

2007-07-20T06:53:00.000-07:00

My God I am soooo freaking horny I can't handle life.

A said he would be coming back today. My poor little mind got totally obsessed with the date and has been waiting patiently. But last night he called and his ticket is booked to get him back into the city Tuesday morning. I could handle waiting for today. But I was expecting it today and now I think I might go insane. I have been having crazy sex dreams every night and my body is literally aching. I dont know if its a reaction from being so sick, and now that I am not dying my body is wanting to be alive or something, but I have literally been thinking of sex ALL DAY LONG.

This weekend is going to kill me I swear. God and to think I was getting all ready for As return. Waxing, shaving, the whole routine. Not to mention Operation Rehydration: After being deathly ill I had become extremely dehydrated so I force myself to drink 1.5 liters of water at work every day. Its super hard for me because I NEVER drink and live in a state of perpetual dehydration. Its okay when no one is here, but when kisses, BJs, and general wetness is needed, this lack of liquid does not go over well. The forcefull water drinking will not be able to last until Tuesday and all my efforts to be lubricated will have died by then. Sadness.

I really need to find that bottle of lube. I packed all my stuff before moving out of the Host Fams house, and I know exactly where it was. But that night wild sex was had, and the bottle could not be found when I unpacked. I swear I repacked it, but I guess its floating around the guest room of their house. So AWKWARD!! And lube is maybe the best thing that has ever happened to me since sex. Honestly, its amazing. Try it. This is coming from the girl who is always dehydrated though, so I may have skewed opinions...

So I have spent the entire day at work taking advantage of the Internet, reading sex blogs and watching streaming porn. Probably doesnt help the horniness, but for fucks sake I think I am going to explode.

Daydreams of exactly what I want A to do to me have been taking over my life and all I want to do right now is fuck him senseless...

Actually, I want him to tease me until I am literally begging him to fuck me and I still want him to hold out. Just lightly kissing that spot on my neck and back that makes my entire body tingle and spark. And just barely finger teasing... Fuck I am going crazy.

I want F to finger me, Kiwi to give me head, then A to fuck me and cuddle. If only I could make the perfect boy...

Just have to wait until Tuesday I guess. FUCK.

To Kiwi or Not to Kiwi

2007-07-19T02:44:00.000-07:00

So I ended up emailing Kiwi at the beginning of this week. I decided that I had waited long enough, and I wanted the pics he took over the weekend. Also, he gave me a burned copy of the CD he will be releasing soon, but the track info didnt show up when I put it on iTunes, so I wanted that too. I tried to put this in a cool, casual email that kinda showed my continuing interest in him, thanked him for a fun weekend, but didnt make me look like I had fallen for him hard. Which I havent, by the way... I dont know, I think I succeeded... He responded the next day:
Hey you.
I think of you often :-)
Will send track list tomorrow / Pictures tomorrow too :-)
Sorry - mad BUSY day here

Wow that was cute. Wait was it? In fact, what the fuck was that? I think of you often? What does that MEAN?? I hate when guys do shit like this. Okay so is that a sexual reference? Or is it sweet, like he misses me or something? I HATE AMBIGUOUS STATEMENTS!! Even worse, how the fuck is someone supposed to respond to that? Umm, i think of you often too? Lol. I dont want to say i think about you a lot, cuz it sounds too attached, but what the hell do you say? I hate people sometimes... I decided to try to play it cool and mention that I am looking forward to seeing him again, if I ever do see him again. After long thoughts, I decided to add an activity that we could do together, Hedgemazes in castles around paris, since he had talked about it a lot when he was here. It says, I am casual, but I remember what you like and want to do it with you, if the chance arises... I also tried to be cute and witty and stuff... Dont laugh at me : (

Oh you businessmen with your big important jobs... Always forget
about the little people...
;) No worries, its not life or death, just send them when you have the
time! as long as i get them in the end, i will be happy!
Been thinking of you too... And hedgemazes lol... Thinking of how
much fun it would be with you now that its all sunny and hot... Oh
summer daydreams, gotta love them :)
Thats cute and carefree right? Yeah it is. Then I get a response that has me terrified:
Daydreams - I know what you mean!
Would love to be in the sun having fun with you ;-)
I am back on August 29th! Yeah!
Keep in touch and see you then.
Looks innocent enough. He didnt send the pictures or the track list, which is annoying, but whatever. I can expect them soon, I assume...

BUT: He is coming back August 29th. A week before he said he would. Before I was told his parties would be around Sept 7th, meaning he would probably be in town until the next Sunday the 9th. Thats all fine and great, except for the fact that A is coming back at the end of August as well. Now, if Kiwi were to come for a few days I think I could handle it. But a week? Or possibly more? WOW. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO?

When I hung out with Kiwi that weekend, it wasnt just like a casual hang out here and there. It was like a I am with you every second kinda thing. I am pretty sure he will expect me to sleep over at his hotel every night, in the very least. And I think A might catch on to something if I dont spend ONE night at home for a week. I mean, maybe I can tell Kiwi I cant stay over during the week cuz I have to work, and just invite A over those nights? But if I go out with Kiwi I probably wont be getting back till late, which I guess still works considering A comes over at like 2... I dunno, I shouldnt freak out now, since with my luck they will both hate me by the time the date rolls around. That or I will catch the plague and I wont be able to do anything.

Another worry I have is that these will be my last days in Paris. And Kiwi mentioned taking me to Marseille that last weekend. But do I want to spend the last days with A? Should I put closure on a relationship that must end, or have a fun weekend to see if a new relationship can begin? Kiwi isnt really a relationship though, its more like an extended one night stand/long distance fuck buddy situation. Sex is def better with A, but I have only done it with Kiwi twice, each time getting better, so should I give him the benifit of doubt? Argh.

I kind of mentioned to A last time we talked about going to Marseille. He was trying to convince me that ten days together was enough, and that we will have all of September, aka the 10 days out of the month I will be in the country...
Yeah but then I will be going to the South with my New Zealand Boyfriend...
He responded with a playful 'NOOOO,' which made me realize that he thought I was kidding. I was kidding about the boyfriend part. Not about the part where I said I was going to the South though.

Well I guess I shouldnt freak out now. I have a whole month to obsess and freak... YAY!

Okay Poll:
If you were me, would you Stay with A? Or Go with Kiwi? HELP...

Death

2007-07-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

This past week I have probably been the most sick I have ever been in my life. I seriously wanted to die. And to top it off, the internet I was stealing from neighbors shut off. So I was dying in my apartment with no TV and no Internet. Not Cool. After a trip to a doctor and a trip to the emergency room, I am feeling a little better, but I still not my best. Sucky. Good thing nothings going on...

Except there was a lot going on. And it finally got hot and pretty and I was stuck at home. I missed Bastille Day, which is kind of like the 4th of July. And even sick as a dog I was getting propositioned on the street and calls from the Russian and even a movie invite from the housemates friend. I swear to god the only way I can get a guy is if I physically cant have one: A-never here; Kiwi-Lives in LA; F-Cant get it up; This week-me puking all over everything. SEXY.

So I had a LONG talk on the phone with A last night. He is coming home sometime this week. Only 10 days after he said he originally would. And he will be going back Aug 3rd with his family. So he will be in Paris for a grand total of about 10 days. YAY! Asshole.
10 days is better than nothing, right?
Maybe for you DICK. He will come, I will freak out and become completely obsessed, just in time for him to leave and break my heart again. At least I will get sex I guess. God I just want him to stay in town for like more than 2 fucking weeks!!! Is that too much to fucking ask? Apparently. Its just so nice and easy to talk to him. We were on the phone for 2 hours or more last night and I like didnt want to hang up. I may be starved for attention, but I really like talking to him. I made him promise to take me mini golfing and out to dinner when he gets back. He better. Or not, whatever I dont really care I just want to hang out with him really.

Bleh I dont feel goooood!!! I really need to be here at work, but fuck I want to go home!!! Bleh.

Amazing Weekend, Shitty Week

2007-07-10T07:02:00.000-07:00

Wow. The weekend with Kiwi was amazing, eye opening, inspiring, crazy, intense... Kiwi is an amazing person. So Friday at the office he invites me to join them for dinner and then to go out with them afterwords. I get home and spend the next two hours trying on every outfit I have. I end up looking pretty cute if you ask me, after a major freak out and a long distance phone call with pictures sent... Nice.

Dinner was amazing. We met up with a bunch of my coworkers friends, one of whom is the owner of a MAJOR independent French record label. wow. And he turns out to be the vice president of the company I work for. We all eat way to much and drink a LOT of wine. One of the guys we are with rolls a spliff and we all decide what we are doing that night. Spliff man is playing a gig nearby my, but Kiwi's friend is playing a gig across Paris. After Kiwi smokes the spliff we decide just to go to the nearby club. We find a taxi, and kiwi starts writing an epic text message. The taxi driver is crazy and we are jumping around like woah. we get to the club and kiwi looks up. I'm actually not feeling so good. Can we just go back to the hotel? Umm cut to him puking out the side of the taxi. Twice. Awesome. You can be a pull yourself up from nothing to be a legend in New Zealand, but you still puke out a taxi. Nice to know we are all still human.

After he gets it out of his system he is feeling a lot better. We get to the hotel and he asks for water. The receptionist there suggests champagne for the lovely lady. thank you french man! We get up to the room and Kiwi is going a mile a minute. Stoned? Just a bit. Lol. We watch all these projects hes doing, which are fucking amazing. Hes not just a greedy rich man, he is working with all these charities and trying to change the world for the better. He gets so excited about everything he is doing and is seriously so inspiring. He like makes me want to go out and like do something about the shitty world. Not to mention build an empire and make millions. Going to all these business parties makes me want their jobs and seriously like work hard to get there. ANYWAY... what you have all been waiting for...

We start making out on the bed, after he brushes his teeth and we finish the champagne. The way he holds my head when we kiss makes me melt. He slowly takes off my clothes while we make out. I want to kiss you. Down there. Can I kiss you? Umm, OKAY. wow, amazing. after a bit of play he asks if he saw condoms in my purse before.
Snooping were you?
I went to get cigarettes, you said I could...
The condoms were in the zipped side pocket...
Amazing smile.
He puts on the condom and we go for it. Its amazing. I love the feeling of penetration. Unfortunately, thats about where it ended. About 8 minutes in, he starts saying 'Come with me! Come with me!' Umm what? Oh umm okay...

Why is it that every guys I sleep with has no idea what they are doing? Kiwi was great for the 15 minutes it lasted... It made me miss A and his marathon sessions... But whatever, afterwards we watch a documentary about Mt Everest that his friend just made. How do all these people do stuff like this? Anyway, really good movie. We fall asleep, no touching. Also made me miss falling asleep on A.

Next day Kiwi invites me to lunch, and its actually really businessy. They are planning budgets and brainstorming names for the events and deciding VIP and non-VIP gift bags. I want this job. We go shopping afterwards and he invites me to this Fashion Party at a club that night. They are planning all these parties for September and October, and they need to check out a bunch of clubs to see where they want to have them. Umm yeah, so we get on the VIP lists to all the hottest clubs in Paris. Umm can we say AWESOME! I get totally dressed up and meet Kizi and my coworker at this really cool guys house for dinner. I come in and the guy goes, wow. you are dressed up. He is wearing jeans. Apparently, 'nobody dresses up for these things.' SHIT. Oh well, I here them say I look stunning when I am in the other room. That works. Kiwi isnt looking too bad himself. Actually, he looks pretty damn good. And I am getting pretty damn drunk. We go to the club after an amazing dinner and its insane. Its a private party, but we are on the list, so we go right past the bouncers. They dont like the scene, even though the club is pretty fucking sweet with an awesome view. We end up heading off to another AMAZING bar, where we get drinks and chill before going to ANOTHER club. Unfortunately that one is closed by this point, so we just end up going and getting drinks at a restaurant nearby. It is such an awesome night. At the second place he tells me about the parties hes gonna have in the beginning of September, when I will still be in Paris. We are kinda both drunk, but he invited me to go down with him then and stay in his hotel and go to all these parties with him as VIP. I know hes probably just talking shit, but its nice to hear anyway...

On the way back to the hotel he tells me he wants to repeat last night, but a little bit longer. Umm damn straight. We get some champagne and head up to the room. He kept his promise... But the condom broke. I was drunk and was too in the moment to stop him. He would have, but I am on the pill for a reason, soooo... Yeah okay I know its stupid. I KNOW. It wont happen again, okay? Falling asleep, this time touching, he tells me he feels really comfortable with me and really likes be with me. We go to sleep, but he needs to wake up like really soon to catch his flight. He tells me to sleep in and take advantage of the room. He will email me tomorrow.

Well, that was sunday and today is tuesday and ive got nothing from him. Will wait until the end of the week and then email him, asking for all the pics he took. I mean, I dont expect us to like have a long distance relationship or anything, but he did make it seem pretty clear that we could have a fuck buddy relationship whenever we are in the same city. That would be nice...

But now I have to go back to my real life. My real shitty life. I am super sick today and stayed home from work. Been puking up my life. I called A. He found a job in Corsica. Its not for sure, e has a trial shift in a couple days, but it seems like hes not coming back. He wants me to come visit him, but thats not gonna happen. I mean, maybe I will go visit, but not as his girlfriend. I cant do that anymore. I am still hoping he will come back to Paris. I really do miss him. But after such an amazing weekend, its become pretty clear to me that he is just a little boy who has no idea what he wants. And now I think I do...

So now its time for me to pity myself and watch multiple episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 while wanting to puke and having the worst stomach ache of my life. Looking to be a great week...

I miss stability.

Kiwi

2007-07-06T01:50:00.000-07:00

So I ended up drunkenly calling A that night, but his phone went straight to voicemail. Next night the same. Shit. I leave a shitty message. Double Shit. Cue me freaking out. I get to work and I check facebook: he was on the day before, but no message for me. I leave him a message and immediately regret it. I love my life.

So that day at work (yesterday) I was given the amazing job of arranging the CD library. I have to put it in alphabitical order, and remove everything from before 2005. Awesome. Shoot me.
The upside to this shittiness was that one of the freelance girls working for us has been working with a guy lately, and bringing him into the office. The second I saw him I kind of melted. Tan, with these amazingly blue eyes that are sooo crystal blue teal blue. And hes from New Zealand, which gives him this awesome accent which alone makes me melt. As I am alphabetizing, he strikes up a conversation! I am dying inside, but I try to keep it cool. He is actually living in LA at the moment, and knows HB and MB. He says works for a record label from New Zealand and hes working on releasing some rugby CD thing in Paris at the moment... Also working out an event of some kind. We chat for a while, and he asks me to go out with him and the group that night. Aparently they are going to a 'shi-shi' club to try out drinks from Bacardi for the event, then going to dinner. Unfortunately I already have plans with the Russian (have I explained about him? just a friend, but think he wants more... cute, but huge language barrier and no spark...). I ask if I can join them after dinner, and Kiwi (thats what were calling New Zealand now...) says sure. He gets my number, then heads off for a big meeting.

I am pissed cuz I would MUCH rather go out with Kiwi, and when he gets back, he asks me again to come, suggesting I cancel on the russian. It didnt take much, believe me. I cancel on the Russian, and feel really bad giving the excuse of 'work'. But whatever, New Zealand beats Russia every time...

I sprint home and spend forever getting dressed. Dont want to look like I am trying to hard, but want to look smoking hot. First get way over dressed, and feel stupid so I change into jeans and a cute top I just bought from H&M. I look good, casual, carefree... Thats what New Zealanders like, right? I am off to meet them at the bar. Its close to my house, so I decide to walk. I think about how I have this hot ass New Zealand man and I have been stressing about little french woosy boy for so long and how stupid that is. So of course, I call him, just to make sure the phone is still off. Well lucky me it was ON! I hang up once I realize whats happening, but its too late. A calls right back. Its actually a really nice conversation. He hasnt found a job yet, misses me, blah blah. The usual. He asks if I can come to visit that weekend... Umm right I am supposed to buy a plane ticket for tomorrow? He actually believes I might do it... which is actually kind of cute. He just always says the right things, like how he wants to go away with me, and they are really genuine. Its just hes a major flake and he doesnt pull through. It ends with me wishing him no luck with the job and a swift journey home. I miss him, and now I am rethinking meeting Kiwi. For like a second...

I get to the place, and its actually a hotel with bar, lounge and restaurant. A fucking NICE hotel. As in the hottest new place in Paris. I immediately regret not wearing my over the top dressy outfit. I go in and Kiwi is with the girl I work with, and a bunch of major league people from Bacardi and different companies. Woah. We are all drinking these amazing, crazy cocktails that cost 20 euro each. We are tasting them for the HUGE event they are planning for october. They inform me that Kiwi is not just some worker for a label, but, and I quote, 'a legend in New Zealand,' the founder and president to the biggest label there, which isnt just a music label but a multimedia master company who also works for a million charities and shit.

I am SO FUCKING OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

I try to be cute and sociable, but dude I have no idea what they are talking about most the time. Its incredibly embarrassing but Kiwi is being a sweetheart and explaing stuff and trying to talk to me about other stuff and cutely trying to impress me as well. We end up going to dinner at another amazing place and meeting with more people. This is like the most awesome network ever. All these major people from different parts of the world. Too bad they are like, so how do you know Kiwi? Umm I am the nobody intern. He thought I was cute. Et voila... Everyone is shocked to know I am 21. Great, I am the little girl in the group of hooked up major players. Whatever, I dont pay for anything and have great conversation and now KNOW I want to somehow become one of these people. How, I dont know, But fuck they are amazing.

At the bar Kiwi talks about his weekend plans, and invites me to go shopping. Umm whatever you want... When we leave the bar he looks at me and says God you have amazing eyes. Shameless flattery will get you everywhere. In the taxi to the restaurant I get a text. Its from Kiwi, sitting right next to me. God you turn me on. Want to stay the night? Sorry for being foward, but i could not hold back...) I cant keep a straight face. And my coworker is sitting right next to me, yay for gaining a rep. I might have to decline... Must work tomorrow you know. Fortunately I am free Sat... If the offer extends until then... He gets the message right when we sit down, and replies with of course and a joke, which nobody else understands... A secret joke between you two? Thats my COWORKER talking. Yeah Reputation! GO GO GO!

A while later Kiwi gets a phone call and comes back really really happy. Something good just got connected or something. I dont kno... But I get another text: When I am in a good mood it can be really fun. I have a horrible poker face, and I am sure EVERYONE knows what is going down at this point. Trying to reply I completely lost track of the conversation being had. I am now a retard giggling in the corner. Plus I had not stopped partying since the arrival of M, even after she left, so I am dead tired. I know I cant go with him tonight, but I dont have to tell him that... I give a coy answer about having to think about it. More people arrive, more drinks are had, and I am falling asleep. Smoking hot, if you ask me. Everyone leaves and Kiwi and I go in one direction while the rest of the group go the other way to get taxis. Now, seriously, my house was in the direction of his hotel and I had no money in my wallet for a taxi and walking would not take that long. This is not what everyone is thinking, I assure you. Lets just cement that reputation and paste it on my face. I walk Kiwi to his hotel, and he grabs me and we make out. Hard core. He says I should stay, I am slowly being convinced. He says we should have a summer weekend Paris love affair. Its paris after all. We will go shopping on Saturday and just have an amazing weekend. And he promises we can just sleep tonight if i want. RIIIIIIIIIIGHT... Whatever, I dont want to walk the 30 min home and hes cute. Its not rocket science.

side note: while making out the hotel guy comes out and starts smoking a cig. He says something to us, but I cant quite understand. Kiwi and I are like, umm he has a room here, I am not a prostitute. Seriously we were explaining that I was not in fact a hooker, and we did not want to rent the rooms by the hour. Turns out he was apologizing for coming outside, but he had to come outside to smoke. He didnt want us to think he was a perve for coming outside randomly to watch us make out... Awesome.

Anyway, we get up to his room and he gets a call. He has work to do. This is how you become a major leaguer. Non. Stop. Work. We make out in between him doing stuff, and its okay. not great... There are moments where I feel like he is going to swallow my face, but some amazing moments as well. After we make out for a LONG time we break up for him to do more work. Next to me on the bed a mysterious milky white, liquidy substance has appeared. Umm, his pants are on, and I am pretty sure he was litterally on TOP OF ME while we were making out, so it cant be what I think it is, right? I try to wait it out to see if he notices, but in the end I have to bring it up...
-Aaah, What is that??
-Oh, well thats cum. Said with the straightest face ever, then laughs.
-Oh hahaha, I almost just rolled into it. Gross.
Umm so wait, was it really cum? just from making out? he did say it was the best kiss hes gotten in like 6 months or something, but really? REALLY? How did it get out of his pants? But if not, what the fuck is it? where did it come from? all very confusing.

We end up actually just sleeping, he is good to his word. I have to wake up fucking early to go home, change, and come to work, but it works out. Fucking Kiwi gets up at the first sound of the alarm and is on his computer doing stuff. Umm workaholic freak. But cute and rich. It evens out. He invites me to go clubbing tonight. I need sleep and had to push back my date with the russian, butI want to go. Fuck me. We'll see what happens... I know we will end up fucking, but I am scared, I hate one night stands that are like planned. Too much time to think about it and freak out. and I feel a bit guilty for A. Whatever fuck him hes in corsica ready to abandon me, no matter how sweet he is on the phone...

My life is a shitshow.

All Good Things...

2007-07-03T12:13:00.000-07:00

... Must come to an end...

My friend M left last night. It was such a fun weekend. I totally forgot how much I love her and miss her until she came. We spent the week eating and drinking way too much, and running circles around the city. I love Paris. I love my friends. You all must move here with me...

It wasnt all fun and games though. This week may have been the end of A. I am not sure yet, but I am def not hopeful...

After all the talk about possibly not going to Corsica or the US and Canada and getting a job in Paris and wanting me to come to Corsica and visiting me in Cali, I got hit with a bomb. A called me and explained that he would be back in Paris the next night, but would be getting in really late, then leaving for Corsica the next morning. He was going to try to find a job there, and if he did find a job, he wouldnt be coming back to Paris for more than a weekend before September. He has been a waiter there before, and he knows Italian, so I dont think it will be hard.

We were both drunk at the time of the convo, so it was kind of crazy. I begged him not too. He said it wasnt for sure. He told me to visit in 2 weeks, I said I couldnt change the plans since I already asked for time off that week to visit him. I asked if he really even wanted to be with me anymore. I said I was going to cry. He said that he didnt want to live with his parents any more, and that being in Paris and living there felt like a trap. I said I completely understood: why do you think I am in Paris and not MB? I said every time I went out I thought about him and I really liked him. I also said I couldnt just sit around and wait for him and that I needed to forget about him. He told me I needed to enjoy Paris. It ended by him saying he would call me the next day when we were both sober...

Next day I end up texting him. If he gets home early enough, I told him to come over to my apart where we would be drinking and getting ready to go gay clubbing with the roomie for Gay Pride day in Paris. He said he probably wouldnt be back till late cuz they were going to eat dinner on the road, but he would text later on when he knew more. I pestered for more info, like when he would be leaving tomorrow and if he wanted to go clubbing with us (for the record, he asked where we were going...) He said he wouldnt know when he would be back, and that he would leave Paris around 3 or 4 the next day. So I said it would be really cool to see him, that he should come even if it was late, that I wanted to talk to him, and if possible fuck... I was drunk, give me a break. Jump to an hour or two later and me drunkenly texting: Well we will be leaving soon, what do you want to do? Him: Still in the car, I dont think i will come... Me: So I wont see you before you leave? Him: My train leaves at 12 tomorrow so I can see you at 9 or 10 tomorrow, but not tonight. Me: I dont know, do whatever you want. If you want to see me, call. Him: I cant, I am in the car with my parents. Can I call you tomorrow morning? Me: No thats what I meant, call me tomorrow morning if you want to see me. Also need to figure out if I can come visit you there. Kiss.

Next morning I wake up hungover early. I wait for his call, but nothing happens. At 10:30 I text him: So you leave at noon today? Him: Yeah I leave at 11:50, I couldnt come this morning. Big kiss, miss you. Me: When do you come back to Paris? Do you still want to see me? Him: It all depends on if I get a job... If not i will be back on the 10th... Me:Wait, so do you still want to see me in Corsica? Should I try to visit you next weekend? If not its okay, I just need to plan it... Him: Its not that I dont want to see you but i dont really know what I will be doing next week end. I just dont know what to tell you right now, I can only tell you at the last moment. Me: I know its not your fault. I am just sad you are leaving. Have fun and dont look too hard for a job! Call me sometimes too! I will be dreaming of you... Kiss.

So basically I brow beat him to oblivion. Good job me. If you couldnt tell, about two paragraphs up I went out for drinks with V and am now drunk, reading over the texts and wishing I wasnt such a freak. Also want to call him sooo bad. I know i should wait, but I dont think I will. Hes not trying to be an ass, its just shitty circumstances. Well, maybe I am drunk but I want to believe thats true. Most likely I will call, he wont answer, and wont return the call for like 5 days. In the meantime I will be waiting and antagonizing over it for a long time. Get excited for that...

My life rules...

SUCKY

2007-06-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

One of my best friends came into town today! She will be staying with me for a week and I am soooo happy to have a friend and to get my mind off A. Except the week started out with a shitty bang: After being in Paris for only 3 hours her purse was stolen! At my favorite cafe! By an old lady! SOOOOO not cool. We were eating and talking and having such a great time catching up. We were in the corner next to an old lady drinking wine and finishing her meal and a bunch of other people on the other side. Halfway through our meal the old lady left but we didnt pay much attention. M reaches down to her feet to get her purse and its not there... The entire restaurant pretty much is looking for it and comes to the conclusion that it was the old lady. We spend the rest of the afternoon with the police and on the phone canceling cards. Thank god she didnt have her passport but she lost her ATM card, credit card, 200 euros, student IDs, a brand new digital camera! SOO NOT COOL. WHY DO PEOPLE STEAL?

Anyway, was going to write about last night and the weird experience I had, but I dont exactly feel up to it... Maybe just a bit...

I texted A earlier in the day saying i worked out corsica if he wants but that he needs to tell me right away what to do. I also say I have been thinking about him all day and want him to call me tonight. That night around 1 I text again, asking if he can talk. Unfortunately he and his family all just got home from Spain, and so they are all up. He also says he thinks his sister heard us having phone sex the night before. Creepy. He says he wishes he could be with me and fuck me. How romantic. I am bummed and say I had been thinking about his call all day (which is totally true). I also ask about corsica again, he doesnt get that i really need an answer.
A-Should be okay, but I dont know if I am going yet. what were you thinking of saying all day? thinking of last night makes me really horny.
Umm do you really want me to text you this? And what do you mean you dont know if your going yet? Fuck dude make up your mind i have to buy a plane ticket...
Me-Too much to send in a text! My friend comes tomorrow and might be hard to have those kinds of calls. I miss getting you hard, like that night in the taxi ;)
There, thats enough... Jerk off on that. And how bout you actually say something sweet and not about fucking?
A-Yeah that was really good. God you are getting me really horny and I want to fuck you really hard
Fuck, well here we go... Cant beat em, join em?
So in the end, I had phone sex, through text messages... I wouldnt recommend it.

I am beginning to feel like this relationship is based on sex... Which it is but I want there to be more... Sucky.

Phone Call

2007-06-25T02:09:00.000-07:00

So about not missing him that much... Cut to a day later where I am sitting on my bed sobbing. Yeah, umm lets just say its not pretty. I texted him earlier that day and I knew I wouldnt get a response any time soon. I just miss him SO much it literally hurts. I have no friends, so all I can do is sit around and think about how much I like him, how much it sucks that I will barely see him this summer, and how I will be able to survive leaving Paris and possibly never seeing him again. All this and I am sure he is just hanging out with the fam in their beachside mansion wherever he is, sipping chilled sangria or something and generally living it up. Does he even remember me anymore? Cue the tears...

Well I got my answer at 1:30 AM in the form of a glorious phone call... He called me!! well actually he messed up when he was trying to return my text, but whatever, I TALKED TO HIM. We talked about a lot of stuff and it made me want to never leave Paris. He misses me and is deciding whether or not he will go to Corsica. I obviously was telling him not to go, and I kind of mentioned I would come visit him if he went. He obviously wants to go, but said he really wants to be with me too, and really liked the idea of me coming there. He will be staying with his cousin and said I could stay with them, so I would just have to pay for the plane ticket. I really really want to go but I dont know if he was serious or if it can actually work out. I will have to take off work, but the week before I have a friend visiting and I am already taking time off. I need all the info NOW and I am guessing I wont get it until the day before... (Memories of London quickly come to mind...)

We talk about the rest of the summer and it becomes extremely apparent that he does not realize that this little time might be all we have. He says we will have at least a month together, and I say thats too short. I say how I am so sad that I have to leave in September and how I am afraid I will never come back to Paris. He never considered this option: 'No you will graduate stanford find a really good job and come live in Paris.' Oh really A? Is that what is going to happen? I fucking hope so, but seriously lets get real. I tell him he should not go to fucking Canada and US, not while I am in Paris! I tell him to go next year when I am there and he says he will definitely come visit me next year. (REALLY? Once again I am hit with that signiture A move of being so chill and nonchalant about something that is actually a big deal and acting as if it is a given...) He also starts talking about how he really needs a job, and thats why he might not go to Corsica. He might also not go to America if he gets a job, cuz they prob wont let him go for 3 weeks. He should not have told me that because now that I know that that is an option, I am pretty surely going to hound him into not going. And if he does go I am going to be really messed up about it. Great.

Of course throughout this whole talk we were both saying how we missed each other and how horny we are and eventually this phone call became phone sex. I mean, we all saw it coming... A call at 1:30? yeah i knew it was coming. But HELLO AWKWARD. I didnt know how to start and I dont like doing myself, if you know what I mean. plus as unshy i might be talking about shit, i got super shy telling him stuff. I couldnt use any descriptive words and just ended up saying stuff like 'I want to be on top' and 'fuck me hard'. He came in like 3 minutes, so I guess he was happy. After we hung up I started regretting doing such a bad job though. And then I realized that this could be a way to tell him exactly what I want him to do to me in bed. Next time I am going to give him details of like the perfect way to fuck me and then hopefully he will get the hint and actually do it to me. Then I started thinking about things... If we did somehow stay together for ever, does that mean I am going to have to keep faking it for the rest of my life?!?!? Dont get me wrong, I love fucking him and it feels good, but I can NEVER come. Not with him, not with other guys, not with battery operated replacements. I was hoping this would pass somehow, but if I am forever with A, I might never get that. Lets fucking hope he gets the hint next time he calls...

Now I am stuck with this idea of going to visit him and if he really wants me to, or if he was just being nice before phone sex. Hmmm, will ask for details and hope they come soon.

Hes Gone, with a surprise ending.

2007-06-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

A left this morning. Wont be back for 3 weeks. I am sad, but not as fucked up as I thought I would be. The thing that fucks me up is when he is here and I cant reach him. Or when he doesnt return calls and texts and I am sitting around waiting for him. I miss him a lot though. I dont know what to do tonight, knowing that that there is no chance of seeing him. No chance for a kiss, no fucking, no falling asleep with someone, no waking up with someone. For three weeks.

Well? Really? Was talking to V about it. Right before A came back I wanted to have him as a main interest, but see other people as well. Keep it light. Doesnt work so well when I am so head over heels for the guy and he is here. Now he is gone and I want to try to get him out of my head and meet new people. Maybe try to date around. Only problem? A called me his girlfriend. Usually that means that we are exclusive. Therefore fucking around is not an option.

Or is it? We discussed. As long as I dont make a habit of it, and dont cheat on him mentally, i think it will be okay. I mean, as long as I am not falling in love with someone. Its just having fun while there is no way to be with him, I might as well be with someone else, right? As in the case with E... he knows i have a bf. he knows that he is gone a lot and that he can be an ass and not call a lot (i may have talked while drunk a few times). It wouldnt be like i would still fuck around when A came back. And I will be totally committed to A while he is here. But 3 weeks with no love from anyone? I dont know if thats part of the deal. And i did tell A I didnt want to like him because he was gone all the time... Also, this is not a REAL relationship. Its a relationship with an expiration date. When he comes back I will barely have 2 more months in Paris and he is even going on vacation again in that time. I want to come back in live in Paris later in life mo st definitely, it may never happen. And if it does, the SOONEST it could possibly happen is a year, when I graduate from school. And I still want to live with a certain someone before then. I would love to live with her in paris (dude seriously if you are reading this, think about it. I know you dont speak french but dude its awesome...) But still, am I really going to wait for him and is he really going to wait for me? I really really like him. I am obsessed with his family. At this moment nothing would make me happier at this moment than believing that somehow we will live happily every after. But lets be honest. Even if I was totally and completely in love with him, which i am not dont worry, but if I was I still prob would not see him, and just be killing myself when I have to leave. I NEED TO TAKE THE PRESSURE OFF THIS BOY!!

However, I think if i do cheat on him, I might feel guilty as all hell and totally and absolutely regret it... I want to say that I will just do what feels right in the moment and regret nothing. I wont say I will do it and I wont say I wont. I will just do what I want when the time comes. But at that time I might want to, and then kill myself over it the next morning. So I want to say I wont. Fuck.

To top it all off I got a text message tonight that fucked me up big time: 'Hi. Hope you are doing well. I would really like to get a drink with you sometime this week. Are you free?' Guess whoooo??? If you guess F, ding ding ding! You win the big prize. Now, this is exactly NOT what kind of guy I need to get with. F is someone who will not cool off when A is back. He will not let me just hang out with and be friends but fuck while A is gone. And yet, I want to meet him. I didnt write back yet. Still thinking about it though. This can of worms may be WAY too big for me too clean up. Well... We will see...

La Fête de la Musique

2007-06-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

Last night was the Fête de la Musique. Its a night devoted to free, outdoor concert type things, and it was absolutely amazing. Definately one of the best nights I have had in Paris. Heres how it went:

The night before A said he would let me know what he was doing so we could meet up. Of course I go all day without hearing from him. I meet with V after work and we go to my apartment, I get ready, we eat dinner and drink lots of wine. I text A, saying what I was doing and asking what his plans are. No response. V wants me to forget about him, but I cant. She keeps saying I should have a fun summer and not have A dick me around and all that. Which is true, but hes not dicking me around that much, I am more being a psycho clingy chick. She wants me to have a big TALK with A, which i DEFINATELY dont want to do, but she is partially right. I am sick of sitting around and waiting for him, and if he really is my boyfriend he should let me know what he is doing before 2 AM when he needs me to pay for a taxi. But then again, I want to see him really badly. This will probably be the last time i see him before he leaves for 3 weeks.

So I go out with V and her friends, and they are okay, but I am totally preoccupied with watching my cell waiting for a response from A. We decide to go to the bastille, and on the way I get a text and the following confusion ensues:
'I might go to Luxemburg afterwards. Call you later. bisous.'
Can someone tell me what the fuck that means? After what? I dont kno, so I ask...
Im going in 15 minutes. I'm near the Bastille right now...
Perfect! I am walking there right now and will be there soon! I try to call him but he doesnt pick up. I text and ask if he can wait for me there.
I'll be there in about 45 minutes. i have to change two times and there arent too many metros...
Umm what the fuck? Did he not just say he was there? I call again, this time he answers. Apparently he thought I was going to meet him at luxemburg or something? I dont know but he is on his way there. Fuck. I say I am at the Bastille and if he still wants to see me. He is on the metro so its hard to hear him and he cant hear me. He says he will call back. I get a text a little bit later:
meet me at the bastille line 1 direction la defence first coach.
Umm okay a bit forceful, but I get the message, lol. I ditch V and her friends and am off to meet A.

It is soooooo crowded everywhere. Honestly I dont think I have see so many people before in my life. Its not just crowded like in one area, like a concert hall, but literally all the streets are overflowing with people. Its insanity. I find A and kind of tell him off for leaving me in the dark. He kind of acknowledges it, but not really. Hes stoned and he came back to get me so I give him a break, but I promise myself to talk to him about it when he gets back. Now lets just have fun!

The fucking metro is sooooooo crowded. Everyone is jammed into the cars like sardines. But its kind of fun at the same time lol. We get out and are walking to see his friend perform, and there are bands on practicly every street corner. Its so cool. We are walking and kind of hear something familiar and I look up and its H!!! (background: h is a friend from my school in paris who has a band. He is like the sweetest guy every and his group of friends is awesom too.) Monday H and his band had a huge concert at the bastille to release their CD that they just released on their own. It was a really big deal, but i didnt go and went out with A and his friends instead. I felt bad, but H never sent me the address to the place anyway. He called me wed to apologize and had some bad news: the band was breaking up and that was their last performance. the guitarist was having serious issues (like parnoid delusions that everyone was out to get him... that kind of serious). I felt so bad missing it and poor H sounded like he was going to cry. I mean, this band is a group of 4 friends who have been together for 6 years!!

But then we saw him on the street playing with the group!! I was so freaking excited I almost pissed my pants. I had told A the day before about the band splitting up, so he was excited for me and knew the story. He was sweet and said we could watch them play a few songs, even though we were missing his friend perform. It was so awesome!! After a few songs I finally pulled away and met A's friends. We missed the performance and I feel soooo bad. A is being amazing though, saying that this was probably the last time i would see my friend play and tells me not to worry about it. i heart him. they all decided to go to one of their houses to chill in the backyard and drink and smoke. Sweet. Too bad they are all speaking french so fast my head is spinning. We go buy some beer and candy and snacks. I offer money, but A says hes paying and then gives me the 20 he owes me! WOO HOO!

We go to his friends house and its amazing. They talk about movies and lost, heroes, prison break, simpsons and southpark. Its kind of frustrating because i can understand pretty much everything they say, but I cant really involve myself. I am kinda drunk and trying to interject into the fast paced convo would just not work. But still it is sooo fun. His friends are cool and nice and I like them. We stay there until about 2 or 3 and then take a taxi. A hasnt decided if heis staying at my house. I dont think he will, he has to wake up at 6 to get his sister from the airport with his dad. The taxi ride is really really nice though. We pass all these lit up gorgeous buildings and i love paris. I am snuggling up to A in the taxi, rubbing his leg. I start going up his shorts a bit, but nothing too serious. Then I feel he is starting to get a boner, so i kinda start lightly teasing him a bit, giving him a full on boner. I am a bitch. We get to my apartment, he pays, and we both get out.
Me-Are you staying here?
Him-Well you did what you needed to do to get me to stay.

OK, so i might be reading into this too much but this sounds kinda harsh--like i am manipulating him into staying or something. It wasnt like that i swear! This will be haunting me for a while because of what happens next, so read on dear readers, read on!

We go in and fuck and its good and kind of fast, which is what I wanted cuz I was super tired. I am sad cuz i know he is going to have to leave. But the next thing I know we are waking up and its morning. he gets up, 'shit i hope its not too late. SHIT ITS 7:15 SHIT SHIT OH NOOO!' omg he missed it. he calls his dad and he is already driving back with his sister. God i feel sooooo bad. I am dead tired and still drunk/high though, so my apology doesnt come out as sincere as it should. I mean, what can I really say besides sorry, i kno you really wanted to go? I mean, i dont think its even that big of a deal, its not like she is going away, she is coming straight to his house! He talks to his sister on the phone and he says she is not mad. But A is still sad, i can tell. He gets dressed and comes and kisses me and says goodbye. But I am still half asleep and I cant properly kiss him because i have yucky dry mouth/morning breath. He leaves and I prob wont see him until July 15th or something.

Best night ever, but now I want to cry... And I feel soooo awful. He missed his friend sing and his sister at the airport because of me. And he wasnt going to sleep over, he said that earlier, but i totally got him to stay. I am afraid he is mad and I am being too clingy. i guess that will be solved by him leaving. while he is gone i must get a life. Fuck i am going to miss him so much.

Get ready for a lot of blogs where i am crying about how much i miss him. I apologize in advance.

Slight Overreaction

2007-06-21T04:10:00.000-07:00

So in retrospect, I may have overreacted slightly... But he really needs to learn how not to be an asshole... So here's what happened last night:

After I send that last text I try to fall asleep. I have an hour before he comes and I am going to need the sleep i think. A little while later I get a phone call. Hes here already? Ah no... He is waiting for a taxi, but he has no money and his card isnt working at the bank... Could I loan him some cash when he comes? He seems to genuinely feel bad, so I say yes, but JESUS I PAY FOR EVERYTHING! I have spent so much money on this boy its ridiculous. He calls when hes close and I have to throw on clothes, go down the 6 flights of stairs, and go find his taxi. The two guys on the street stare me down: I seriously look like i just hired a hooker. AWESOME.

I can smell A before I can see his face. He is WASTED, but he is being so freaking adorable I cant be too pissed. Hes telling all these stories about the night like a little kid, mashing all his sentences in one and being non linear: okay so he is telling stories like a drunk kid... We get to bed and he flops down and just keeps talking but snuggles up right to me. I want to be mad but this is all perfection. Then the cherry on top: He is telling a story about talking to the taxi driver and he calls me his GIRLFRIEND!! Without hesitation--it just comes out. He keeps going but i am stuck right there. WOOOOOHOOOOOOO.

A minute later I want to make sure i didnt make that up: 'Did you really call me your girlfriend?' 'Yeah! You are. My petite-amie'

I seriously could have jumped up and done the mexican hat dance or something i was so happy. But once again I am annoyed by his complete and utter nonchalance about everything. Flashback to london when i mentioned i didnt think it would happen. 'Of course I would come, why wouldnt I come?' Maybe cuz you havent talked to me for a month? And now, its the same: of course you are my GF... why would you think not? See last million blogs...

We cuddle, talk, and finally we fuck. Kinda complicated, and kinda messy. Once again drunkenness does not go in my favor. Must really really find the lube! But we work it out in the end and we are happy. I have to start cleaning up though, and that sucks. Side note: A is uncircumsized. Its weird, but i love watching his dick. Its so weird and fascinating. Watching it get hard, then after watching it go soft. Its just weird! lol... moving on...

This morning my alarm goes off for work and i am like fuck no. I really dont want to go and A is so cute and cuddly and perfect that its settled: not happening. I decide to sleep in, then call and say my alarm clock didnt go off... It always works. An hour later, A and I are semi awake, and we start talking. I probably wont be able to see him before he leaves, he says. He has semi legit reasons, like his sister is coming into town and he has to go to the airport early to pick her up, and some not so legit reasons, like he wants to see oceans 13 with his friends on friday. I allude to the fact that he is a bad bf... I also say I like him a lot but i wish I didnt. Harsh, but true. He kind of understands, but at the same time not taking anything too seriously: me saying all this with a pouty face and in a baby voice may have downplayed my true feelings... oops, my bad.

I seriously feel like crying when i find out i wont see him for like 3 weeks. He says he is sad too, but dude hes not. i mean, maybe a bit, but not like this. He says he will call me tonight and we can hang maybe with his friends, but he cant stay the night. I understand and plan to give him head so he doesnt forget who i am while he is gone... does that work?

Maybe him leaving will be a good thing. I need to calm the fuck down with him. Make new friends. Get a life. Hopefully when he gets back i will be more established on my own, and be able to deal with life a little better...

Fuck i hope so.

PS. promised to take me mini golfing again: all is good.
PPS. He borrows another 10 euros that morning to go to McDonalds. Must start running a tab...

Of Course

2007-06-20T16:34:00.000-07:00

The second I turn out all the lights and try to fall asleep my phone beeps. I have a message.

Its A, of course. He says he was out with friends, at my favorite bar, and asks if he can come over afterwards.

Fuck Buddy.

I write back yeah he can, but i just got my period. I say he still come if he wants but that he should let me know.

I am a pathetic pussy.

He writes back saying he will be here in an hour. Is that okay.

Asshole.

I give him door codes and tell him to call so i can open the door.

I am a raging idiot.

Be there as soon as possible. Gros Bisous (big kiss)

I am not fucking him. I am not giving him head. Okay both of these statements will most likely be false by morning. but i wish i had the balls to say no.

but i like him. a lot.

i wonder if he will notice that i have been crying for the past hour. i wonder if he will do anything but try to fuck me. heres hoping...

Heartbreak

2007-06-20T16:08:00.000-07:00

I finally get a message from A... After bitching about it all day. I am sooo excited! I open it up: Hey how was your day how was work do you go in late tomorrow.

He wants to know if I go in late, to know if he can come over late and fuck. Not boyfriend. Not what I want anymore. I am worried, but its okay. I text back: Work was okay. Have to go in at the same tomorrow though. going to a movie, then maybe a bar. how was your day? what are you up to?

No response. I go to see Oceans 13, which was actually really good. I get out and still no response. Okay... I text again: got out of the movie and just going home. are you out with your friends?

No response. I spend a 30 min metro ride rationalizing and analyzing. 3 stops away from mine, i cant stop the tears. I know i am blowing this out of proportion. i know it makes no sense and i know its stupid. but i really really like him. and now i realize that he doesnt really really like me. and that makes me hurt like so much more than i have ever been hurt before. God i really put way to much pressure on this, but i couldnt help it. it just happened. and now i want to rip out my heart. or his. i cant decide yet. all i know is that i dont think i will stop crying for days. awesome. fuck i really like him. or liked him.

all i can think about is the last time he was here, in the morning when i had to go to work and i woke him up. he just looked so cute and happy in my bed. he said the perfect things and when i left i was the happiest i have been in a long time. now i am sadder than i have been in a long time. in the back of my head i am still hoping that this is just him being lame and he still really likes me. but i am pretty sure he doesnt.

heartbreak hurts. a lot.

BF or FB

2007-06-20T06:21:00.000-07:00

So after he texted he wouldnt be coming over, I texted back saying thats cool, have fun with the friends, if you change your mind, come on over... Yes desperate, but hey I am fucking desperate. Give me a break. Later on he writes back saying that he prob wouldnt make it that night, but he would wake me up the next morning. Umm what? I ask for clarification. He says he will come by before I have to go to work. Umm wtf? I say thats cool but i would rather him come in the middle of the night. Doesnt matter either way cuz he doesnt come that night or the next morning and I have not received any messages.

What do I do? I want to see him before he leaves, but I dont want to be TOO clingy. Talking it over today I realized that the reason I get all annoyed is cuz he has a life and i dont. Where he has a million friends in Paris, he is one of my 3 friends here, so naturally I want to hang with him. A lot. Poor guy, he needs his space. But if i give him space, he will be gone before I can hang out! Oh the troubles I see... Decided will wait for him to contact me. He should apologize for not coming or something and I should stop being so clingy. If he doesnt call I will know that this relationship is more me wanting way more than he does. I think. (most likely if he calls i will say he is in love and if he doesnt it was a fluke, but i am going pretend that i will accept what comes)

Is he just to young to know good Fuck Buddy behavior and accidently does Boy Friend behavior? Or am I just reading into this too much? I know I over analyze everything that ever happens to the point of sickening pathetic umm yuckiness... (fuck you i dont see you guys writing blogs...) but i cant help it. So here we go:

Boyfriend (BF) or Fuck Buddy (FB)
BF: promises to help me move into my apartment
FB: doesnt actually do it when he says he will
BF: texts an apology and says he misses me
BF: kisses and hugs and holds my hand in public
BF: texts me when he cant come over usually
BF: doesnt only come over late at night to fuck
FB: we fuck every time i see him (almost)
BF: introduced me to his friends
FB: introduced me as me, not as gf
FB: doesnt come home on my bday and constantly forgets about it
BF: says he will make it up by taking me mini golfing and dinner
FB: hasnt actually done either (still only been a week since the promise though, so this may not count completely)
FB: wants to come over in the morning (i assume for a quickie before i go to work)
FB: Doesnt apologize after not coming in the morning when saying he will (yet... its only 5 the next afternoon i guess, but i am not expecting anything)
BF: teaching me how to work my camera
BF: helping me with homework
FB: Nonchalantly changing vacation plans so instead of coming back to Paris for a week in between vacations, goes 3 full weeks without coming back (even if there is a good excuse, a bf would come back, at least my ideal bf...)
BF: after fucking hold my hand and kisses and cuddles for long time

BF=10 FB=8

Hmm i will think of more later. This sucks. I know having A as a bf is a bad idea (i am leaving paris in like 2 months, and as much as i want to believe i will come back we will get married and live happily ever after, i know that in reality i will prob not see him ever again...). But even if its a bad idea I want it. Fuckers

Meet the Friends

2007-06-19T07:56:00.000-07:00

So A was supposed to help me move the rest of my stuff to my apartment yesterday. Before I come over he texts me:
I will be here to help you at 6.30 but I told my friends I would meet them for drinks later on
Nooooo!! i want you to my fucking self!
Do you want to come?
OMG he wants to introduce me to his friends. FUCK FUCK FUCK. what do i do? I am supposed to go to one of my only french friend's concert tonight and i have to write 2 mini papers to be turned in, well that day. Plus I forgot that I needed towels in my new place, so I havent showered and look a mess, not to mention the fact that I accidentally left my make up and deodorant in the suitcase I didnt take. Basically i look like hell and smell like shit. Lets do this!

Fortunately he made plans for later, and we have time to move my stuff and I can take a shower. I try to be fast, but its the first time I take a shower in my new place, and I cant figure out the water, I forgot my comb, and I literally slip and am like really close to dying. Then I try to find something to wear, which is super hard cuz everything i own somehow has cum stains all over it. So not sexy. Finally i do my makeup in the semi dark bathroom with a hazy mirror. I make us 30 minutes late and i dont even look that good. Awesome.

We take a cute metro ride together where he holds my hand and kisses me softly and all my worries about not being able to go out in public with him vanish. Then all the worries about meeting his friends start and I want to puke. We get up to his friend and I get introduced as MY NAME. Thats it... Uh Oh. We sit down and just chill, but there is no touching going on. I put a hand on his leg for a while, but there is no response. Uh Oh. His other friends show up and the same introduction happens. Shit. Thank god they all speak English perfectly, and one of the friend's friend is actually from LA! The night actually ends up going pretty smoothly, and finally he started putting his hand on my leg and leaning into me. WOO HOO! I win! Only a few awkward moments like:
Friend: So A How are the Essex girls, i hear they are sluts!
A: Uuhhh
Me: Umm.
Friend: What?
A: Umm i dont know... gets up to get anther beer
Friend: oops.

Or when same friend asks how we know each other. Explaining that I am actually his host sister and that lived in the room across the hall from him all year, then holding hands makes me feel like a slut. In a bad way. and His friends are all fucking confused. Dude thinking about it so am I, this is wrong.

ANYWAY, the night goes really well. I am pretty drunk and so is A. We make out furiously on the metro ride home and I am excited to get back to my apartment!
A: Im excited we can finally be as loud as we want!
Me: Umm not exactly I have a house mate...
A: So what he wont care...
Me: Ah what the fuck? no thats weird...
A: He wont hear anything...

We walk up my street and he stops twice to buy tall cans of beer and get food. Lets just say we are both wasted when we get to my apartment. He is really set on helping me do my work, so we do a bit of it. Hes actually really cute about it. I get bored though and strip down and get down to business. And its good. Too good actually. We are both being obnoxiously loud and the bed is like creaking and scratching the floor and it goes on for a LONG TIME. I will never be able to look my roommate in the face again. Great. He is drunk, so he is not coming, and I am drunk, so I am drying up and things start to take a turn for the worse. I get up and try to find the lube, but i have NO FUCKING CLUE where it is. my room is a mess and I am running around the room naked whining and turning everything upside down loudly. Poor Poor house mate. Finally we give up and he starts trying again, but its not happening :(. I try to give him head but i am so dehydrated I cant go for too long. I end up passing out while he is still trying to turn me on enough to fuck me. Oops... Sometimes the wiring and the plumbing just dont connect, and theres nothing you can do about it and its not my fault so give me a fucking break. Poor A, he was working soo hard too. All he wanted to do was get drunk and fuck his brains out, and he just managed to fuck my brains out. I was happy anyway. hehehehe

I wake up the next morning and dont want to ever leave. He is so cute sleeping in my bed and when i wake him up to say i have to go he has the cutest look ever. He asks if I really have to go and I am tempted to ditch work again to fuck him... I dont. I tell him to come back tonight and i promise to have the lube ready and waiting. I hope that was incentive enough...

Guys, I am falling so hard. The second I leave him I want to see him again. So badly it makes me want to cry. He will be traveling a lot this summer, and just thinking about him leaving is making me want to cry. Just thinking about how much I like him makes me want to cry. I am seriously considering the possibility of just staying in Paris. This sucks i need to get a life.

So I just texted him and hes meeting a friend tonight, so hes not coming over. I am sad, but not as sad as I thought I would be. I will probably crying in about half an hour though, so I dont know. I miss him already. I am sure he can smell my desperation across paris and through the shit smell that lingers in the air here... lol seriously it always smells like shit, i cant figure out where it comes from.

So i am trying to decide whether he is my BoyFriend (BF) or FuckBuddy (FB).
I am making a list, to be posted later. This sucks.

And Happy Again

2007-06-17T15:24:00.000-07:00

On the metro ride home I seriously almost started crying. Is it possible to get pms while on the pill? Cuz I got it bad. I got home and called V, hoping to get her to help me move in. She had made other plans, but she was such a sweetheart and came to my rescue. We moved my stuff in to my ADORABLE apartment. She met my ADORABLE house mate, then we ate mcdonalds, drank wine and watched bridgette jones. She is bitching about her boy situation again, and I explain that even when its good its not good. But at least I dont have it as bad as her... lol

Then halfway through the movie I get the perfect message from A to make her incredibly jealous and make me a giddy little girl: "Hi! Did you manage to move everything? I am really sorry I left this morning... I really missed you... how's your first night in your new apartment?" So i am pathetic and a loser but this really makes me happy and giddy and i love it. I have to use Vs phone to write back cuz my phone is out of money, and making her jealous is evil i know, but seriously it was an amazing feeling. i am going to hell.

A gets online that night and we talk for a long time. Fuck he was gone for ONE DAY and i miss him like crazy. A nice ending to a shitty day i guess... Fuck I am seriously falling for this kid.

Summer Starts, Its Amazing, I want to Cry

2007-06-17T09:26:00.000-07:00

Its the last week of school and I am not having fun. Everything I let pile up is umm, well piled up and now I have to do it. To top it off, A comes back on Tuesday.
I hear him come in the house, talking to his mom, and I freeze up... what do I do? Play it cool, play it cool. I put on my headphones and pretend not to notice. I also pee like 30 times in about 5 minutes. Why is it that when I get nervous I pee out every drop of liquid i have in my body? WHY?? Especially when its about a guy. SO NOT CUTE.
ANYWAY, he comes into my room and plants a kiss on me and says Hey, as if hes just been out for coffee or something. What I love and hate about A is that he is sooooo nonchalant and chill. No awkwardness at all. I on the other hand am a bumbling retard.
-Oh hey! Umm, wait your back already?? Wow, umm COOL. When did you get back? I thought you werent getting here till friday! Right, Total Lie. Have been counting down the minutes for this moment. And by the way you are 3 minutes 43 seconds late.
- No i told you I was coming home on the 12th, didnt I? I did. No you didnt. I got the news from your mom, but whatever....
-Oh oops, well whatever COOL! I have so much work... yucky... and on I go wining about my life. boys love this, i am sure.

oh but he is perfect, offering to help, trying to get me to work, ultimately distracting me and fucking me silly. yummmm. The rest of the week I decide to ditch work to "work" on my school work. A goes in and out of BF behavior and I dont know whats going on, but whatever, I like it. Since i take off work I am home in the afternoons. We fuck then, and afterwards he holds my hand, whispers sweet nothings, makes me ice cream in my favorite flavors. Happiness. Yet each night he goes out and the following occurs:
-I dress up, saying I am going out, or actually do go out for dinner looking smoking hot. (yeah i am)
-I come home early, needing to do "work" of course.
-I set up my computer on my bed and try to do work, but just wait for A to come home. It gets kind of late, and I decide to fall asleep in clothes with comp open, and pretend to "fall asleep doing work," because this is obviously cute or something. why am i a freak? is it genetic?
-I wake up around 3 or something, and try to convince myself that hes not coming home, and thats okay, but secretly am wishing he will take a taxi. No such luck. I am a retard.

So whats up with that? I mean, so great in the day, but no love at night? i mean, yeah i guess he should see his friends and stuff, but still. I am pissed. Come home and fuck me damnit!

Friday night I go out and get WASTED. as in WASTED WASTED. I am in Es area, and am way too drunk to walk home and way too frisky to miss this opportunity. I do the one ring hang up and promptly get a call back. "Hi! Its corinne... i am sooooooooo soooorrry but i am REALLY REALLY DRUNK! can i come over???? I cant go home...." "Sure its okay, just come on up" "ARE YOU SURE???? I am soooooooo wasted! Thanks yoou!!!"

This is not a good idea. I get there and I am seriously a mess. this is not good. I dont even remember everything, but some things i do know i said:
-I tell all my friends you are a sex fiend but i still feel safe coming here and i know you wont do anything
-my boyfriend is an asshole. he wont come home and fuck him, what do i tell him i am doing right now?
-I am sooooo cute but i just cant help it (followed by about 15 minutes of hysterical laughter)
-why are you so nice to me???
-you look like a girl.
-I am taking off my jeans i am hot. Wait that is a fucking horrible idea you will totally rape me n my sleep. but i am hot. dude as if i would get naked in front of you. fuck its hot. (belt comes off, first button undone) HA tricked you no way you get to see me naked
Followed by me passing out.

Well i didnt fuck him, thank god, but if he seriously tried to i would have. I would have regretted it and felt awful about A, but i have a feeling it would have been really good.

I get home around 1 and eat with A and his mom and aunt. Then we watch tv, play video games, and watch movies, intermittently sitting on top of him when his mom leaves and jumping to opposite sides of the couch when she walks back into the room. I feel like i am in third grade, but being hungover and sitting with him petting my legs and generally being boyfriendy is awesome and i am so glad i didnt fuck E. His mom leaves and we go buy dinner and take a shower together. He says he will help me move out the next day and I go out to meet up with some friends. I get back drunk, again, but this time he is waiting for me. Kissing my face gently, getting me water, and just generally being awesome. Then he says: "my parents called. i have to go to the country tomorrow."

WHAT THE FUCK! NOOOOOO... How am i going to take all my shit to the new apartment? I already was counting on him, so i tell all my other friends i dont need help. He is genuinely sorry, but this is not good. This morning he leaves with me practically beggin him to stay. When he gets back tonight, I will be gone. And i say that to him. "can i see you tomorrow?" he says, and lightly kissing my nose. i dont want him to leave, but then hes gone.

Its a crappy day, raining and hot, and all i want to do from the second i wake up is cry. I have to move out of this amazing place to a place that should be good, but its new and scary. I pack all my stuff and realize that i wont be able to just come home and see him here. He wont just be able to come home and fuck me. I wont see him every day. Actually, i probably wont see anyone every day: all the other students left today too. My phone is out of minutes, so i cant even call the two people i know in paris. I go pick up the keys to my new apartment, and end up at the cafe. Maybe E will cheer me up. He comes in, sees me, says he feels like shit from drinking too much the night before, then goes and sits across the way and drinks his coffee. while he is outside i move to the seat next to him, conveniently located next to the plug so I have a legit excuse. He comes inside and says "I am so pissed off. I am going home." I look up with the biggest puppy eyes ever and tell him I am sad and lonely and ask him to stay. No such luck, he really seems miserable so I dont push it. He looks at me and with a warm smile and kisses my forehead, then leaves.

Now I am here alone, wanting to cry more than ever. I have to walk three fatty suitcases to a new apartment by myself in the rain. Not to mention up 6 flights of stairs, sans elevator. I am thinking about just "accidently" falling asleep in my old bed and putting it off until tomorrow, but I know I got to go. I will finish the last bit of work, and just do it. Its not a happy day.

Freak part 2

2007-06-12T04:05:00.001-07:00

Okie, so things I didnt put in that I remembered later about the first visit:
Me, tears streaming on the bed. He looks at me and gives me this look like, its all going to be okay and he wipes some tears off my face
-Je profite quand t'es faible (i gain when you are weak)
-Quick slap in the face
-I forgot you speak french
-I noticed
lol it was actually really funny... I realize that everything i write about him makes him seem more and more creepy, but its like, hes just funny. and the more i deny it the more it seems like he is a rapist. great...
Him- now that i fixed your computer you have to sleep with me
-umm no... you should have said that before.
-I should have made that deal before i fixed it. you would have said yes.
-i actually probably would have said yes i was so desperate... well now you know, next time you have a girl hysterically crying at your house, make sure she will fuck you before you help her.

okie anyway... My computer was still pretty fucked up. we had to use an old version windows that was his and in french, and none of my drivers were installed blah blah. so i had to go back with all my cds for him to really fix it. yippee for me... So i call him sat and ask when i can come over. I want to be nice and get him something to say thank you for everything, but i cant think of anything. i could clean his apartment, which would almost be more for me than him, but no... So what do i do? I BUY CHAMPAGNE AND STRAWBERRIES.

YES I AM A RETARD. but i had been craving champagne for a while, its finally summer and there are gorgeous strawberries on sale everywhere, and i wanted an excuse to get drunk so i could talk about sex more candidly. lol

So i get to his house and he is still asleep. at 4. PM. lol. awesome. i give him the strawberries and he is genuinely happy. apparently he loves strawberries. point for me.
-you know, strawberries and champagne are sex toys.
-i eat strawberries and champagne with my parents. is it a sex toy then? (not true, but i could...)
-I guess not. Well it depends on what kind of family you come from. do you do incest?

Oh E. I get drunk while he fixes my computer and I go out and buy more champagne, more fruit, and a coffee for him. hes actually drunk too, but that french drunk where you are just kind of buzzed but you are reserved. I was wasted in that american i am a shit show kind of way. But its SO MUCH FUN. hanging out with him is so easy. we just go back and forth teasing eachother, semi flirting, and i dont know i just like it. I end up getting really drunk and passing out after we watch a movie. when i kind of wake up its dark and he is still putting shit on my comp. he really is a lifesaver in that respect. he occasionally will like touch me, but i am too drunk and liking it too much to stop him until he gets too obvious, and i have to pretend that he woke me up. I kind of start stirring and he jumps on me. like literally on top of me. He pins my hands down and is like, dont struggle. of course i do, and he definately has me pinned. I momentary kinda freak out, but in the end i know he really wont do anything. He kind of tries to kiss me but i am laughing and struggling. finally i just give up. when i stop moving he gets annoyed that the game is over, so he starts tickling me. SO NOT FAIR. i go crazy, as usual, and have to kick him off and gasp for air. SEXY. "See now you are awake." Thanks...

We end up just watching tv and movies and playing around then going to sleep and i leave the next morning. nothing happens really, but it was genuinely such a fun day. and in the end, i want to fuck him. not that i will ever have a good excuse to go back there... I kinda mentioned that in a drunken way, and he was like, you are always welcomed, but still.

The fucked up part about this all is that A comes home today. And after months of freaking out about him, I havent thought about him at all this week. All i can think about is E. I dont even want A anymore. Having E pin me down like that was HOT. God its nice to have a guy like be strong and manly and sometimes i want to be rough and passionate. and with A its all soft and gentle and little boyish. EW. I AM SO OVER HIM. okay, probably not, and when he gets back i will probably start with the obsession again. but for the moment all i can think about is E pinning my hands down and breathing on my neck. Then i think about the typical A slinking into my bed while i am asleep and quietly fucking. EEEEEWWWWW. I WANT PASSION! I WANT FIREWORKS!!!!!

The next day I meet up with V and try to explain the E sitch.
-I dont think you should get into relationship with him. It wouldnt be a good idea
No shit sherlock. I dont want to be his fucking 4th girlfriend. i want him to fucking rape me. in a fantasy being realized kind of way, of course.
I explain that i just dont want to be tied down anymore. I want to date around, see a bunch of people, be single and just have fun...
-Can you do that? I dont know if I can. I hear that they do that in America... You know, you have relationships with a bunch of people, not just one. And you dont become boyfriend and girlfriend for like months. Do you really do that? I couldnt do that...
ITS FUCKING CALLED DATING! you meet someone, go out on dates, but you arent exclusively married from minute one.
-I cant do that. I need to know whats going on between us, and if they are with other people too. (Might I add she has a sex complex, and just lost her v card a couple weeks ago, and afterwards had a freaking breakdown for giving away her special gift...)
I explain that I just want to have fun, and not get sucked in by a bunch of shit. Not necessarily going and having a million one night stands, but you know, meeting different guys and getting with them if i like them. She seems really relieved that I wont become a raging slut, like this other english she girl she once knew and told me about (that girl was, in fact, a dirty slut, but still at least she knew how to have a good time.) In the end I have to censor what i say, aka no rape speak, and i am not going to tell her if i fuck him. she dissaproves. well i mean, even i dissaprove, but thats cuz hes a freak, not cuz casual sex is evil.

So anyway, right at this moment, I am sitting in the cafe, knowing E wont be awake but still hoping he comes in before I have to go to work... Fuck I am messed up. I am also trying to figure out what to do about A. I kinda made plans to go out drinking tonight, even though i have a lot of work to do. I will most likely have to stay in, but i am going to work really hard to try to get out. And then work really hard to get drunk before i get home, so then maybe i will have an excuse not to fuck him... At the same time, i want him to want to fuck me. I will end up doing it, who am i kidding. I am so fucking horny, even slow silent sex will be okay. But what i really want is to be pinned down by strong arms, have hot breath down my neck, and have someone whisper in my ear that they are going to fuck me hard.

any takers?

Another Freak part 1

2007-06-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

These past few weeks have been insane, and this last weekend was crazier. I am gonna have to go WAY back to explain this one, so get ready for a LONG one... I will do my best not to banter...

So there is this little cafe near my school sorta that has free wireless internet. I go there a lot, since it has free wireless internet. In doing so, I met the regulars. One is particular is a major freak. He shall be named E. E is a total sex maniac freak. The way we met was him asking a friend and I what 'I need to get laid' meant. Great start. Then he directed us to a really gross and disturbing porn photo that shall remain nameless. And that is how it all began. Although he was a creepy freak, he was funny and pretty harmless and gave us something to talk about and laugh at, so whatever... He is ALWAYS at this cafe, and knows everyone there and everyone knows him. I developed a weird crush on him, that wasnt really real, but there is something about him. Plus he is skinny, white, and semi-tall so OF COURSE I LIKE HIM. Somebody put me out of my fucking misery.

Anyway, nothing big every happens. He is a nice distraction when i do my work at the cafe. He is constantly talking about all the sex he has or just sex in general, and always trying to get me talk about sex. He has three 'girlfriends,' and I use that term loosely. The one he seriously 'loves' is just 16 years old. He is 27. Yeah getting the picture? Seriously some of the things that have come out of his mouth:
"I had a girl friend who went to the bathroom and when she came back I asked her if she had masterbated, and she said yes. I asked her if she washed her hands and she said, of course I washed my hands afterwords. Girls are dirty because they dont wash their hands before they masterbate and then they wonder why they get all itchy..."
"Being lazy is great for masterbation because when you are lying in bed all day that just where your hands naturally go."
"I dont like to rape foreign girls because they dont know how to call the police or how to get help, so they dont struggle and its no fun."
Get the point? Thought so...

Anyway, last monday I went to work on my assfuckmunch paper. E was there and there was no open spaces in the cafe so I sat next to him. The normal banter started. I explained that I actually had a lot of work to do, and he said he would help me. Here we go... But actually, he really did help me. A lot. I got 2 pages done and they were really clear and perfect and he really helped me think out my ideas. It was sweet and we stayed there working until the cafe closed. Yay for him. This was the first time I actually was like, hey, there is actually a person inside that crazy wild hair. And I decided that I wanted to be his friend. Considering I have about 2, this should not come as a surprise. Yes I am desperate for company, but he is also a nice guy just pretending to be a perv.

Here begins the crazy chain events that makes me love my desperate self:
The day before my paper is due, I go to the cafe to work. I asked for the day off work to focus, so I had the entire day. Of course, I get to the cafe, and dont do shit. Nothing. Perfect. E comes in and sits across from me. I am furiously trying to procrastinate and make him talk to me, which thank god is not that hard. He forces me to do work though, which in the end is a good thing. He is also trying to get me to fuck him, I tell him I never will so he should just get over it. As usual, he doesnt stop. Whatever, its nice hearing someone say how beautiful you are sometimes, and knowing someone wants to fuck your brains out is always a mood booster, so continue my friend. After a while he says he is leaving. I do not want to work, AT ALL. I ask him what he is doing and practically invite myself to go shopping with him. Weird event chain point 1: what the fuck? what am i doing? going shopping with freakboy? umm what possessed me to do this? Sheer desperation. i dont want to do so i follow anything that will let me not do work.

We go to the supermarket and i am stil desperately trying to figure out a way to not go home to finish this paper. I suggest we get icecream, but he just says we should buy it there. Great. Then we leave and i realize that to eat said ice cream i have to go to his house. FUCK I AM A RETARD.
-Fuck no I am not going to your house.
-Come on.
-No.
-What, I am not going to rape you.
-I dont fucking believe you.
-Come on. We can watch South Park.
-Okay.
Yeah, so I am easy, what do you want. We go to his disgusting little apartment (that his parents pay for because they are rich. E is a revolutionary communist who thinks work is willing rape, and therefore does not work. i dont know exactly how he makes money. He says he just uses a card for everything, which doesnt quite make sense, but whatever). It is literally so dirty I want to clean it. Like its at the level of nasty that I really just want to scrub it clean to make sure the next bubonic plague doesnt rise from his trash can. Actually, his trash can was the only CLEAN thing in the room. That is because he uses one corner as a trash heap, and just throws everything he doesnt want there. Yummm. We eat ice cream and watch southpark before i finally decide i must leave. It was actually normal and I decide that I really do want to be his friend, but I will never fuck him. Especially in this nasty mess. Ew.

Weird event chain point 2: I get home, and turn on my computer. The screen goes black. I restart it. It does it again. I turn it on again and this screen pops up saying something about it starting wrong and it has to go back to the last good time it worked or something. But NOTHING HAPPENS; Although i didnt do that much work, I did a lot and the last time i backed up was before my tutor had made big corrections. Begin Hysteria. I start freaking out. My housemate has no idea what to do. I say I have a friend (E) who is really good with computers (he is).
-Should I go back to his house, I was just there...
-Call him.
-I dont have his number.
-Email him
- I dont have his email! I dont even barely kno his name!! I just barely know where he lives! What if he Leaves!!!!!! FUUUUUCK!
-Wait you dont know his name but you were at his house?
-FUCK FUCK FUCK I AM LEAVING

Weird event chain point 3: I go back to his house. Umm why? I mean, i was in hysterics and had no idea what to do, but THATS MY SOLUTION? right makes no fucking sense. The 25 min metro ride i am freaking out. What am I going to say? what if he left? what can he possibly do? what if he is fucking someone right now and i interrupt? what am i doing?? I sprint to his place and furiously knock on the door. He answers.
-Did you forget something?
-No umm I have a problem my computer wont work I am going to cry!!!
-What?
-Sorry to come over like this but FIX MY COMPUTER.
Then come the tears. Oh so sexy. he is really sweet though and brings me in and tells me to calm down and gets me tissues and is really nice about it. Then he tries to fix my comp. I am still crying and he is really being good about it. I have cried in front of a few guys, and they were all shit about it. E was comforting and sweet and even if he couldnt figure out what was wrong with my comp, he made me feel safe. After a long ass time, he finally sort of fixes it! I seriously could have fucked him right there, and of course he suggests it, but instead i just hug him. I am soooooooo fucking relieved. I go from crying mess to exstatic crazy girl in like 10 seconds. He has to do a lot more stuff, but i am just beaming the entire time. And since I called my tutor and explained, I had an extra day to finish my paper! woo hoo. so instead of going home right away, i hang out an extra hour just to hang out. we watch tv and just hang out and it feels good. He is just so easy to be with. It gets late, and he says i can stay.
-If i stay I am not fucking you
-Last time an american girl stayed at my house i bet her 50 euro that she couldnt spend the night and not sleep with me. We fucked and I never got my money.
-I am not fucking you ever, so get over it.
-Lets bet: 100 euro says you cant stay here the night without fucking me.
-..... (thats me hesitating)
-SEE YOU CANT DO IT!
- NO that not it, i just have to go to work tomorrow and then i would have to wake up early here and go home and change and...
-Dont lie you just know you cant not fuck me.
-FINE LETS BET. LETS GO COME ON!
-no now you just wont do it to prove it.
Fuck, so hes got me. I am pretty bad at sleeping with people and not fucking them: see the J story. But also the other stuff was true too... I swear. Anyway, I leave and say I will call him later to fix the rest of the stuff.

This is fucking loong. Will write part 2 soon.

promise

2007-06-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

So I was looking back on some old blogs, and I realized that I was sooooo much better at this before. I mean, maybe its because I had better material (aka F being a total freak), but seriously things were a lot funnier and more entertaining. Therefore I hereby promise to make more of an effort to do better. I will try to do cooler things and make an ass of myself more often to have something to write about. I am sorry I have been dissapointing lately, only talking about my obsessions with A forever.

Granted, I have to write a ten page research paper in French in 3 days and tonight my host dad got me drunk at dinner. So I promise to start doing all this again, once i finish my work. So just deal with the shittiness for a few more days.

Please? thanks...

love you all (only because I am happily wasted on good champagne and wine)
C

Oops... My Bad

2007-06-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

So I realized I didnt tell you what happened with F. It slipped my mind cuz, its nothing big...

So after I texted saying I would call him that week to see him, I didnt call. Basically I was SUPER busy and seriously just didnt have time to call. And I didnt want to. But really, even if I did want to see him I wouldn't have been able to. Okay MAYBE, but yeah, you get it.
He texted asking when we could see eachother, and I explained again that I was really busy, that I was sorry, and that I would tell him when I could see him next. He wrote back saying that if i didnt want want to see him anymore it was okay, that I should just say that. Oops... I wrote back and said: "Its not that, I am just really busy. I have a lot of work to do and I am really stressed out right now. This is the reason I didnt want a boyfriend. I shouldnt have started with you, but I really liked you. I am sorry." Does that sound convincing and take most the blame off me? Yeah, didnt think so. But its all I could think of... No response yet. Oh well.

So this week I have been super stressed, which made me want a boy... Of course. I was sitting all alone in my bed and just wished I had someone. Then I thought, well I could have F if I want. And I thought about it some more. I could spend 45 minutes going to his house. I would be staring into his beautiful face having an insanely awkward conversation. If any conversation at all. Then we would go to his bedroom, where I would have to put on my PJs and fold all my clothes up neatly and put them away. There would be the half hour wait for him to go through his OCD grooming habits. Then we would start making out kinda and he would taste like astringent and I would be getting evil beard burn. Then there would be 45 minutes of boob play with intermitent attention to my lower parts that ultimately would leave me really turned on and super frustrated. We would go both try to go to sleep and once I was partially there, he would wake me up and furiously try to keep his hard on long enough to fuck me. I would barely notice. Then we would go back to 'sleep' but it wouldn't really be restful. We would have to wake up at the crack of dawn so he could get to work on time. I would come home and go back to sleep and get zero work done. So all in all, I definately feel that I have made the right choice. Right? Right.

I have also been giving the A thing some more thought. Obviously.... I have a 10 page research paper to write, what else would I do? So I spent Saturday with V, talking about our respective boy problems. Lol, so it was more than JUST that, but yeah seriously. She has a new crush and I am seriously jealous. I want a new boy to make me giddy and excited about everything. I seriously need a change of pace. I need new boy problems, new things to think about, a new scene. Unfortunately, I have so much work the only thing I have been doing is sitting in my room whining about the work I have to do. Not so condusive to meeting new guys...
Then I got a message. From A. On his birthday I sent him a text saying: happy birthday! 19 kisses and a pinch for good luck! Yes okay, hes fucking 19. Thats been freaking me out enough, I definatley dont need to express it here. Wait a couple paragraphs, then I might get into it... ANYWAY, he wrote me a message. Nothing serious, just: 'thanks for the message on my bday! i am waiting for the kisses... Hows the report going?' Nothing big, but it seriously made my night.

Then I started thinking about it a little more (with the help of V and some wine...). I get happy when he talks to me. Well talking is a bit of a stretch, but whenever he gets in contact somehow. He writes cute things and asks questions about my life. I mean, its not like crazy romantic gestures, but for a 19 year old kid, he does pretty well. So why am I freaking out about it? Shouldnt I just be happy about what I have? Yes. Yes I should.

But I cant! I am so anxious about him coming back. I cant relax about it! Is he still going to like me? Are we seriously going to be like bf and gf? How will that work? Will we go out together? Will he just come over at night? Will he stay every night? Will he stay the whole night? Will he tell his parents? What will they think? What will happen when I have to leave Paris? HOW WILL THIS WORK???? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! My head is exploding. A comes back in 9 days. Until then I will be freaking out. Yay...

listen to me whine...

2007-06-01T13:51:00.000-07:00

So I am super stressed out about this paper. Of course instead of doing it, I am watching tv online and obsessing about A. So as much as I would love to go into detail about how I have recently become obsessed with the show House, I think my obsessing over A might be a bit more interesting. And actually, that probably wont be very exciting either. Lol... Yeah me being lonely and babbling about it is about to make a GREAT blog entry... Get excited. lol... I might throw in some stuff about F too. If youre lucky...

So exchanges with A have been normal... Nothing serious. After a long time waiting for a response to the last message, I decided to break the silence. I sent a message that, in my humble opinion, was pretty chill and nonchalant. No sex talk, no I cant stop thinking about you, I just talked about the scary thunderstorms, my crazy amount of work, and asked how things were going with him. Okay so I also said I wish I had a better distraction from work, but thats like nothing compared to usual... Anyway, I got a response back the next day! Thats like a freaking record. It was sweet: hes done with school, so he's just partying it up, but he said he wishes he could be here with me so I wouldnt be scared during the thunderstorms. Awww Lets all collectively gag. In a good way... He even asked about my workload and when I would be done. He also nonchalantly slipped in that his birthday was coming up. As if i didnt have the date ingraned in my head... I purposefully tried not to mention it earlier. See, I am doing better! I eagerly wrote back (maybe a little too eagerly) and explained my hellish workload. I also said that I had completely forgotten about the birthday. There is no need to put my crazy obsessiveness on display, right? Of course not... I asked what he wanted, besides me of course... No response. He said he wasnt going to be at the library anymore since hes finished his work, but some facebook stalking has deduced that he went online today. Not only that, HE FRIENDED A GIRL! Well actually, in his defence, she could have accepted his friend request today, and considering it was done at 8 AM, this might be the case. Whatever, I am not really pissed about it.

What I am pissed about is my obsession with this kid who JUST TURNED 19!! I couple days ago I counted my birth control pills to make sure I wouldnt get my period when he got here. Yesterday his mom told me he would actually be coming back the 12th instead of the 15th and my stomach did backflips. He was on the phone tonight with his mom for his birthday and I couldnt wipe the idiot grin off my face. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

I rationally dont really like him. He is 19. He is short. He's not particularly cute. He's mature, but not that mature. I mean, his girl skills are pretty lame... I mean, I wish I could be there so you wont be scared?? And like, I dont know... Okay so I am over doing it... But seriously. Theres nothing that great about him. I am kind of embarrassed by him. When he comes back, I dont want to introduce him to my friends. A coworker is going to have a party and she invited us to bring a +1. I dont want to ask A. Well I do, but i am scared of him not wanting to come/what they will think when I bring a 19 year old.

Whats this going to be like when he gets back? I mean, we the most consecutive time we have spent in the same freaking CITY together has been about 3 days. Its all nice and dandy when all he has to do is come home, wake me up and fuck me, but when we actually have to make an effort to see eachother? When spending the night together might mean that we have to like, go out together? Then what? I mean, there is no way this will work. And even if it does work, WHATS THE POINT? I leave in about 3 months. Hes going to be in and out of Paris all summer long. Why am I setting myself for this? Bleh. What am I doing? God I really need to just chill out until he gets back. A whole 12 days. But I am so freaked out. I mean, I am excited and I want to just have an answer to all this, which I will inevitably get wen he returns. But the anxiety is killing me. I dont want to know because I think I know the answer.

Its not going to work. I can feel it.

(we all know my instincts are shitty so this means absolutley nothing, but that doesnt mean I dont feel shitty right now.)

The J Story

2007-05-29T13:35:00.000-07:00

Sooooooo my life is evil right now. I have to write a crazy long report for my internship, which includes a research paper, due in a week and a half. I had to do one last quarter, but my tutor (assigned by my school who helps me write the paper then grades it) was just a student who didn’t really care and was really chill. I finally just met with my tutor for this one (which is super late but he was in the states for like ever) and he is a total hard ass. He wants me to do a crazy amount of work and there is no way I am going to finish this!! FUCK.

Anyway, lemme explain what happened last week with J. To give the full picture, I should probably explain the entire J story. And since I am bored and don’t want to do work, here it is…

I met J one of the first weeks I was in Paris at a bar. He wasn’t that cute, but he said he lived near me and everyone else I was with lived far away, and apparently we were all drunk enough to trust him enough to let him walk me home… I wasn’t really into him, but of course I am a retard and cant say no to anything, so we ended up making out. Actually the way it began was really weird: he like started NUZZLING ME. Yeah, like nuzzling his head up on me while we were sitting smoking a cigarette. Who would have thought this would have turned out badly? Give me a fucking break, okie? I just got to Paris and I hadn’t been with a guy in a long time and he spoke English… So after that I didn’t really expect to see him again, but he called me a few times, so we ended up hanging out in groups a lot.

J has this crazy ability to be able to assimilate into any group he hangs out with. I went out with some friends and this group of African cool kids. Lol, okay sorry racist, but they were really cool and like intimidating. I invited J to come with us, and he was immediately at ease with everyone and joking and hanging out and shit. And let me explain that J is a little skinny white boy. (of course…) Its just sooo cool that he can do that, especially since in like real life he is really insecure and stuff. But anyway, we I ended up taking the first metro home with him that night and I went to his house and slept with him. BUT IT WAS AWEFUL!!! Like NO spark. We fucked FOREVER and he never came. Of course I got a major complex about it and freaked out for days. We hung out again a couple of times, and when we fucked again same thing. Only at one point when I was talking just a LITTLE dirty (okay I DON’T DO dirty talk… All I said was ‘I like kissing your skin’ or something.) he freaked out! Like sat up and stopped me and was all like depressed or something. He told me something about his old girl friend or something… I don’t know. It was fucking weird. We kept going for a while, but once again he didn’t come. Once again I freaked out for days… I didn’t really want to keep seeing him, but when he started ignoring me and shit I freaked out more. I don’t like him, but he should fucking like me! (okay, so maybe I am crazy but I cant help it…)

So I confronted him and we decided not to try to fuck anymore. We hung out a few times platonically, but then he slept over at mine once when we all hung out nearby, and he tried to fuck me again. I didn’t want to, but with his sexy method of taking my hand and putting on his dick without a word, who could resist. EW SO NOT SEXY. What I really cant resist is someone in my bed trying to fuck me and having to awkwardly deny. I EVEN TRIED TO DENY, but its just so much easier to give in. So I did, kinda… we didn’t have condoms. But I gave him head forever and of course it didn’t work. No cum. He left the next day and I told him we should never try this again. A while later we hang out again and AGAIN he tries to get with me. This time I successfully denied him. But seriously, what the fuck. HE BROKE UP WITH ME.

Anyway, he moved out of Paris to live with his sister a few weeks ago. He comes back to Paris to take a theater class every Wednesday and ends up needing a place to spend the night. He asked if he could stay, and since my host mom was going to be in LA and my host dad was going to Beirut, I said yeah. I specifically said that no funny stuff would happen and he agreed. I could put him in Arthur’s room so he would have his own bed and it would be nice to go out with someone anyway… So Wednesday rolls around, and a war fires up in Beirut. My host dad stays in town. Awesome… I decide to just sneak J in and out. He said he would be done around 11 and we could get drinks and stuff. He doesn’t come until 12. And hes like, umm its kind of late, do you just want to stay in? Umm no. But whatever. I sneak him in and it turns out he has to be up super early to catch the train. I don’t care except my host dad wakes up early to go to work every day, so we have to wake up SUPER EXTRA early to leave before he is up. Fucker. I put on my pjs and start doing work in bed while J tries to go to sleep. He convinces me to just sleep, and I think he is just annoyed by the light of my comp. So fine, whatever I stop working and try to sleep. Before long there is the classic J move. Fuck. I try to deny him but its not working. I explain I am on the rag, but he doesn’t seem to care. Well fuck you I do, and I am not giving you head for 8 hours when I know nothing is going to happen. He ends up convincing me to fuck him (I was on the end of my period, so its not that bad…) ANYWAY, after a long time and many positions guess what? HE DOESN’T COME. And he is just SOOOO BAD AT SEX. I had to be on top the entire time because he cant be on top because he DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE IS DOING! Ick it is SOOO BAD. I ask him to talk to me, to tell me what he likes, because at this point I just want to figure it out. Is he gay? Does he take medicine that keeps him from coming? Am I just not doing this right? He says he doesn’t know what he likes and that’s it. No more direction. Well how the fuck am I supposed to know? Retard.

I fake it and pretend to be all fucked out, cuz I just cant keep doing this... I tell him we can go again in a bit, but end up just faking sleep. After a while he starts trying to wake me up and finally I cant pretend to be asleep anymore so I give in and try to give him head. At one point I finally think he is gonna come, but the moment passes and I spend forever down there. At one point I get a hair caught in my throat and kinda start coughing. Real sexy I know. Anyway, he just stops me. I really want him to come though, but he really wont let me continue. I ask if I am doing something wrong, and he says its not me, that he is fucked up, and not to blame myself. Umm thanks, but I am over that. Its you buddy, that’s for sure. But why???

He leaves the next day and I am left with this huge puzzle. WHY DO I ATTRACT SEXUALLY DISFUNCTIONAL MEN??? WHY???

The Last Week

2007-05-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

So this last week I have actually started going out! With PEOPLE!!! WOO HOO. Granted, its mostly with V, which is getting a little tiresome, but whatever. I am no longer sitting alone watching bad TV writing this blog. Well I am but not NEARLY as much... :)
The host family went out of town practically for the entire week again, so I was free for dinner and hung out with V almost every night. One night I went out with some other students which was actually fun! Its nice being around other people for a change... We got sushi, beer, then went to a hooka bar. All in all it was a pretty nice night, and a pretty cool week. I even hung out with some Frenchies!!! Saturday night was an old language partner's b-day, and he invited me to his house for burgers... YAY. I brought V, which turned out to be kind of a mistake... She was all shy and insecure and paranoid (shes vegetarian, and super ashamed about it or something). They werent EXTREMELY accomadating about her not eating the burgers, but they like asked a few times if they could get her anything else and stuff, and she was like REFUSING. I mean, its not that big of a deal, you know? Then she got in a really shitty mood and some of the girls at the party werent being super nice or anything. I mean, we were kinda being closed off too, but nobody was exactly going out of their way to be super nice to us, except H of course, I love him. Anyway, when we left V was SUPER pissed off. She is starting to get kind of annoying. ALL SHE DOES IS TALK. Like seriously non-stop talking on and on and on. and its usually about this long term relationship boy thing. Okay, I know I am not one to talk, but i seriously feel soooo bad about all the people I blabbed on to about A and F. Seriously, next time I do that slap me because I am about to stab V. Whatever, I will take a little break from her for now... Too bad she is like one out of like 4 friends I have right now, and in the summer she seriously will be MY ONLY FRIEND. Great... I guess i will just have to glue myself to A... awesome plan...
Of course there has been some boy drama on my end too, but after listening to V go on and on and on about her boy I kinda feel retarded talking about it. But I guess you guys dont listen to me for hours on end about them... (and i literally mean hours. Like an entire dinner... multiple nights in a row...) ANYWAY. So boys boys boys... Okay last week after getting drunk with V and listening to her rationalize our insane thoughts about boys and shit, I text A when I get home at 4Am. She is egging me on and I end of writing "Been out all night but still cant stop thinking of you! Wish you were here and I could find your tickle spot. :)" (Its not AS weird as it looks: I am super ticklish and he always torchers me, and I can never find his spot, annoyingly, but I always try and its kind of a joke between us...) Anyway, of course I get no response... I feel like an idiot. Also, I havent got any new messages from him since before going to Amsterdam. And I have been doing my fair share of facebook stalking, and he has been online practically every day. Makes me feel great. Not to mention some girl wrote a smily face on his wall AND NOTHING ELSE. I cant see her profile, so I am just silently being tortured. AWESOME.
In the meantime, F texts me. "Hi. Hope you are doing well. Call me if you want. It will make me happy." I write back "Hi. I am sorry i have been mean... Its not fair but i dont know what to do. I know that if I see you i will want to be with you but thats not good. Its not fair to be together when I am definately going to leave. Maybe if we arent serious, but i dont know if thats possible." I figure thats pretty good, I mean, I kind of let him down gently, right?Qnd he was sooo obsessed with being serious and shit I figure he wont want to do that... I cant just outright say your penis is too small and not hard enough and you have no personality to boot, right? Well the response i get is: "Its possible to not be very serious. We can try. I want to see you." Fuck. I just let it go and dont respond. I dont know what to fucking say, and him begging is kind of gross. I go out that night with the stanfords and at MIDNIGHT i get this dandy little message: "Hi. I would really like to see you tomorrow. 'I want you.' We wont be serious if you want. I want to see you. Please." Keep in mind that this has all been in French. And then that last text he writes everything in French except "I want you" is in english. HOT. I want him too. All this begging and desperation is getting me really horny and makes me miss him soooo much. (and just in case you had any doubts I am being extremely sarcastic.)
I feel bad that he is literally begging though, so I cave. I say I cant tomorrow but Sunday. He quickly writes back okay. Fucker.
The next day I am discussing with V and we decide that if his behavior before was indicating psycho killer tendencies, this would be the time i would be chopped into bits. We wanted to go to the modern art museum thats really cool, so we decided to invite him along. That way V could see him (shes very curious about him...) and we are in a well lit, public place so no murdering can happen. He writes back the next day he cant come, but "you will come to my house at 8 and watch a movie with me." Umm, what kind of request is that? And what kind of reality do you live in?? HELL NO. So i say no sorry, I am really busy these next weeks and have a lot of work but i will call you later this week when I am free to come by. Umm was this a bad idea? I really dont want to go to his house ever again. He writes back "No worries." so I guess it got him off my back for the week. FUCK. i dont want to see him!!!

To top it all off, A finally writes back to my lame ass text message: "I just finished studying, so tired. I told you already you wont find my tickle spot (dont have any) ;) Sweet dreams, kiss." So first of all, he did tell me he had a tickle spot! little liar. Second, THAT IS NOT A ROMANTIC/FLIRTY RESPONSE!! Okay, i mean, i guess the winky smily and the sweet dreams were nice and all, but come on, i feel like something a lot better could have come back. I scrambled to write something witty and cute but carefree back. I failed miserably: "You tolld me you had a tickle spot in the middle of your body! Even if you dont have one it will still be fun looking for it... Ugh I have so much work! But all I can think about is my lonely bed... I need something (or someone) to fill it up. Any ideas? ;)" AM I FREAKING RETARDED??? I THINK THAT IS THE WORST RESPONSE EVER GIVEN EVER!!!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!!

God damnit. So I am beginning to realize that I am not exactly pissed at the lack of emails, messages, and calls from A. Its the lack of him being here that is pissing me off. I mean, yeah he could send nicer shit, or anything at all. But nothing would satisfy me. I just want hiim to kiss me and hold me at night! And no matter what he says, he wont be doing that. No text message can pop out of my phone and put its arm around me at night, unfortunately. :( I am also kind of pissed/sad because he is finished with school now. He is just hanging around London to party for THREE WEEKS! He could be here right now on top of me, but instead he is getting hammered. Fucker.

My old french friend J is coming back into town this wednesday and asked if he could stay with me. We started hooking up in the beginning of the year, but it was just WAY WRONG. I think he might be gay, and we just did not go together. Every time I see him though he tries to hook up with me again, and I always partially give in but then find a way to stop it abruptly. Including one time crying all over him. And yet you think he would stop trying to fuck me... NOPE. ANYWAY, he will be staying over, and I am kind of looking forward to having a guy hold me at night. I REALLY hope we dont fuck, but I am pretty horny, and therefore cant be trusted right now... We'll see how it goes...

Happy Mothers Day

2007-05-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

The day I get back to Amsterdam is the day I go sign the papers for the perfect apartment I found... I realize as well its Mother's Day, so as I walk to the apartment, I call my mom. We talk for a bit then I tell her what I am doing. I explain the apartment to her: big bed, big closet, big window that looks out over a huge street that has open markets twice a week, living room, kitchen... All good and she sounds super excited. "Who is the room mate? Is it a boy or a girl?" I was planning on lying and saying it was a girl, but she sounded so excited and nonchalant when she asked I thought maybe she didnt care either way. I was wrong.

"ARE YOU CRAZY!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING??? ARE YOU STUPID?? DO YOU WANT TO GET RAPED??" The hysterics went on for about 15 minutes until my phone ran out of credit and died. Then she called back to continue. I mean, i guess it is a LITTLE weird moving in with a guy you dont know, but hes a student, I met him and his roommate, and I just feel fine about it... My mom thinks he is going to rape me in the middle of the night. She went on forever, telling me to just stay with my host family. Obviously I couldnt explain that fucking my host brother had messed things up there, but I did explain that I am sick of being a guest in someones house and that I need my own place. Which by the way is completely true as well. I want to be able to invited friends over and not have to like tip toe around the place. My mom then went on to say that if I didnt want to stay with them that I should come home immediately, and then went on to say that I should just come home, and then I realized that no matter where I stayed she would do this. Well, maybe not exactly this crazy, but yeah... I let her go and went and signed the papers. The explained my mothers histerics to the roommate leaving, who explained that I dont need to worry about being raped in the night, considering the roommate is gay. Also he is apparently not around a lot and has only brought a couple girls over to the house before. All in all it just seemed fine so I went ahead with it.

The next afternoon I get a call. Its my mom. And its about 4:30 her time. Apparently she cant sleep because she is having nightmares and therefore must call me and bitch me out again. This time she basically calls me a slut: Since the apartment does not have air conditioning, when I get home from work all hot and stuff, I will get naked and sit on the couch in the living room and run around the apartment wearing little to nothing. OBVIOUSLY I DO THIS CONSTANTLY. Then she went on to say she regrets ever paying for me to go to France. Too bad this has litterally been the single best experience of my life. Thanks for appreciating how I feel mom. I hang up with her, telling her to take an ambien and get some much needed sleep.

At the end of the first conversation I had gotten her to calm down a bit, and say that I was 21 and could make my own decisions, even if it lasted for about 30 seconds. I thought she would be able to get over it in the end. But after this second conversation, I have a feeling I am in deep shit. I wouldnt be too worried, as my job and grant will give me enough money to get by, but then my boss called me into her office today. Apparently a law was recently passed in France to be become effective immediately. It limits the amount of money that companies can pay their interns. And as a result my pay is going to be reduced. Drastically. Like by more than 100 euros. Thats more than a quarter of what I was getting paid originally. She apologized profusely, but literally its the law and there is nothing she can do about it. FUCKING SWEET.

Now I am sort of freaking out. I am not going to have a lot of money this summer, so no shopping and no trips. I wanted to maybe go for a weekend at the beach, and definately go shopping a lot. Not anymore. And my mom has kind of freaked me out about living with this guy. I am not seriously worried at all, but now there is this little doubt in the back of my head that I cant shake. At one point during the lashings I got from my mom she bitched me out about never taking the self defense classes she wanted me to do all the time, and said that if I had she would have felt 90% better. I talked to V and she said there is a place near her that does them and she will get the info about it soon. THANK GOD. I MUST take them. At least I will be able to throw that in my moms face. And, honestly, living in the city is reason enough to take them anyway. Its just good to know as a girl, I guess...

I dont know why talking to my mom always makes me feel like I am 12 years old... I am fucking 21!! I am always surprised when i say that since I really do still feel 16 at best. I am able to make my own decisions and take responsibility for them. I am not a retard and can make a decision without my mother making me feel like a complete idiot. And more, I should be able to live without relying on her for everything. Maybe it will be better if she cuts me off. I am sick of being the little needy girl. Its time to grow up.

One Crazy Trip

2007-05-13T10:11:00.000-07:00

My phones buzzes me awake at 6:50 Saturday morning. I wake up in a panic--what time is it? what am i missing? what did i forget? where am i supposed to be?

I realize its my alarm and today is the day i go to AMSTERDAM!!! Woo Hoo!!!! I am meeting D at the train station at 7:40. We decided the night before... Our train leaves at 7:55 so I was a bit weary, considering i almost missed the train to London, but he assured me it would be fine. And since you dont have to go through customs and security when you travel there, I believed him. I get to the station right on time and i text him. Hes on his way. I go get my ticket, but there is a line. This is getting close. I go to buy a water and a pain au chocolat. I give the woman a 50 and she gives me like 4 euro back. I had to scream at her for like 5 minutes before she finally gave me the right change. I head toward the train and realize its leaving. Like right then. I beg the people at the door to hold it because my friend is almost here (D called and said he was waiting in line), but she pushes me in and babbles a bunch of stuff at me and the door closes and we leave. Without D. I call him frantically and flop down in the first two empty seats i see...

He has to buy a new ticket, (another 80 euro on top of the 120 he paid the first time around), which sucks a lot. He will get into Amsterdam 2 hours after me,though, so its not too big of a deal. I will get there, find a hostel, buy some pot, and meet him at the station. It will all be okay. I am reading my book and we are going along and at one stop practically everyone gets off... Weird. We go along and the woman over the loudspeaker is saying stuff about stops, but she doesnt say Amsterdam. Uhhh... I ask the English speaking people next to me if this train stops there. No, its stopping in Brugge (or something), but there are stops after that so maybe. Okay, thats just the stop they are getting off at... No biggy. Half hour later over the loudspeakers i hear 'the next stopt is oostaad, our final destination.' UMM EXCUSE ME???? Where the FUCK AM I????

Well aparently, the front half of the train pulled off from the back half, and one goes to oostaad, and one to Amsterdam. Needless to say when i just plopped down at the front half i didnt realize that my assigned seat would be going somewhere fucking else. I had to buy a ticket to amsterdam from Oostaad, costing me 30 euro. And i wasnt going to get there until 3:30. Oops... I was obviously being a little pussy about it and went to the station cafe and got a diet coke and cried about the fact that i didnt know where we were and that they were speaking a language which i couldnt even figure out. I called and texted D a million times with no answer. GREAT. he is going to get there and freak out when i am not there and i guess just go off into the city and i am going to get there and be all alone! FUCK

By the time i get on the train and read more i have begun to calm down. i will be late but it will be fine. D calls from a pay phone and says his phone doesnt work outside of France, but can i please come find him at the station? I explain the sitch, and we decide we are shitshows and that he will meet me at the station when i get in. Finally i get there and things are looking up. We find a hostel on our third try, and finally go to a coffee shop (where you buy pot). We get pot and smoke out of the house bong and it is lovely. I get rediculously high and we hang out. Then we start going to the museums. The Van Gogh and the Rembrandt are the ones we really want to see and I am really excited. I didnt get to go last time, and they are supposed to be really good, and seeing them high will be amazing. So we decide to go to the Van Gogh first then the Rembrandt. Being really really fucking high and walking around a crazy city without a map is not a good idea. We are kind of wandering around looking for little signs and stuff, but finally we stop at a store. We ask for maps but they only have this little book called the Stoner Guide. It has a little map and a bunch of places to party and get drugs. We take it. We walk to the Van Gogh, which is FAR. And its closed. FUCK. We head back, but get extremely lost. The map sucks ass, and we are still high, so we never go in the right direction. Its probably been about an hour and a half before we orient ourselves. By the time we figure shit out, everything is closed. And its really really fucking cold.
We decide to go to another coffee shop and D gets space cake, and i eat some of it but not my own since i am a pathetic light weight now. I ask if we should see a movie since we have nothing to do and we are fucking high, and he agrees. We smoke a joint then head to the theater. We buy our tickets after acting like stoned idiots at the counter. Lets just say it was hilarious but impossible to explain... We got back to the first place we bought pot and hang out and D buys some for himself. After a while we decide its time to head back to the theater. Umm do you know how to get there? I dont. I put him in charge, as i have been doing all day... Apparently I am a useless pussy, but i cant fucking do shit when i am stoned, so give me a break. We are walking along and after a while we start to realize we are lost. Our map sucks so much and we have no fucking clue where we are... It takes another 45 minutes to an hour to get to the theater again. we just BARELY make the movie... The final openning credits end when we walk it. The movies good (the good german) except for the dialogue in german has dutch subtitles, (the entire movie is subtitled, so for the most part its in english), so i dont understand a lot... D is passed out.

We leave and just want to go back to the hostel and sleep and be warm. We start walking, D gets some ice cream after a while. I feel weird since its getting more and more deserted, but i am stoned. Finally we decide to ask someone where we are going... We went in the complete opposite direction and we are FAR. We ask multiple people and the standard response inquires whether we are taking a car or the bus... Umm, we are walking people. WALKING. It takes an hour and a half from AFTER we figure out we are going in the wrong direction to get back.

We were both soooo tired and forelorn and achy. We had litterally walked THE ENTIRE DAY because we are RETARDS. I mean, i guess being stoned in amsterdam will do this to you... I am kinda glad though, because we got out of the creepy, disneyland for adults amsterdam that is so fake and touristy and found the real amsterdam that people live and shit, so that was awesome. I just wish i was wearing better shoes and had a car to do it in...

The next morning we get up and head to the train station. Even though it was all a shitshow, it was fun. And now i have lots of POT!! D goes to get his ticket and we find out he needed to have gotten it in France and they cant print it here. HE HAS TO BUY ANOTHER TICKET FOR 80 EURO!!! I felt sooooo bad... WE ARE SHITSHOWS!!! But the weekend was still awesome and I am happy to be getting back to Paris. We get in and i get on the metro. It takes forever to come. I am so tired and all i want to do is take a fucking shower, but the metro fucking breaks down. It takes me an hour to get home for a trip that usually takes about 10 to 15.

THOSE 24 HOURS WERE THE MOST FUCKED UP MOMENTS I HAVE HAD THIS YEAR!! well maybe not, but it was a fucking comedy of errors that never ended... But i still am happy i went! It was fun, but now its time to get down to business... I have a lot of work this last month of school... And it wont be easy.

Realizations...

2007-05-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

So thanks to a generous gift from a friend back home, I GOT HIGH THIS WEEK!!! Thats right, i got high. I smoked a joint and was rediculously stoned for a long time. Happiness. Well partially I was freaking out, but most of it was really nice... lol. After not smoking for a long time, i get super paranoid and freaked out, but i tried to keep it calm and just let it go... And it was nice. Tuesday was a holiday in France, so I went on a picnicy kinda thing with D and we smoked and ate and chilled out. Maybe I was just really high, but I kind of realized a few things in this time. We were sitting watching the kids play and people sitting around talking and everything. This is their life. LIke real life. This is where they grew up, this is what they see every day. This is normal. I felt like a total outsider looking in at something I could never really belong too. Not to mention lately that I have been feeling like my French is getting worse and no matter where I go no one understands me and automatically starts talking in English. I feel like such a tourist pretending to be Parisian, and its just weird. I really want to belong, but its just not possible. It was a shitty feeling... I also was super weirded out about being high in Paris. That never really happens, so it was just a new experience... I mean, even being high at home makes things really different. So walking around Paris when I was fucking stoned as fuck was definately a CRAZY TRIP.
That night I went out with my English friend V and we kind of decided to live together this summer! I was kinda drunk and we were having so much fun and it sounded like an amazing idea. I mean, it still does. Shes like my only friend that is staying for the summer and I love her and it will be super cool. Only problem is that I had a meeting to view an apartment today, and IT WAS AMAZING. Its soooo cute in a GREAT area... Its right next to this super cool bar street (like literally less than a block) and the street outside my window has an amazing outdoor market thing twice a week. I would have a french "flat mate" (lol is there anyway to say that in American??) who seemed pretty cool... I think he might be gay and he was super sweet and I liked him well enough after spending like 2 mins with him. I mean, I didnt HATE him, so thats good right? But now I have to find an apartment with V.
Okay thats not like a bad thing, EXCEPT:
-finding 2 bedroom apartments are hard, and considering I am going to want to fuck A a lot, that is a total MUST.
-V is not willing to spend as much money as I am for a place, so it will end up being not as nice and I will probably be spending more to make up for her.
-Living with a french person would help my french sooo much, versus living with V where i would probably NEVER speak french again...
-V is really sweet and perfect, but could I seriously LIVE with her? I am kind of picky when it comes to friends (and by kind of I mean i pretty much dont even like most of my friends... excluding you dear readers of course...)
So we are going to talk it over tomorrow, and by then I will have either grown balls and say I want the apartment or chicken out and look for stuff with her. Also, even if i do say I want the apartment, there are other people also looking at it, and therefore I might not get it either way... SOOOO maybe I should just put my name in the running and see what happens??? Maybe thats the best idea...

In other news... I am going to Amsterdam this weekend! Woo Hoo!!!! Only for the day, but enough time to buy enough pot to last me a while (aka probably most of the summer).

AND... I kind of broke things off with F today. The best news for last, I guess... I do like having him around and being able to talk french to someone, but i decided its just not fair to him and after the weekend with A I decided to be somewhat faithful... I mean, a one night stand here and there is one thing, but litterally having a bf while he is away is kinda fucked up, even for me. I sent him a text (I know I am a chicken but when I talk to him I get mixed up and he confuses me and I dont say what I want...). He texted me twice and called me once so I felt it necessary to not just blow him off... It basically said: I am really sorry but I am afraid we are becoming too serious. After talking with my family I think I need a break to clear my head (total lie about the parents but i feel like that takes the blame off me...). I am going to amsterdam this weekend and I will call you the next weekend. (That is conveniantly the weekend after his birthday... muah hahaha... I am like that asshole bf that dumps his gf right before valentines day to avoid the presents but then gets back together with them the next week. genius.). He wrote back maybe the perfect response: No problem, but know that I am sad because I really like you a lot. Good night. Damn... I mean, if it werent for the lack of a useful dick and a lack of a personality, I would really like him a lot too....

Basically he is just really hot... what a waste of a face...

Deep In It

2007-05-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

After a week of kicking my butt with work, Friday finally rolls around, and I am freaking out. I am so nervous and anxious and stressed that I cant freaking eat. I have my class Thursday morning (its usually Friday) and then go to work early so I can leave early to catch my train at 6:15. I am still really worried about A… Is he going to come for reals? I send him a text: “Reminder! I get into the station at 8! : )” He texts back pretty quickly: “Yeah I cant wait to be there I am studying and I cant do it anymore.” YAY!

I get off work around 4:30 and think that’s enough time to take a shower, print out all the info I need (for the hotel and train), do the last minute packing of make-up and magazines, and get to the train station the recommended 30 min early. Lets just say I was horribly mistaken. I got to the train station about 15 minutes before the train leave and there is a LONG line to get my ticket. When I get my ticket I have about 8 minutes to go through the customs and security and everything… The guy who sold it to me looked at me and said “RUN!” The security checkpoint people were like, you’re not going to make it… I had to beg them and they were like, okay, what’s your name? You’re the last one on… RUN!! I seriously sat down in my seat and the train left 10 seconds later. Thank Fucking God.

I get to London and we find each other. He comes up to me and I go in for the kiss but there is awkward hug action from him. Uh oh… He starts leading me around the station and its kinda awk town at first, but then I kiss him and smile on the escalators and everything is looking up. We get a taxi and his hands are on me and we are laughing and this is perfect. I am kind of scared for the hotel, not knowing if it’s going to be a shit hole or not, but its actually pretty nice… We get to the room and I do my little hotel ritual: Throw my stuff on the ground and jump on the bed… He looks around, looks out the window (there is a pub and a restaurant and a bunch of people), then he comes onto the bed with me. Within about 5 minutes we are all over each other and clothes are coming off. He looks at me, with that mischievous smile of his: “Did you bring condoms?” “OH SHIT, YOU DIDN’T?” His face goes from little kid at Disneyland to little kid at the dentist… “HAHAHAHA Just kidding!” I am a bitch… The first thing I packed was 6 condoms and the lube, plenty for 24 hours… So after some teasing and foreplay he finally gives me what I want and OMG was it good. HOW I HAVE MISSED A NICE HARD COCK. And may I add BIG… : D I am a happy girl. But a few minutes in, the condom breaks. Fuck, but, no worries… 5 to go! The next one works out great and we are both very happy. A little while of talking and cuddling and whatnot, and he is ready to go again, just like always… I am kind of wondering if its such a good idea though, since we want to eat dinner and its getting kind of late, but once he starts fingering me, I forget about everything and just go with it. We are fucking for a LONG time and I am getting kind of tired and sore, and I am kinda drying up too… I just want him to come, and after a while he kind of stops and looks and me and says, “I’m not hard enough anymore…” What?? Does that happen? “Its okay! Just relax with me and lay here…” I’m all smiles but I am kind of worried… Not him too! Why do I have so many problems with this stuff? Why don’t guys ever come with me??? L I have a complex I know, but seriously, its not unjustified that I feel like shit it bed, now is it?

We both start falling asleep but I force us to get up and go out for food. Its already 11 and I have barely eaten all day from my anxiety and stress. We go out to the restaurants by the window and they are all closed… We start walking down the street and nothing is open except this shitty looking French restaurant that says its open till 2. He doesn’t really want to go there, but after looking around there is no other option and we go. Its kinda ridiculous that this is supposed to be French! We both end up getting pasta, at a French restaurant, in London. Hahaha, at least it was a funny experience. He gets a beer and I get a half bottle of wine (even though he ends up drinking half of it… bastard). We talk about nothing and everything and its just sooooo nice. He talks about politics and stuff like that, and I am really happy that earlier in the week I had for once in my life looked at the newspaper and I had tiny clue about whats going on in the world. But guys, talking to him about all this stuff, it really makes me want to like start reading the newspaper and like, I dunno, be a better person… Not just some retard ditzy girl that doesn’t care about anything. And I can honestly say NOBODY I have ever met has made me want to do that before. We also talked about how he is younger than me… So its only 2 years, but its weird. I mentioned that he is the first person I have been with that is younger than me, and that most people I have been with are at least 4 years older (excluding a couple…). He is pretty cool about it though. He skipped a grade in school, and played soccer with kids that were actually the grade above that, so he is kind of used to hanging around kids my age. He also busts out with “Well right now a few years feels like kind of a big gap, but when you are 29 and 27 it means nothing!”

Umm, do you mean to say that you are thinking about us being 29 and 27, together? : D My heart (and my stomach) flips… Another heart skip moment: He says he has his end of the year dance/ball thing, and hes not taking anyone because I wont be there… I like him and hearing stuff like this makes me happy!! I am a dork, but hey I am a girl, gimme a break. We talk about how I hate Bush and how the United States kind of suck, and he talks about how I should just live in Paris. I feel like he seriously thinks I am going to permanently move to Paris, and at that moment, I feel like I seriously want to. We talk about me looking for an apartment over summer and when I kind of comment that it will suck not living across the hall from him, and that he will have to come far to see me, he is totally on top of it. He assures me that he will go anywhere. Can he be any more perfect right now? Well I spoke too soon cuz when the bill comes he doesn’t have enough money. Thank goodness I took out a lot of money when I got to the station. And shit in London is EXPENSIVE! Dinner, which was not very good, comes out to like 30 some odd pounds, which is like $60+ !!!!! whatever, I was happy to give it up.

Actually the only thing that didn’t make me really happy about dinner was how utterly cool/indifferent/nonchalant he is about how we never see each other. He wont be back to paris for a month, and he says it like it’s an hour or something. Then we talk about vacationing over the summer, and he says he might go to Canada with his parents for THREE WEEKS!! I say there is nothing in Canada, and that he should go to Biarritz with me. He says, “I am going there with my parents for a week in June.” Oh. So you will be gone for more than a month during the summer and that doesn’t phase you?? Oh hes also going to Amsterdam and maybe somewhere else with friends… DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT AFTER THIS SUMMER WE MAY NEVER SEE EACHOTHER AGAIN??? YOU MUST SPEND EVERY MINUTE YOU HAVE WITH ME!!! DON’T YOU SEE??!! Okay, so maybe I am over reacting, but seriously. I know he thinks I am moving to Paris forever, but at least not until I graduate from Stanford… I am gonna have to work on this…

ANYWAY… We get back to the hotel and I am really really tired. I get on the bad and am seriously passing out, but he has none of it. We start fucking again and I mean, I am getting kinda sore and like being in all these positions with my inflexible body is making my legs hurt and shit. After a long time, he tells me hes not hard again. L what is going on? I mean, I don’t really want to fuck anymore, but I don’t want him to all of a sudden go soft while he is fucking me… That does not make me feel sexy. Not to mention this whole time we have been fucking with ALL the lights on. I feel really really weird that he can see every little freckle and stretch mark, but I don’t want to be that girl who jumps up and runs around the room turning off every light… Plus, I know guys are visual and they like seeing shit. I have also been really loud and shit. I am always kind of loud, but we are usually at his house with the parents upstairs, so he is shushing me and I have to keep it way down. But now that we are in a hotel, I let loose. (even though the walls are paper thin and I am sure the entire staff and guest population can hear everything… sorry guys!) But A is always really silent… But hasn’t cosmo taught me to not give into my insecurities and fuck with the lights on and be vocal cuz guys think its hot?? Well I have to say FUCK THAT to cosmo!! 2 times going soft in one night people. This is NOT GOOD. This has never really happened before… Once he kind of went soft before he put on the condom, but I gave him a little head and everything worked out in the end. I look at him and say sort of quietly, “did I do something?” He looks and me and smiles and kissing me and says, “no, we just have to wait a little bit.” Umm okay, I guess. I don’t understand the penis AT ALL, so I guess I will just have to believe him?

We end up just going to sleep. And once again, its perfect. I love sleeping with him. Usually I hate sleeping with other people, but with A I can seriously be comfortable in his arms and sleep. This is still his finals week, and the next morning at 11 he has a final review class. Apparently he hasn’t been to any of the classes yet, so he really needs to go. That means he will have to leave around 9:30 to make the train back to his school from London. I am super bummed since check out is at 12, but I am happy to see him at least… His alarm is set for 9:15. Before the alarm goes off though, there is something going on outside our window that’s loud and annoying, and we both are woken up… Its not so bad though, as we start fucking again. Gotta love the cock. Too bad I am all fucked out, and am just not that wet anymore. Gotta love lube. Seriously, not to get on a tangent, but I love lube. Its amazing, and just makes sex so happy! Lets all say yay for lube!!! J This time it’s a success and he comes and all is right in the world. I look at the clock and its only like 7 AM, so we go back to sleep. His alarm goes off, but neither of us get up… The next time I look at the clock its like 9:53 or something. He would have about 7 minutes to get to the train station. I say don’t go, and he looks and me and says okay. YOU ARE PERFECT! We set the alarm for 11:20 and go back to sleep. We wake up a little before it again, and we start fucking, again. We start going for a long time again, and I am worried we are going to have the same problem again. Not exactly… The condom breaks, and it’s the last one. He looks at me all big eyed and cute, and is like, “so you started taking birth control?” (I let it slip earlier…) I am not so sure about it, but he looks so cute and hopeful and I let him go without… And may I just say that sex without a condom rocks. And the look he had on his face tells me he enjoyed it too. He even made some noise! An A first!!! I am kinda freaked out though… We will see how it works out… We take a shower together and then we both go on our ways. ( I have to go to the ATM again, and he takes my change for the underground—he didn’t take out enough money at school, and he doesn’t think his parents would understand withdrawals from London 2 days before exams… HOWEVER, to his credit, he mentioned multiple times that he is going to have to get me something really special in Paris to make up for all the spending I did… I heart presents…) A couple hours later after I meet up with my parents I get a text message (unprompted, mind you): “Really happy to see you, too bad it was that short, but it was an intense night ;).” (I say intense a lot, and being French he liked my arbitrary over-usage of the word…). I read it and immediately got idiot grin on my face.

This whole weekend in London with my parents I have been on the brink of tears. I like him a lot. I got it bad. I don’t know what to do. I probably wont ever see him again after this summer which makes me really want to cry and I don’t know what else. I have been thinking about how I would be able to come back to Paris and if it would be practical to do so, and if I did, would he still be there waiting for me? I am also realizing how much I like him, and how much more I like him than he likes me… I mean, yes hes cute and says all these things and does this stuff, but still… I mean even his texts aren’t really all THAT amazing, you know? I mean, it was an intense night? I have been studying and cant do it anymore? Cant he say, I really miss you or something? Fuck me… I am screwed… Hes not even phased by the prospect of not seeing me for a month… Every time I think about something little we did that night, I get this huge smile and look like a retard. My parents keep asking what the fuck is up, and its been hard making up excuses. Half the time I am smiling, and half the time I am fighting off tears.

I cant wait till June, when A is back and I have an apartment. Until then, I don’t know what I am going to do… Probably sit around and cry and obsess right here… Get excited…

Continuing on (I don’t have regular internet and I am super bored with my parents so I am just writing a word doc… hence the uber long blog… get over it…) I fucking forget to take my birth control that day… I take it like 4 hours late—probably not a good idea considering I just had unprotected sex the day before… Oops. The next day I do the same thing. I AM FUCKED… I am also a pathetic retard loser… I was super bored and annoyed with my parents and last night (Saturday) I texted A: My parents are driving me crazy! Hows the studying going? I miss you… I know, I am sad but I was sad and desperate. Of course, no answer. What can I do with my self?? I am thinking about what to do with F. He has told me about his bday party about a million times, but I think I am going to ditch him for it. But do I want to ditch him forever? I like A sooo much more, but hes never here, and even in the summer he will be gone a lot. Plus, maybe I need something to keep it a little lighter with A… I mean, I am getting really into him, so maybe it’s a good idea to have a distraction. Plus, last time I hung out with F it was kinda nice… I am such a confused little girl… Help me…

Am I Crazy?

2007-05-01T13:44:00.001-07:00

So Saturday I end up going to happy hour bars with a friend and start talking about A. I am over him. Like seriously, he is a KID and I dont know how much I really like him, but no one should ever treat me like this. If he just blows me off, I really will let him go. I really dont think he is going to pull through and if he doesnt have the most awesome excuse of all time, I am dropping it completely. I dont even want to see him. If he comes into my room when we are both in the house I am kicking him out. Its just not worth it.

So I go home and mope around, then get pissed off and decide that this is bullshit. I am going to book a hostel, go out with the people there for the night and forget about A. Boys suck. I start looking online and decide to try him one last time. I call and there is no answer. FUCK YOU!!! I am way cuter than he is and he is lucky to be with me. I have another boy who is older, maturer, and WAY WAY hotter. He might be impotent, but we are working on that... He can drive and has a convertable too... So FUCK YOU!!! I furiously internet surf to find a good hostel.

Beep beep. Text message. Its A. "Hi sorry I am in the library, will call you when I leave." Really?? REALLY?? My heart drops to the basement and I get giddy. I am really pathetic... He calls a couple hours later...
Me-Been studying hard? (you better have been.)
Him-Yes... Well right now I was just watching a film, but I have been studying a lot.
-I have been trying to get a hold of you... (WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!!!)
-Yeah.... I know.... Sorry about that...
-So do you think you will be will still have time to come see me in London? (Why am I such a pussy?? Do I have to be so freaking passive all the time? He should be begging to see me, I shouldnt have to be the little bitch here...)
-Yes! Of course!!
He goes on to actually be kinda cute... I sort of kind of voice how I was getting worried that I was going to have to be in London alone and I was getting worried and he was cute about it, saying he would never leave me alone and stuff... At the same time it was kind of weird on the phone... Awkward and distant kind of weird. But at the same time, this is probably the longest phone conversation we have had, and not to mention the first one that isnt basically "i am coming home now. Be there to fuck me..." But still its weird... So was I freaking out unnecessarily?? A is one of the most chill, laid back people I have ever met. Seriously, I feel like nothing works him up really. On the phone everything was just peachy with him. A quick, laid back sorry, a very sure of course i will see you! Of course! How the fuck am I supposed to know that? I feel very lame for getting so freaked out, but seriously he could have gotten back to me sooner. And after a week with no news and the trip less than a week away, I was sort of justified, right? Anyway, he tells me he will call the next day early afternoon to tell me what a good area to book a hotel would be. I say if I dont hear from him i will just book something myself. But he better call.

7 PM. no call. I am pissed, but whatever. He is just irresponsible... I should know better. I like him for not being a crazy neat, control freak. I just wish he wouldnt be a flake. I book a room. Litterally 20 min later: Beep beep. Its him: I hope its not to late but these are some good places. KISS. I have the worst timing ever. I write back saying I booked something, but will look into the other stuff, but our hotel has roomservice and I was kind of looking forward to breakfast in bed. I am lame, i know, but i also mention that I wish he was here because it just started thunderstorming and it was scary... And for the record, it was scary!!! The whole freaking house was shaking. He wrote back that room service was good and that he wishes he could be here to hold me (a few hours later, but at least it was something). I dunno, this all sounds so sappy I even want to puke. But it made me happy... i am a sucker... Is this BS?? Am I crazy for just letting him off the hook so easy? Or was I crazy for getting so worked up??

But the real thing making me think I am crazy is from today. I went out with F and his friends in the city. I invited him to meet my friends (basically to show him to people to prove he is real), but our timing sucked, so we ended up just getting a quick coffee together, then it was just me and his two friends. But, you guys, walking around the city and holding his hand and going to a cafe and sitting together and shit was really nice. I actually enjoyed it. I mean, I am sure it was just the feeling of having a boyfriend. But I told him I couldnt go home with him because I had a lot of work (only a half lie... i do have work, i am just choosing not to do it...), and I was legit kind of pissed. I really wanted to hang out with him more. AM I FUCKING INSANE??? I dont know. Well I am not breaking it off with him pretty much until the summer when A's back. But even then I might stick around with him... Just for the fun of it?

I am officially fucking crazy. Sitting alone in Paris will fuck you up. Dont do it.

Nothing Goes Well... Even When Things Look Up

2007-04-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

So Friday rolls around and still have heard nothing from A. I called him on his cell and left a message, but something tells me I am not going to see him in London. If I dont see him, and he doesnt have an AWESOME excuse, I am pretty much going to be done with him. Thats so not cool to ditch me like this. I am going to have to get a hotel by myself in London and they are NOT CHEAP. Like its probably going to cost me $200 for this one night and it totally and completely could have been avoided. I seriously want to cry because now I have to figure out all this London shit on my own... And go there by myself and just sit in my hotel room by myself... A is going to be in the shithouse. What am I going to do when he comes back? I mean, hes going to come into my room late at night and want to hook up, I am sure. And I am going to have to deny him... I am not good at that, but seriously I cannot hook up with him again after this... Its just not cool.

I had a date with F last night. We went out to a restaurant in Paris with a bunch of his friends. I was really tired from a stressful week and was totally not looking forward to having to do this, especially all in French. But whatever, I needed to get out of the house and to stop thinking about A, and I had already ditched F once that week, so it was time to suck it up. First off F bought a new car!! Its a blue convertable... I have to admit its pretty nice... And right now its soooo hot in Paris and having the top down was so nice and fun! Yay, good start. We followed his friends to the restaurant and in the car we barely talked. Hes all like, are you tired? Are you okay? And yeah I was tired, but I was fine, Its just we have nothing to talk about. And when I do talk, its kind of about nothing and I am pretty sure he doesnt listen to me... Like he cuts me off mid-sentence to say something totally unrelated and useless... For example I was talking about work and how it was hard and they gave me all this work and I didnt think I would be able to finish it on time and whatnot, and he goes "This is where we saw that movie!" Umm yes. It is... I am not fucking blind... Then he goes on being silent. Umm okay. Anyway, we get to the restaurant and we all sit down and what not. Its actually not that bad! Actually, considering how starved for company I have been, it was pretty fun. His friends are funny and sweet, and when F is around them he actually speaks and stuff. I didnt understand everything that was going on, but one of his friends speaks English really well, so she was kinda translating when I really didnt understand. They were all kind of talking to me in like broken english and laughing and it was cool. But then they all went off to get ice cream and, as usual, F was really tired. Apparently he went out the night before (he didnt drink of course) and he didnt get much sleep. Whatever, I was really tired too. We get in the car and I am sick of trying to make conversation, so I just wait for him to say something. And nothing... Awesome. It was nice being in the car with the top down though. We were passing a bunch of monuments and stuff and it was really gorgeous. Like we passed right next to the Eiffel Tower and it was so nice all lit up and stuff... I really love Paris even if I am having a shitty time right now...
So after a pretty much silent car ride (except for the 'so you are tired?' and 'are you okays'), we get to his house and I almost pass out on the bed in all my clothes. Of course, that totally doesnt fly with F and I must brush my teeth and change into pjs. (side note, when brushing my teeth he opens his cabinet and everything is like freakishly lined up straight. The box thing he keeps his toothbrush in is a little crooked, and he looks at if for a second then lines it up. I kind of freak out in my head and wanting to see how OCD he really is I kind of playfully laugh and push it out of line again. He looks at me for a second. Shit he is going to kill me and chop me up into a million little pieces and keep me all ligned up in his freezer or something. No, he just laughs and closes the cabinet. Phew, not crazy OCD to the point of insanity, but i would say pretty close...) He does his 10 min teeth brushing, 4 part face wash thing... Oh boy. I am like falling asleep so I dont really care. After his sob story about being tired i was pretty sure we were just going to sleep.

Wrong... He starts playing witih my boobs and whatever... I am kind of not into it, but you know going through the motions. Then all of a sudden he gets up and takes off all his clothes and opens the drawer next to him and takes out a condom... Wait what? Really? Seriously?? Now??? umm okay, cool... He alternates between deepthroating my tit and trying to open the condom. Finally he gets it open but he cant figure out which side is up. He gets up and turns on the light and I see he has a hard on!! YAY!! ITS NOT BROKEN!!! WOO HOO!! He gets back on the bed, and starts with the boob again. He is like trying to put the condom on, but I think he really need to be like sucking on me to be hard and doing that and putting the condom on at the same time is not easy. I think he has major mommy issues and was like breast fed too long or not enough or something... This is weird. Anyway, he finally gets the condom on... YAY HERE WE GO!!! Or not... He like is trying to put it in me, but something is wrong. I cant really tell whats going on, but hes like, not hard or cant find the hole, or something. He is all trying to put it in, but then stops and sucks my tit, then tries again. Finally it just does not work and he pretty much stops trying. He goes on with the boobs but thats all. Then I kind of stop him and just lay next to him. My life sucks.

"I really want you. I want you." Right buddy... whatever. "I am not arriving because I am stressed blah blah." "its okay, dont worry about it." "Its weird I really want you but its not working." WHAT THE FUCK SHOULD I SAY HERE??? "Is this your first experience sexuality?" Umm no buddy, and thank fucking god its not. I would have become a nun. "no, i have had other boyfriends. dont worry its okay, we are tired lets sleep." He said some other stuff, but i dont really remember. I finally thought it was going to happen, and I get left with nothing. Great.

I am just about falling asleep, drifting off, when F starts rubbing my back and my boobs again. I try to pretend I am asleep, but he legit hits a good spot for once in my life and I inhale sharply and the shams up. He like spends so much time on my boobs then will slowly go down for like a second and slip like A finger in me, but then like stop and continue with the boobs. At first I think he is like teasing me and just trying to make me hotter, and if that were the case it would totally be working, but there is never any payoff. He just stays with the boobs the entire time. He grabs another condom, and this time is a little better and the whole opening it and putting it on. Here we go again... And I am fucking asleep practically. We have great timing. So he tries to put it in again, but its kind of the same problem. Hes just not that hard. I mean, even when he is hard, its just not that hard... So finally I realize that he like has finally put it in. Umm Lets just say it took me a while to figure that out... In a bad way. Like, i thought it was like still outside my body. But it was fully in. Small does not begin to cover it. Then he starts jerking away... It looks like he is having like a siezure or something. He is doing like small little shakey movements. Seriously if he does anything else it would probably come out. And its like not that hard so have the time he is holding it with his hands. I am like trying to be enthusiastic and shit, but I am really tired and can barely feel anything. Umm NOT COOL. He flips me over and we go at it in the spooning position for a while. The whole, I dont fuck, I only make love phrase sprung into my head. Yeah buddy, its not that you dont want to fuck, its that you cant. Therefore you "make love" which is more like holding me and cuddling... NOT WHAT I WANT!!! I finally think hes about to come and he pulls out and I realize he is jacking off. Umm WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR DEAL?? He is so small and soft my pussy is probably not tight enough for him to get any stimulation. No pussy is tight enough. He would need something about the width of a quarter to fucking be able to come. Sick. So i guess he comes, I am not even sure, and then he gets out of the bed and runs to the bathroom. Great. He is gone for like 10 minutes. Probably disinfecting himself. Or counting the sperm and putting them all in a row or something OCD... He comes back into the room finally and I ask if everything okay... Yup of course! (right this is normal! didnt I know! He was probably wishing i was a virgin so I wouldnt fucking realize how fucked up all this is). Whatever. I am tired. I go to sleep.

Next morning hes asking when we can see eachother again. I am really busy and I am going to London, so I dont know... "you do want to see me again, right?" No. Not at all. Your friends are kind of cool though... Give them my number, would you?? "Yes of course, I just dont know when I can... I will call you." FUCK FUCK FUCK. What do I do? I am not just dumping him for the sex thing... He cant fucking make a conversation either. But I cant dump him, hes just so sad and pathetic... WHAT DO I DO??

This is a bad week for Paris. I just want to go home. The A thing is stressing me out so much and making me want to cry. The F situation is annoying and makes me feel like a bitch. I have no fucking friends here... I am getting really really lonely. I wanted to go to lunch with someone today and there is literally nobody to call. I cant just sit in my room and write this fucking blog anymore!! I am going crazy. I need to figure something out and fast. I have another 4 and a half months here. Thats a long time to be in solitary confinement. A very long time.

Getting Kind of Pissed

2007-04-26T12:34:00.000-07:00

So there has been no word from A. I emailed him twice a week ago yesterday (last wednesday). I replied to a non-trip-related text telling him to check his email on Thursday. Then yesterday (wednesday again) I texted him asking if he could find a hotel, if we were even staying in a hotel, or if I should find the hotel. I even asked about an area in London, asking if it was a good area and if I should just book a place there. No response. WHAT DO I DO??? I dont want to be all naggy and annoying, but seriously, I need to know where I am going to sleep.
I am pissed. I am going to have to book a hotel last minute, and it wont be cheap. I am going to end up just going to London a night early to sleep by my fucking self. SO NOT COOL. I am pissed, because he specifically told me that he wouldnt abandon me in London and that he wouldnt let me stay in a shitty place like last time I went to London. UMM LIER!!! I dont want to jump the gun, but its getting real close to crunch time. I leave next thursday for fucks sake. I am so stressed out.
I ditched F all this week but I am finally seeing him tomorrow. Kinda worried about how its going to go. I hope it goes well... But somehow I want to make things less serious with him, and if it goes well I dont see that happening. I havent seen him in almost 2 weeks, and he hasnt really called me or anything, so maybe he got the picture and we can just be fuck buddies? Except I dont know how that will work without the fucking.... So I guess when I say I hope things go well I mean I hope things go up. Specifically one thing to go up... Get hard... And go in me... I have low expectations...

So I dont know if I am making this up or if its real, but I feel like the birth control is fucking me up... Ever since I started taking it all I want to do is
A) Eat
B) Eat dessert
C) Be a bitch and
D) Be pissy
Is this normal?? Also, my face is breaking out. I am all fat and gross too. Basically BC makes me disgusting.... Dont you want to have sex with me now?? Maybe A felt it coming and ran for the hills... Fucker. Would it be really bad if I texted him over and over? (this is not a rhetorical question... Please tell me what to do. Meanwhile I am going to go put something in my mouth... as in food)

How am I so blind? And so confused?

2007-04-23T13:53:00.000-07:00

So I didn't end up seeing F that night, but it didn't exactly happen they way I expected. I texted him when I was at work, saying I had a lot of work, and that I wasnt sure if I was going to be able to make it. I said I would call him later on. No response, which is fine. I mean, I was gonna call him. So I get home and just want to relax... I almost forget to call him, but I finally do. His phone is off... Okay... I leave a message. I am going to the Loire Valley for the weekend, so I say I will call him when I get back. I am kind of relieved that I dont have to talk to him, but at the same time I am kind of pissed. What if I was planning on going to his house? How would I get a hold of him? Where was he? Oh the classic me move: I dont like you, but you better fucking like me. A lot.
Anyway, was telling new roommate about his weird tendencies. Actually all I said was how he stops in the middle of hooking up to wash his hands. And she came back with the most brilliant response that makes so much sense. "Oh, so he is OCD." SHE IS A FUCKING GENIUS! The hand washing, the arranging of food, the folding of clothes, the hour long teeth brushing, the facewash routine, the badgering about brushing my teeth and taking a shower.... How did i not see this before?? Liking puzzles and oragami?? Uh hello... COULD IT BE MORE OBVIOUS??? Well at least I know whats going on now. I dont know if this realization makes it better or worse... Hmmm...
The Loire Valley was absolutely amazing. We visited the castles and all that good stuff and I am in love. But it was also nice to come back to Paris. I feel like I really live here. This is HOME. I am so fucking scared of leaving. I definately consider this more my home than school. I still like LA, but I dont want to live near my mother. And I just really love Paris. Fuck I dont want to think about it.
So I got back and my phone was dead. When I charged it I had a message from F. He sounded really pathetic and sad and was like, umm do you want to come over this week? Call me... Please... Fuck. No I dont want to come over but I cant be mean to you... So I called him back. I tried not to make definate plans. He wants me to sleep over, and I said maybe maybe Thursday night, but I said I have a lot of work and it might not work out. I said I would call him and we could try getting dinner or drinks in the city or something. He got all excited and was like, yes of course!! And he said he was sad he hasnt seen me. I said I had a lot of work this week but that maybe I could take my computer to his house and work there. He got all worked up and was like, YES YES YES. Ew, desperation is so not attractive. What the fuck do I do about this?? I feel so bad for leading him on, I feel like I cant just drop it now. Ugh.
I miss A. He left me some pot for my bday, and I texted him asking where he put it. He wrote back where it was and said he was very lonely in his bed all alone in england. : ( My bed is lonely here too. At the time I thought it was so sweet but now I am freaking out about this whole thing. I bought the ticket to go to London early to see him. But I feel like it was a bad idea. I emailed him asking for him to find us a hotel, but he is so irresponsible i feel like its not going to happen. Is this for real? I feel like he is going to forget about me and I am going to end up at Waterloo Station by myself for the night.
I am doubting this whole "relationship," if I can even call it that (I cant). I am just an easy fuck for him. He comes home late at night, wakes me up, fucks me, then goes across the hall three steps and falls asleep. I am just what he does on his way to bed; hes not even committed enough to come home all the time. If he isnt convenienced to come home, he wont, and therefore I am left alone. I mean, yeah he is sweet and nice and everything... But how much is all that just bullshit? He doesnt even write me, I miss you... Not cant wait to see you... But my BED is lonely. He just wants to fuck. And granted, thats what I always say to him... That my bed is going to be lonely and that without him I am going to be cold at night etc... But thats because I dont want to seem like a clingy, totally obsessed freak. I want him to take the lead and say that... Hes only said I miss you once in an email, and I think I said it like ten times before him. And honestly, I dont even know what I am feeling. We really dont spend enough time together for me to know if I really like him like him. In the great words of a friend, do I really like him? Or is it just a physical thing that I have gotten really used too? I dont know. I mean, its probably the second one, but if I am attached to him, doesnt that mean I like him? I dont know. Not to mention that F was supposed to be a distraction but just made A seem so much better. Both physically and mentally. I am so scared to go to London... We are going to be alone, and not have to like hide from his parents. How is being in public going to work when we can do PDA? We went out together a lot at first, but that was before we were hooking up. I am going to be super super awkward. I can already feel it. FUCK FUCK FUCK. The longer we are apart the more I just sit and analyze every detail, the more I turn into an obsessive freak.
I need to forget him. Just take it as an occasional fuck and thats all. I think thats all he sees in me. And even if we could fall madly in love there is no point. I am leaving in September and thats most likely the end. I want to come back to Paris, no question. But it wont be for him. And I will probably never see him again.
I want to cry.

My Birthday

2007-04-18T12:36:00.000-07:00

So i just realized that the dates on this blog correspond to when i start writing, not when i post the blog, so it doesnt really make sense sometimes. like last blog says i posted on my birthday, but i actually posted it yesterday (teusday). I dont know what to do about it, so get over it.

Okay! So I wake up after being fucked all night WITH good conversation AND an actual emotional connection. Its my birthday!!! The night before A and I were trying to figure out if 12 AM meant midnight or noon to set my alarm. whatever we chose was the wrong one, but i still woke up on time (just a little later) and felt GOOD. I took a really long hot yummy shower and got dressed and openned my window to get a breeze from the amazing day. I get a text from F saying Happy Birthday, see you thursday. (Did i mention he forced me to make plans with him like 30 seconds after we met up last time? blech) A little later i get a message from A... He cant make it to go out with us, but he will see me later that night. No worries, I say, make it up to me tonight ;). I go to work and its pretty much the same old thing. I dont tell them its my birthday... I am really bad at that--i just dont know what to do... Like, hi, how are you? Its my birthday! whatever. I am supposed to meet up with Ar and Ir and D. I told them i was going to eat dinner with my host family, but i was kind of changing my mind, wanting to actually do something nice for my bday. When i got off work i called them, but no answers. I left messages saying i wanna go to dinner, and give me a call. I decide to go shopping to treat myself for my bday. Its fucking the hottest day so far in paris and somewhere between h&m and zara i seriously feel like i am going to die. Actually it starts in h&m, but i am waiting in a line that is like a million people long to try stuff on and i decide to wait it out. Then zara is just next door, and there is no place to buy anything right there, so i just go in. I get a call from S, which is amazing to talk to her again and its my only birthday call of the day so i am super happy. I love you!!! Nobody is answering their phones, and its pretty late, so i just go home. I get a bottle of water in the metro and seriously chug it in zero time and am still extremely thirsty. I always get myself super dehydrated and by the time i do anything about it its like too late to fix quickly. anyway, i get back home and my host parents and roommate are already eating... oops. they all yell HAPPY BIRTHDAY and my host dad starts singing. They are so cute, i love them. we eat (a lot) and host dad whips out a NICE bottle of wine for me and its just HAPPY. After we are done its kinda late. I have a missed call from Ar and Ir. They are both really sick. They wont ditch me, but i am def the only one gonna be drinking. Great. We go get ice cream first, because i obviously havent eaten enough yet. I call D and he says he will meet us at the bar. we go to the piano vache, one of my fave little dive bars in paris. They usually play punk rock music (like yeah yeah yeahs, le tigre type stuff), but tonight they have this weird blue grassy band playing live, and the bar is full of old men. Yippee. I get a pint of beer and Ar orders me a long island. I drink them plus 2 more pints. we all decide to leave kind of early, as its not a bumpin night. I am drunk when we leave, but nowhere near 21st bday wasted.
When i step out, i look at my phone. A message from A. Sorry, i am not coming home tonight. UMMM WHAT THE FUCK??? i drunkenly text back NOOOO its my birthday come home. He calls me and i am drunkenly babbling at him that he must go home. He is saying something about going to school the next day, but i dont listen and then start saying i am going to punch him in the face. (because that always works). Now i drunkenly yell down the street how much my life sucks and how pissed i am and what a dick he is. Oh so much fun for all the sober people i am with. We all start walking home and i dont stop bitching. But seriously he plays me so hot and cold all the time its rediculous. and its my birthday and he promised. I part ways from everyone to walk home, and start texting A. I dont know what it was exactly, but basically pissed/sad begging... HOTT. Hes not coming. I get home and am kinda sober after the 20 min walk. i peel off all my clothes and hope that A will somehow get home and surprise me.
Who wants to guess if he does? NOPE. :(
The next morning i wake up and get water, then go back to sleep. I wake up by someone taking a shower. Its A, but he hasnt come into my room yet. He comes in finally all wet from the shower and gives me his little puppy dog face and apologizes and explains. aparently he had a job interview for next year early that morning right next to his friends house who he went to a concert with... whatever. I mean, i guess thats a good excuse, and if he came home he would have had to wake up super early without much sleep and it would have been bad, but seriously he probably just smoked himself stupid instead. not cool. I want him to lay in bed with me, but then he informs me that he has to meet his mom for lunch. fucking perfect. to his credit he really doesnt want to go and was seriously going to ditch her, but i made hime go. She probably already hates that i am fucking him while she sleeps, but if he fucks me while they are supposed to be eating lunch she might poison my dinners. So he leaves, but her lunch break is only until 1:30 and i dont have to leave for work until 2:15. she works about 15 min away... I tell him to run home.
To his credit, he got back at like 1:40. Awesome. I am doing my make up, and am like, sorry its too late! he is having none of it. I cant decide, and, like my usual fucking indesicive self take more time deciding whether to do it or not that it would take to do it. He puts his hand down my pjs and i am convinced. But none of this marathon shit. It was a very very quick fuck. Like we were done before 2. like 5 before 2. But whatever. It was satifying and then i got to sit in bed and make out and cuddle after for a while. all is good. I was also online, trying to work out shit about seeing my parents in london. I told A about it before, and at first his reaction was really good. He gave me this cute little mischevious smile, and says, so when are we meeting up. Perfect, right??? Yeah, then i tell him the dates and aparently its his finals week, and he has 2 finals a week apart, so he wont have time. umm all i am asking for is one night... Anyway, i try again and tell him the dates... It cant hurt...
Nope it cant and the dates actually work out! he tells me to come the day before the parents do. :) YAY. I am soooo excited. he rolls a spliff and we smoke. He tells me he will see me that night, then i sprint to work. i buy my tickets the second i get there. I am so excited. But then i start thinking about it. Umm i really like him. and i have no idea what he thinks about me. he ditches me on my bday and never hangs out with me outside of my bed. he is always saying cute stuff and we have good talks and its just so easy with him. but what do i have it to compare it to? i am always by myself or with F and thats like fucking pulling teeth. Yeah A speaks english, so its easy. duh. yeah we have a better connection than 98% of people that live here, but HE SPEAKS ENGLISH. Ugh i dont know. I DONT KNOW. why did this happen? i wish we never started this. okay no thats not true it makes me happy, but also really sad. Even if it is all perfect, i am leaving at the end of the summer. Will i ever see him again? like is this worth it? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING???
These are all the thoughts keeping me from sleeping that night. And where is A?? he knew i would be home around 12. 1 rolls around and i know i shouldnt be waiting for him, but i am. i know i should just fall asleep and he will wake me up when he gets back, but i cant. I cant stop thinking about all this shit. Somehow i finally fall asleep, and i wake up when he comes home. He comes into my room and like passes out practically in my bed. He manages to ask me about my day and night, and make a little conversation. I ask him what he did (smoke and play video games, but he smells like alcohol too...). He is literally falling asleep and i am gonna get no ass. Its actually kind of okay, cuz i am really tired too. I take off his shirt and pants and pull him under the covers with me. He is seriously falling asleep. He finally gets around to fingering me and making out after a little coaxing. but he just gets right to the point, and after not too much foreplay he grabs the condoms. He lasts pretty long though and does some good moves here and there, so i am happy. But after he comes he is like dead. I am trying to get him to stay awake but its SO NOT HAPPENING. he is dead asleep and i try to get him to go back to his bed but there is no way its not going to work. He is supposed to eat breakfast with his fam at like 7:30 (he leaves that day at like 12 or something) so i set my alarm for 6:40 (he tells me to set it for like 7, but i am more paranoid than that). I am still trying to get him to leave, but somehow i fall asleep.
I wake up and its bright outside. Its fucking 9:30 and his mom is walking around the house. A starts freaking out. His door is open, and obviously hes not in there. if he leaves my room, they will obviously know. I mean, they already obviously know. I start freaking out. they are going to walk in on us and we are fucking naked on top of eachother. My stomach seriously drops down to my toes and i start crying. i seriously dont know what to do. A reaches to the closet behind us and starts pulling out stuffed animals. I am yelling at him, telling him to put on his clothes and we can pretend that we were watching a movie and he fell asleep in here. Thats so not going to work. Hes not listening, and pulls out a fox toy and starts curling up to it. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??? I AM SO DEAD. they are going to kick my out of their house. stanford is going to kill me, and i am so fucked there is nothing i can do.
Then i REALLY wake up. That was a dream i was having. hahaha. But you guys it was soooooo real. i woke up crying and panicking and i wake up A and like im like, WHAT TIME IS IT? YOUR MOM KNOWS!! I AM SO FUCKED. WHAT DO WE DO? DOES SHE KNOW? He is fucking confused as fuck and is like, what? and starts rubs my back then falls back asleep in like 30 secs.
We wake up to my alarm, he gets out, then his parents wake up like 15 min later (well their alarm goes off, hopefully they werent awake...). I go back to sleep, he eats breakfast, then, when his parents leave, gets back in bed with me. we sleep for like an hour, but then i have to get up for my early day of work. This is seriously the first time he has EVER had an afternoon train out of paris and the ONLY day i have to go into work early. GO ME!! i take a quick body shower (side note, the only shitty thing about it being so hot is that sex is kind of gross. I get SOOO sweaty!! like seriously that night i was disgusted by myself. the sheets are seriously soaked through and i am slick. Its nasty.) and then get back into bed with him for like 30 secs before i have to leave. I am whining about how i dont want to go to work, how i dont want him to leave, how i am sad, blah blah blah. He just looks at me, and says, dont worry i will be back in June. UMM FUCKING JUNE!!!!!!! is that supposed to make me feel better??? A) thats in 2 fucking months and B) i am visiting him in london in may and he already forgot. Great forshadowing A... really reassuring. Anyway, he kisses me and is cute, also he doesnt say, i am sad to, or i will miss you, or anything like that. he does say he wishes he could stay, but when i say he hasnt been here long enough, he comes back with, 'i was here for a long time, you were at home.' WELL FUCK YOU. :(. I text him when i get to work, just saying i would email him the london info, dont forget me, and i ask when he leaves paris. No response. Fuck boys.

I am supposed to meet F tomorrow night. I think i am going to ditch him. I go on a planned school trip this weekend, then next weekend i think is the one i go to london, so i wont see him for a while. I want to go out with people though, not sit in his apartment and stare and the walls while he makes out with my boobs for 8 hours. one of my fave bars has student night tomorrow and i just want to go with other students and actually get to know them. plus i have to pack. We'll see. If i dont go, and i ditch him last minute, will that make me a total bitch whore?

yes. : ( what can i do?

Return of A

2007-04-16T04:55:00.000-07:00

A came home sunday night!!! YAY!!! Since he came back with his parents, there wasnt much we could do right away. But practically the second they went upstairs to their room, A was in my room and we were watching the L Word. lol... I sat on the other side of the bed and made no moves for a while, just in case they decided to come down though. I really need to move out. This is too stressful. I mean, i am sure they know now, after him like coming straight into my room and closing the door to "watch tv"... They arent stupid.
Anyway, A brought some pot back from the alps and he rolled a spliff and smoked it promptly. I took a couple hits but my stomach was acting up and i didnt want to have major cotton mouth and i didnt want to become a bumbling idiot, so i kind of stopped after a slight buzz. We talked a lot about pot, how i used to be a fucking major stoner, how he smokes a lot, bongs, pipes, etc... Talking to him is soooo easy and fun and i love it. It makes me realize how the thing with F is nothing real. So after a couple episodes, we stop watching but i am sure he is fucking high and i am buzzed so we just talk on my bed. He has to wake up super early the next morning, so i dont know if he wants to just like pass out or what... I mean, doesnt pot make guys less horny or something?
Nope... He starts fingering my jeans while i am telling a story. But its like really slow and we keep talking for a while, but its good. he finally goes underneath my clothes and its amazing. I dont know why i have been so freaking horny, but seriously i was soooo wet. i think i soaked through my jeans. He is fingering me for a long ass time and its really really amazing. :) yay. finally we start taking off clothes and lights go off and things start to get serious. i got to use the new condoms! woo hooo!!!
So its not that pot makes you not horny, it makes you not able to come. at least i think thats it, and with A that was kinda apparent. He always lasts forever and I think he keeps going even after he is done, which is cool, but sometimes after a while i am just like, okay, lets stop. I think he was also super paranoid too. I mean, we always are, but this time it was a little over board. My bed is SUPER loud, like seriously i wake myself up at night sometimes when i roll over in my sleep. So we are like fucking, trying to make zero noise, which basically just becomes him like laying on me kind of barely moving. Also, apparently i am really loud in bed. I guess i am just uninhibited, but he is always shushing me and stuff. its actually kind of funny... if i start making a lot of noise he will like start making out with me so i shut up. occasionnally i get muffled by a pillow... good times. Anyway he finally comes and after not a very long period of time he starts fingering me again. i am tired and a bit sore, but what the hell, i go for it. At one point i get on top and start getting really carried away. he starts saying something, but i am not paying attention and i go at it for a while, and then he kind of stops me when i am getting really into it. he is like making some noise, and i thought it meant he was into it, but then it seemed more like i was hurting him. was i like grinding in the wrong direction or something?? did i break him? he says i was just being really loud and the bed was being really loud too. oh oops. he starts fingering me a little again, and i just cant take any more. Sorry buddy. i start falling asleep and he does too, even though we really shouldnt. I keep telling him to stay awake but its not working. then i realize he still has a huge hard on. not wanting to blue balls him, and figuring out how to make sure he will still be awake.
-how am i going to wake you up?
-no response/light snoring
-you are not allowed to fall asleep (i start kissing his neck and chest)
-slight groan, but no serious response.
-how are you even sleeping with that? (i start kissing his stomach and work my way down)
-that might keep me awake (now his hands are slowly rubbing my back and stuff... yay! i win)
so i am giving him head and he is seriously SO QUIET. like quiet but more like non-responsive. at one point i got up and was like, umm are you asleep? i seriously thought he fell asleep while getting head. he said no and told me to continue. okie... He came in my mouth and caught me off guard... dick. he apologized though, so i guess its not that bad. its just soo weird how quiet he is. he is always like this. i even got him to jack off for me once (i was on my period and my jaw was locked shut, so i told him to cum on my stomach. good solution cuz he was totally psyched) and even then like no sound. like not even a lot of breathing... I cant tell if its just cuz we need to be quiet for the fam, or like if hes just like that. considering he has had people living in his house forever and his parents room is lofted without a door, he probably just always had to be quiet and now is just used to it or something. thats just the way he fucks. its annoying though cuz i can never figure out if he came or not... oh well
After like 2 min hes like, okay i have to go to bed. I know he has to go to his room, i know that if he stays we will both fall asleep, but cant we cuddle for like a little bit? he always does that. we fuck once, then we cuddle for a long time and then fuck again, and then he like jumps out the bed to his own room. its fucking annoying. that happens 3/4 of the time. the other times he holds me and we both end up falling asleep and i kinda wake up and have to like forcefully kick him out. I dont know which is worse.
Anyway, before he left i invited him to hang out with me for my birthday the next day. he didnt know if he could, he had to see a friend. i was like, dont worry about it, just be here at night. he said of course. i mean, it was his last night in paris and he should see his friends. i dotn want to hog him, or be clingy... well i do want to but i will refrain.
Whatever i was still happy! i finally got fucked! by someone i actually like!! and the next morning was my birthday!! i was going to be 21 and everything was going to be amazing!

(if you know anything about my shitty luck, you know that that last statement was going to be completely wrong by the end of the next day. I am not a pessimist, i am a realist. my life just sucks that much... will explain soon, promise)

The F Revelation

2007-04-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

So Friday rolls around and its time for another sleepover date with F! That morning I have my first French class and my internship in the afternoon. I grabbed my first crepe since being back at the awesome crepe stand by school and instantly remembered why I love Paris. My stomach, on the other hand hates it here. I know this is gross guys, but I seriously haven’t pooped solid in like a week. I feel like absolute shit every time I eat something. Like EVERYTHING I eat makes me want to throw up. I am dying and I don’t know whats wrong. YAY!

Anyway, after I got off work I come home and all I wanted to do was sit and relax. So I watched an L Word and laid in bed. Then I realized I was going to be super late to meet F, and he told me to bring a bunch of stuff to leave there, like my toothbrush, pjs, facewash, etc, so I frantically ran around my room shoving stuff in my purse. I looked like crap and didn’t have time to change or anything, but oh well, this will make him love me less, right? Lol… yay. So I run to the metro and text him that I am going to be late and I realize that I forgot the condoms AGAIN! Its okay, because hes bound to have bought some by now, right? He was the one saying that on Friday we would be getting it on, so yeah he should have some that work this time. RIGHT?? Right…

So I get there and F looks kinda like shit. He is all disheveled, his hairs not done, his clothes aren’t the best, and just not good. He says hes really tired and hes been cleaning his house all day. Great… In the car he asks if I want dinner, and I say no. Thanks, but I don’t want my stomach to go ballistic while we are getting it on… So we get to his house and we start watching TV. He says he is going to cook dinner soon, then starts making out with me. My shirt comes off and on starts the boob play. Like seriously he goes on forever, and does nothing else. Like no touching anything but the boobs for probably like 30 min at a time. I mean its good, but I am not that much of a boob person and I kind of need more. He is obsessed though, so I let him go at it. Licking, tongue flicking, rubbing, pinching, sucking (like seriously practically deep throating my boob), etc. Then he stops and says he gonna go make food. And he throws out, so you’re a serious girl, right? You don’t have other boyfriends? You are serious in the US too, right? I tried to play it all coy and be like, no I am not serious! I am always laughing and joking, and I like to have fun! And hes like, no but you don’t have more boyfriends right? I tried to use sarcasm and be like, oh no I have soooo many. Of course your not the only one! I have you and this other one, and this other one… He didn’t get it at all and I was finally I was just like, no you are the only one, I don’t see other people. I AM A BITCH… But also, I was like, we shouldn’t be too serious. We have fun and we should think about the now, but this is not love. Then he goes, that’s what you said, not me. Umm excuse me? Noooooo you were the one who said you loved me! Anyway, I was like yeah well no love. And he was like, that’s life—you will see… umm sure buddy. He goes on about making sure I am not seeing anyone else for a while and I try to play it coy but it doesn’t translate well so I just say yeah. Whatever…he cooks and eats while I watch tv/walk around without my shirt on. We have like nothing to talk about anymore, and its kind of silent. Except for every now and then he looks at me and will say something like you’re beautiful, you love when I lick you, I love to put my fingers in your pussy, etc. Umm not exactly dinner table conversation. After he eats he changes into his pjs and starts the hour long routine of getting ready before bed. I just sit there and laugh at him. Seriously, brushing his teeth took like at least 8 min. I was watching tv and like 4 separate scenes passed and he wasn’t done yet. Its ridiculous. He was like, change into your pjs! And I am like, no that’s okay. Guess what he did? Asked me like million times until I gave it. The thing is that I forgot the boxers, so I just changed into underwear and a tank top. He seemed to like that, and we started going at it again. Then he suggested to move to the bedroom. Yes please!

So we start hooking up, pretty much the same thing as last time. He even gets up just like last time and opens the window and washes his hands again. I get on top of him and start grinding on him. This time I get right into it and I am like, do you have condoms? And he goes yes and rolls over and rummages through a drawer and says, I have two! Yippee! So I peal off his underwear and start grinding on top of him. Nothing really happens. We kind of roll around and then I slam my head into the headboard. Real sexy. We kind of stop and then hes like, yeah I am really tired and I try to start like kissing him and wrapping my legs around him and stuff but its like not happening. I realize then that I think I know what the problem is. I don’t think he can get it up. Umm FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!! Hes like, I am tired, blah blah blah. Don’t worry I will get excited in the night. Umm WHAT??? What the fuck does that mean? Like he will get a random hard on in the night and wake me up? Umm right great perfect.

So we go to sleep. Or he goes to sleep and I stay there wide awake listening to the rest of the world being awake. Namely the old couple downstairs. And the little kids across the street. Because it was probably like 11 pm. I am like tossing and turning all over the place and I keep waking him up. Oops… yeah then my stomach starts growling. And it doesn’t stop. ALL NIGHT LONG. Like loud LOUD growling. I guess I am hungry from not eating since 1 that afternoon. Fuck. Lets just say its not a restful night. In the morning he gets up and starts putting on his clothes. He informs me that its actually 12 but I pull him back into bed. We start fooling around again… actually he just goes at my boobs for a long ass time. He fingers me for like 5 seconds but mostly just boobs. Then hes like, umm I have to meet my friends. Great awesome. I get up on top of him and start grinding but nothings happening. Umm yeah so much for I will get excited in the night. Not night, not morning. He comments on how wet I am, then leaves the bed. FUCK YOU.

He is going to buy a new kitchen table with his friends, and so hes like, they are gonna come pick us up. Umm excuse me? I am supposed to meet your friends NOW? So I look like crap, no make up, and I obviously am a whore who just stayed the night fucking you all night long. Well actually, if they are his true friends (as in they know everything about him), they probably realize that all we did was sleep. Anyway, I meet them… its all good. While cooking dinner the night before F grilled me on when the next time we could see each other would be. Well A should be coming home sat or sun, and leave probably wed, and I am going on the Bing trip to the Loire Valley this weekend, so I say Thursday. That’s safe, right? Oh juggling… Anyway, that morning we are all talking and I am like, youre not a bad boy… blah blah blah, and hes like, well next time you come I will be a bad boy. Right I am sure… I mean, maybe he really was just tired. And he is 30, so hes not as frisky as usual? I dunno… we’ll see.

Anyway, its now Sunday night and I think A and his family just got home! Well, someone just walked in the house, but no ones talking so maybe its host aunt? I cant fucking wait till he gets back. I am so fucking horny after all that non fucking. YAY SEX! WITH MY FUN CONDOMS!! Too bad my stomach just started growling like an evil bitch. I am going to go down some pepto. Yummy. Will write soon to say how it went!

My First Night with F

2007-04-14T10:26:00.000-07:00

So I wake up feeling like absolute shit. I sleep in to the latest possible moment then get up and run to work. Omg it was awful!!! I had that like heavy, thick hungover feeling in the pit of my stomach and I wanted to die. More awesome, it was my first full day at work so they ordered lunch for us all from the japonese place around the corner. It was good, but I was dying. I thought I was going to puke the whole time. I got this huge new project too and realized I was doing it pretty much all wrong so I was super stressed too. Blech. I left work exactly on the dot, ran home and jumped in the shower for my date with F. I showered, shaved, slathered on some make up and ran out the door. I was so like stressed and rushed that I forgot to bring condoms! I bought like a million condoms before I came back to Paris—even one of the crazy fun packs or whatever—and I haven’t had a chance to use them yet! (first my suitcase was lost, then I got my period so I couldn’t try them out with A either…) Anyway, F is practically 30 and really hot, and last time I left him with a major case of blue balls, so I figured he would have that covered.

So I got there, he picked me up from the metro station, and we went directly to his apartment and watched Crash. It was really nice cuz I was still feeling like ass. He was sweet about it too and just like held me and stuff. Plus he was not as shocked/disgusted as I thought he would be about me getting wasted the night before. He was like, that’s good! You should party, you’re young… And crash was like a really really good movie too…

So it finished and we just like sat there and watched the credits role. I was like, so umm are we gonna get it on now?? We kinda like skirted around the issue for a while. He was like, so what time do you need to be home? And I was like, I don’t have to work till late tomorrow. He was like, oh that’s good. I have to work at 7. AWESOME. Then he was kind of like, so would your host family get really worried if you didn’t come home tonight? The host fam is on vacation! PROBLEM SOLVED. “want to go to the bedroom? Its more comfortable…” Ummmm YES PLEASE! So we go in there and I take off my sweater and get on the bed. So we kind of awkwardly start making out, dry humping, you know all that good stuff. Beard burn like woah again. And the thing that looked like open herpes sores on my lip had just finally healed. Oh well… totally worth it. So we start hooking up… It takes forever for any of my clothes to come off, but finally they did, and woo hoo! I was right, he was a fan of the head. He was down there FOREVER!!! Too bad I am a FREAK and will never ever have an orgasm EVER. I feel like I get too much into my own performance to get into whats really going on. Lol. I don’t know… maybe I just need more practice… :)

So then it gets weird… of course, its F… So hes going at it for a long time, then just like gets up and jumps off the bed. He opens the window, gets some water, then goes and washes his hands. UMM WHAT??? Yeah. He picks up my clothes and starts FOLDING THEM and putting them al in a pile. Then he gets back on the bed and starts up again… He is a freak. Okay so then I kinda start trying to get his clothes off. Its not workin so great. Finally I get his pants off and I ALMOST DIED. Any guess on choice of underwear? Umm multiple choice time…

A) Boxers

B) Boxer Briefs

C) RED AND WHITE STRIPED BIKINI CUT

Yeah I will let you figure that out. Ok so we are going at it forever and then he just gets up again. This time he closes the window and goes pee (for like the tenth time, might I add). So he comes back again and I am like trying to get him to fuck me. I mean, language barrier kinda blows in this situation and I didn’t want to yell out, DO YOU HAVE A CONDOM, but that’s all I really knew how to say. So I just kept grabbing him and grinding into his crotch. He kinda stops after a while and is like, so I am tired and really hungry. I haven’t eaten since 12. Umm, okay… I tell him to get up and eat. He gets up and PUTS HIS PANTS BACK ON!!! Hes like, do you want pajamas, and i am like, no i am okay... (for some reason i am really comfortable naked around him... he is a really good ego boost cuz he is always saying how beautiful i am and stuff... major points.) Hes like, no its okay take them take them take them, so he gives me pajamas… nothing even cute, just a t shirt and boxer (yeah he owns them, he just prefers the SPEEDO???) I am kind of like, oh don’t worry about my stuff you can leave it there. And hes like, umm I like cleaning up. Oh no. So then he goes into the kitchen and cooks himself like a HUGE meal. He eats, has his “desert”—2 plain yogurts—and we go back into the bedroom. He looks at me and is like, so do you want to take a shower? Umm no thanks. Are you sure? No I am okay. You can if you want. NO ITS OKAY I WILL SHOWER TOMORROW. It really wouldn’t bother me if you did. NOOO, I don’t have any of my stuff here and I am tired. Do you want to brush your teeth? Umm I don’t have a toothbrush. You should bring some stuff to leave here… Do you want to wash your face?

By then I was like, oh fucking jesus, I am going to bed. He goes into the bathroom and gets his toothbrush, then comes back in the bed. He literally brushes his teeth FOREVER, like seriously 5 minutes at least. Then he puts on pjs and folds all his clothes all nice and neat and puts them away. Then he goes back and washes his hair. He comes back into the bedroom with 4 different bottles. I am not fucking kidding you its TWO kinds of ASTRINGENT and TWO DIFFERENT MOISTERIZERS. Umm yeah. He takes out a little cotton ball and like does his face. You guys… what the fuck did I get myself into?? So after this whole long thing he finally gets like under the covers with me.

So he puts his arm around me and is like ready to go to bed kinda… but he like starts rubbing my back and I start kissing him and we kinda start going at it again. I’m naked and I am like trying to get on him again. After a while he says, sorry I don’t have protection. OF FUCKING COURS .you don’t. So whatever, I get on top and start grinding on him, and out pops ‘je t’aime.’ I am a retard and that actually means I love you in French, so I hurredly say, ‘umm pas,’ which means not… aka I don’t love you. Lol. He stops and is all like, you don’t like me? Oh boy. So I am like, no not like that… then he starts saying that he is FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME and that I am going to fall in love with him and that he is a serious person and he is serious about me. He is only dating me and only wants to see me and once a week is not enough. Then comes out with this great line: ‘I don’t fuck. I only make love.’ FUCK FUCK FUCK. He goes on saying that if I lived in France he would really want to be with me. And he was all like, you are going to fall in love with me too—this is dangerous. I was kind of playing along I guess, like, yeah I am sad that I have to leave and we shouldn’t get really serious because it will break my heart… blah blah blah. Then hes all like, are you a serious girl? (meaning do you fuck around a lot?). I was like, umm noooo…. Oops. Anyway, after a LONG time talking about all this love shit, we start making out and grinding up against each other again. He goes I have a condom. UMM WHAT??? He is so freaking weird. So he grabs it and we start making out and shit, then he gets up again and goes to the bathroom with the condom. He comes back and hes like its shit its wrong it doesn’t work its nothing. I was all like, what? I don’t get it… And hes just like, it just doesn’t work. Umm okay.

So he gets in bed and I flip to the spooning position. He starts kissing my back and like running his hand up and down. He completely finds my spot (like right below my neck on my back…) and I get shivers and I am freaking out. I am grinding on him and keeps repeating how much he wants me and shit. I am like, so fuck me already. I guess the condom is expired or something? I dunno. SUCKY. I kind of grab his dick, but I am really bad at that. I like seriously don’t know what to do a dick in my hands. It was weird and I couldn’t really tell if he was hard or what… After a while he was just like, I am really tired. I have to wake up in 4 hours. You should come over this weekend and then we can stay together all night and we wont have to wake up. Umm okie…

So we just went to sleep.

The next morning he woke me up by running his hands up and down my back and like rubbing my back. Amazing way to wake up… We made plans for Friday… will write about it soon!

my life is pretty boring

2007-04-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

So i decided to make this next message a 2 parter. First part has some background and update on what i did the past week. Second part is about my last date with F and why i am completely fucked with him. I am not feeling so in the bloggy mood, so this part will be kinda boring life update, and the next one will be good. promise. someone requested more sex, so part 2 will be graphicly detailed... get excited... muahahahha.... okay prob not really but whatever...

ANYWAY... my life is pretty boring and i am a lazy piece of shit, so i didnt really do anything over the weekend. I dont think i even left the house for a whole day. I downlowded the L Word and I am on season 3 already... oh boy. Kinda want to be a lesbian just cuz they all seem to be having such good sex! (sadly i am not). lets see... I made pancakes for dinner with D on friday (? or sat??). we had 2 bottles of wine, one being a kinda nice white (picked out by me :) ) and a nasty red, picked by him.... Oh 1.50 euro of vinagery goodness... I have been having stomach issues again, and this had been like the first real meal i had eaten in paris practically. Then we started on the red and i was having none of it. 2 glasses in i was like, umm excuse me i am going to go puke. Say bye bye red wine. I was completely fine once that shit was out of my system and D was actually really surprised that it went so well. he called me a graceful vomiter. :) at least i can do one thing gracefully... still havent been able to eat a real meal without wanting to puke. Hopefully this will pass soon, but not before i have a killer body! hahaha... i swear i could stop eating forever and still not be skinny... well we are about to find out!
I finally went to the pharmacy and picked up some birth control! yay me! you dont need a prescription here, so i just went in and got some random kind. and i kinda disregarded the instructions and just started it right away. is that really bad? o well, too late now. God i hate it so much. is been 3 days and i already forgot to take it today and i swear my skin is already getting fucked up. this is annoying. i hate being a girl.
So lets see... Tuesday night i hung out with Ar and Ir... They are kinda weird and crazy, but like my only friends right now, so gotta love them! They moved into a super cute apartment in the marais, the jewish/gay area and its sooo nice. we met up with their friend who lives like a block away from them and then went to the pop-in, are pretty cool bar. I had eaten soooo much before going out and then drank way too much beer so i felt pretty shitty by the end of it. When i got home i knew i needed water or to puke but i just passed out. BAD IDEA. the next day was the first day i had to be at work in the morning and i had a movie date that night with f. Oh wednesday was a doozie... will write about it soon.

Sorry this entry sucked... i am feeling pretty gross. and tired. and boring and unfunny. Next one will be better, i promise. F is the most amazing person ever. i swear to god if i didnt know him i would not believe he is real...

Pretty Day

2007-04-07T17:11:00.000-07:00

OMG today was a LOOOOONG day. First had lunch with D, Cs BF... Really fun and hes sweet... Yes hes kinda dorky, but whatever. hes sweet and i like him. will from now on be attached to him at all times... :). C--He gave me the message... You are an asshole. He also told me that you think i really do like A. Fuck you.
Next i went to my date with F. He drove me to Sceaux (spelling?) Park. IT WAS AMAZING. it was a beautiful day and this park is seriously magnificent. Like SOOOOO NICE. Its HUGE and we walked around for a while, then found a cute spot in the grass to lay out in the sun. It was about the time that i get really tired in the afternoon, so i was kinda like passing out on the grass, but it was amazing. The grass was soooo thick and soft and green and there were flowers and trees and fountains and a chateau kinda thing in the background. Seriously, it was perfect. F was still pretty boring, but it was actually kinda nice. We talked about a lot of random stuff in between long pauses... A lot of it was dumb, but a lot was kinda sweet. He is an only child, and his parents divorced when he was little and apparently it kinda fucked with him... That explains his utter awkwardness, but at least now i know hes not just a freak for no reason, right? He explained that he really likes puzzles and oragami and stuff like that.... He is kinda shy and didnt have many friends growing up--also explains the awkwardness... He made me an oragami star that was actually like really complicated... it was cute :)
After a loooong ass time at the park we left for his house. When we got there his dad and his gf were there, and i was like, OMG-HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS!!! No, thank god, he doesnt, they were just dropping off their pet birds while they go on vacation.... hahaha. But HOLY SHIT WAS IT NICE. its kinda small, but it has a view of all of paris that is freaking incredible. He lives in a suburb, so its kinda far from the actual city, but fuck you guys it was seriously the best view ever. You can see the eiffel tower, sacre coeur, invalides, montparnasse, EVERYTHING. And when the sun went down it was freaking gorgeous. omg. hes worth it just for the view. Anyway, we drank cokes and watched tv. Nothing crazy. no touching, in the style of F... crazy boy. He made me dinner. Sooo freaking hilarious. Our first course... He brought out tomatos, canned tuna, and canned corn. I AM NOT KIDDING. he sliced the tomatos and put them in a ring around each plate, spooned the corn into the middle, and put a piece of tuna on top. SERIOUSLY. he was like, yeah i love a presentation, each night i do this for myself. UMM YEAH--HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THAT! i almost died. then he pulled out ONE TALL CAN. yes one. we split it with dinner. amazing. I told him to put on some music, and he let me in on his favorite types. NO JOKE: Disco and "original motion picture soundtracks." Umm yeah. Favorite bands? ABBA and THE VILLAGE PEOPLE. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. he put on some r&b shit, then changed it to the Pearl Harbor soundtrack. Umm first song: There you'll be by Faith Hill. I seriously could not make this shit up if i tried. oh man. It was getting kinda hard. I mean, we had been hanging out since like 3 that afternoon, and there wasnt much more to talk about...
At one point he left the table and was making the second course (rice, veggies, and fish for him and really tough beef for me...) and i started thinking about A. F was talking about my birthday and how we need to hang out and all this stuff, but A is going to be here too. I def want to be with A, but i feel like a total bitch. F is really sweet and hes being so freaking sweet and i dont even want him. I seriously got teary thinking about how fucked up this all is and how i am going to be so fucked for my b-day and especially in the summer, if it gets that far. I shouldnt like A.... No matter how perfect it is, after this summer i am most likely never going to see him again. And i feel bad about F too. Not so much that i care that i wont see him again, but i feel like he likes me and doesnt really realize thta i am leaving. Even though i keep saying it. Oh that language barrier really fucks with me.
Anyway, i didnt end up crying, even though i felt like a total bitch, and after dinner we watched a movie... Carlito's Way with Al Pacino... Really really good. During the whole thing we just sat next to eachother. Kind of touching arms, but a lot of the time he would like pull away. He took my shoes and jacket earlier and i was literally like freazing, but still no contact. The movie ended and he was like, so should i take you home? UMM NO YOU RETARD. i just said whatever he wanted to do. He noticed i was cold (was it the goosebumps or the INVOLUNTARY SHAKING???) and he GAVE ME BACK MY COAT!!! this guy is an idiot. he offered me a drink though (vodka and coke, yummy) and we sat and watched tv a bit. He finally started to hold my hand and kinda play with my fingers. wow, what a charmer.
i dont know how it happened but he we were talking and all of a sudden he kissed me!!! YAY. First thought--he has THE softest lips EVER. Like seriously, i dont even think girls have lips like this. Second--his stubble is going to give me the worst beard burn of my life. Third--AWFUL KISSER. You guys it was so bad. SO BAD. like tongue flicking all over the place... side to side, circles... With his mouth just like open on top of mine. I couldnt even move my lips anywhere. There was nothing to do. Then there would be a like kong fu grip on my bottom lip. like hardcore, him sucking it off practically. Umm wow. no wonder his last relationship fell apart. I am fucking surprised it lasted 6 fucking years. wow. he had a feild day with my boobs. omg. like seriously at one point he was licking them LIKE AN ICE CREAM CONE. Like, tongue out, licking up the side. hahahaha. oh man. and he was making out with my neck in the same manner as above, which kinda got me to thinking that he would probably be really really good at giving head, all that flicking and shit. Unfortunately after a while i kinda called it off. He offered to move to his bed, and i said i should probably head home. I am on the rag and hadnt shaved... I can at least pretend to be modest (i mean, as long as i am saying i dont really smoke and dont really drink, i can pretend i am not a slut too, right?). God it kills me how sweet and perfect he was about it. He just drove me home (which took like 20 min, poor guy) after i gave him a killer case of blue balls. I am such a bitch. He wants to take me to dinner this week in paris somewhere. he almost so perfect, but just off by enough to be wrong.
I miss A. I wish he was here so we could cuddle in my bed. Its a cold night and without him i am gonna have to wear socks to bed. So not the same thing. : (
What the fuck do i do? This is all going to fucking explode in my face on my bday. i just cant decide. I mean, i probably could but i dont want to. A is barely ever here. After those few days next week he is gone until june. But F is getting so serious. Its not casual enough for me to even think about seeing A on my bday, let alone juggling them both during the summer. Not to toot my own horn, but i think F really likes me. I mean, hes almost 30 fucking years old, and i am leaving after the summer, so he should know better, right???
FUCK I AM A HORRIBLE BITCHY WHORE.
what do i do????

Back In Paris

2007-04-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

So I am back in Paris!! It is scary being back, pretty much all alone this time, but I really don't regret it. At least not yet. My host brother A has been home, and its amazing. Well I think it is. I still can't tell if I really like him, or if its just that I am really lonely and desperate and he lives across the hall. He's so cute and sweet though. On my way home from wherever I just want him to be home so he will hold me. And I want him to be there at night to fuck me too I guess... But is that it? If he were anyone else would I care? My other frenchie F is around too, but I dont want him, I want A, so i guess theres my answer. And F is really really hot, so i feel like picking little A over him counts for something, right? Except that F is so boring i could die, so not really, huh...

ANYWAY... I am freaking out about A for the moment because i am sure his parents know about us. Last quarter there were sly remarks made at the dinner table, but I just thought they thought he had a crush on me, which is fine by me. Our last dinner made me think twice, as host dad pointed out that I would be leaving before he would get back but that i shouldnt get too upset because he would be back when I got back from spring break. Umm awkward, but still nothing to worry about. When i got back my new house mate said that the host mom and bro were talking about me in a hushed whisper at dinner. And then i started talking to him about it that night while in bed and he explained that they probably knew, or at least had an idea. He also said something along the lines of "Well we have had girls in our house for the past 20 years, it was bound to happen." Fuck that. just cuz it was bound to happen doesnt mean that its okay that his parents will remember me as being the slut that fucked their son in their house while they slept. FUCK. I really REALLY need to move out this summer.
Well it doesnt much matter now i guess. They know and they havent kicked me out/murdered me in my sleep, so i guess i am in the clear. Plus they just left for a week and a half to go skiing in the alps and then he will only be back for like 3 days before leaving for London until June, so i wont really be able to do anything anyway. I am not going to be able to look host parents in the eyes ever again though. Fuck.

In other news, I started the new internship!!! Its only been 2 half days, but so far its really cool. Its an office of all girls again, but they are all super sweet and cool. The work is pretty much just data entry and translation stuff so far, but its like interesting subject matter so its not too bad. Then again its only day 2, so we'll see how it goes... Tonight one of the girls was having a house warming party and she invited me! It was so awesome. We had drinks and she made little appetizer things and there was cake and it was all in french!!! Dont kill me but i really might want to move here some day. (and its not just cuz i want to marry A and take advantage of all his houses and have french babies, not completely anyway). I am a little more optimistic about staying here all by myself after today. Hopefully I will make friends with these people? Not really, they are all kind of older. But maybe we can get drinks here and there?? hopefully??? I am trying to be a glass half full kind of person right now. I feel like its not going to last much longer...

I have a date with F tomorrow. We are going to a big Park/forest thing near his house then dinner (i dont kno if we are eating at his house or what...) . I am not looking forward to it so much... He is just SOOOO NOT COOL. hopefully it will be better, and maybe we will have more to talk about after this little vacation... I will let you all know how it turns out. The sad thing is, i dont even know if i want to hook up with him. I mean, i guess i should give it a shot. He had a gf for 6 years and hes is almost 30, so he should be good, right?? Ugh A kinda sucks but he totally makes up for it in cuteness. I guess we will see what happens....

Hmm thats all for now. See what happens when your friends dont send you emails and are never online? you become a freaking blogger. Excuse me i am going to go puke now.