Gone Again

A ended up staying until Friday morning, and it was amazing. Just so much fun and hanging together, sleeping in and being together. I love the level of comfort I feel with him. I feel completely at ease with him. I am totally me. And he likes it. He gets me. We just work together. And its nice. really really nice. He had a lot of work to do in his house, painting and all, so we spent most of the time hanging at his house. And by hanging i mean watching him paint and occasionally fucking. His last night he had a dinner with his friends, but we met up at his afterwards. We stayed up all night talking, kissing, watching TV, and just being together. After an hour of sleep we had to leave. I took him to the train station. From the moment we left his house I was crying. We had a beautifully dramatic goodbye at the train station, kissing while he is on the train and I am on the platform. Watching the train pull away. Me silently crying my eyes out on my way home.

Its not that hes leaving. Its not that he will be gone for a month. Well its kinda those things. But its mainly that every time I think about him I realize that I am really falling for him. And that when he gets back to Paris we will have 9 days together, and then I leave Paris. For good. I think about getting on the airplane and not knowing whether or not I will ever see him again. If I will ever come back to Paris. Its that I want him here now. Its that my heart breaks every time he leaves and I know it will just happen again. And next time I wont have a date to look forward to seeing him again. Next time it will be the final good bye. And thats why I havent stopped crying since yesterday. Thats why I am being a bitch to E in the cafe. Thats why I ate 3 cups of ice cream last night. And that is why I know I really did fall for him.

At the same time I also know that this is not a real relationship. Its imaginary. Its ten days of bliss and then a month apart. Every time he comes back its for the most part amazing. He does things that pisses me off, but I let him off cuz we dont have much time together. And the things that piss me off are usually stupid and BECAUSE he is leaving so soon. Like him going out with his friends and not seeing me. Normally, that would be FINE. Actually thats completely normal. When he is here for a short time that makes me cry. And believe me, I am not like this usually... I dont think... I am not clingly psycho girl I swear. This time around I was a lot better too. I didnt just wait around for him. I didnt cry when he didnt see me. I had a life too. And he was a lot better too. He called more. He came by more. We went out together... Dinner, drinks... He met my friends. Twice. When he went out with his friends I only complained a little and he came home before 2. It wasnt just about sex. He would come over after painting and seeing his friends and we would both be tired. We just talked and hung out and watched movies and smoked pot. And that was even better than fucking sometimes. We fell asleep holding each other and woke up still holding each other. He was even clingy sometimes!

But now hes gone. And then I will be gone. Right now I feel empty. And lonely. A is my best friend in Paris. And now I have barely 2 friends here. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out. I want to cry all the time. I have that empty gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach. And if its this bad now leaving Paris will kill me. And that is what is making me sadder. Anticipation for the worst moment of my life (okay maybe thats a bit dramatic). But leaving this city I love, to go back to my shit home life then back to my shit school life. I am soooo excited to see all my friends again but this city is my home. And A has my heart. And when I leave I am afraid I will just be a ghost of a person.

I will come back to Paris. But when? What will it be like? If I am lonely now, what will it be like then? Will I still want to see A? Will I even want to come back? I hate the future. I want to know what lies ahead. I want things to stay exactly the same. Well how it was when A was here. And ship my friends to paris... and put wifi in my apartment. Then life would be absolutely wonderful. too bad life is only wonderful in dreams. :( Now I can only cry and dream.

Cry and dream.