Phone Call

So about not missing him that much... Cut to a day later where I am sitting on my bed sobbing. Yeah, umm lets just say its not pretty. I texted him earlier that day and I knew I wouldnt get a response any time soon. I just miss him SO much it literally hurts. I have no friends, so all I can do is sit around and think about how much I like him, how much it sucks that I will barely see him this summer, and how I will be able to survive leaving Paris and possibly never seeing him again. All this and I am sure he is just hanging out with the fam in their beachside mansion wherever he is, sipping chilled sangria or something and generally living it up. Does he even remember me anymore? Cue the tears...

Well I got my answer at 1:30 AM in the form of a glorious phone call... He called me!! well actually he messed up when he was trying to return my text, but whatever, I TALKED TO HIM. We talked about a lot of stuff and it made me want to never leave Paris. He misses me and is deciding whether or not he will go to Corsica. I obviously was telling him not to go, and I kind of mentioned I would come visit him if he went. He obviously wants to go, but said he really wants to be with me too, and really liked the idea of me coming there. He will be staying with his cousin and said I could stay with them, so I would just have to pay for the plane ticket. I really really want to go but I dont know if he was serious or if it can actually work out. I will have to take off work, but the week before I have a friend visiting and I am already taking time off. I need all the info NOW and I am guessing I wont get it until the day before... (Memories of London quickly come to mind...)

We talk about the rest of the summer and it becomes extremely apparent that he does not realize that this little time might be all we have. He says we will have at least a month together, and I say thats too short. I say how I am so sad that I have to leave in September and how I am afraid I will never come back to Paris. He never considered this option: 'No you will graduate stanford find a really good job and come live in Paris.' Oh really A? Is that what is going to happen? I fucking hope so, but seriously lets get real. I tell him he should not go to fucking Canada and US, not while I am in Paris! I tell him to go next year when I am there and he says he will definitely come visit me next year. (REALLY? Once again I am hit with that signiture A move of being so chill and nonchalant about something that is actually a big deal and acting as if it is a given...) He also starts talking about how he really needs a job, and thats why he might not go to Corsica. He might also not go to America if he gets a job, cuz they prob wont let him go for 3 weeks. He should not have told me that because now that I know that that is an option, I am pretty surely going to hound him into not going. And if he does go I am going to be really messed up about it. Great.

Of course throughout this whole talk we were both saying how we missed each other and how horny we are and eventually this phone call became phone sex. I mean, we all saw it coming... A call at 1:30? yeah i knew it was coming. But HELLO AWKWARD. I didnt know how to start and I dont like doing myself, if you know what I mean. plus as unshy i might be talking about shit, i got super shy telling him stuff. I couldnt use any descriptive words and just ended up saying stuff like 'I want to be on top' and 'fuck me hard'. He came in like 3 minutes, so I guess he was happy. After we hung up I started regretting doing such a bad job though. And then I realized that this could be a way to tell him exactly what I want him to do to me in bed. Next time I am going to give him details of like the perfect way to fuck me and then hopefully he will get the hint and actually do it to me. Then I started thinking about things... If we did somehow stay together for ever, does that mean I am going to have to keep faking it for the rest of my life?!?!? Dont get me wrong, I love fucking him and it feels good, but I can NEVER come. Not with him, not with other guys, not with battery operated replacements. I was hoping this would pass somehow, but if I am forever with A, I might never get that. Lets fucking hope he gets the hint next time he calls...

Now I am stuck with this idea of going to visit him and if he really wants me to, or if he was just being nice before phone sex. Hmmm, will ask for details and hope they come soon.