So I am back in Paris!
But with a new blog...
Thatchickinparis.blogspot.com
check it out
Friday, October 24, 2008
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
The Blog
This blog began as a way to talk to my friends while I am away. We usually tell each other everything about our lives in graphic detail, not to mention live it out together. Being across the planet proved hard to keep everyone up to date with my life, and I realized that many people were missing big chunks of the story. So I set up this blog to be like a mass email to my friends back home. Hence the excruciating details about everything that ever crosses my mind.
But now I am realizing I will soon have a problem. In less than a month I will no longer be a cali girl in paris. I will just be a cali girl in cali. And my friends will all actually know what is going on in my life. Well most of them anyway. What will I write in this blog? Not to mention who will read it? I am not too convinced that other people besides my friends back home actually read this. And if thats the case, when all I see are my friends, who am I going to write about? I cant exactly talk about people when they are reading this!! Maybe I will try to make it more bloggy and less every detail of my life that ever happens. Hopefully I will make my way back to paris and it can all start again.
BTW, I openned the comments thingy up to everyone, so write me a message!
But now I am realizing I will soon have a problem. In less than a month I will no longer be a cali girl in paris. I will just be a cali girl in cali. And my friends will all actually know what is going on in my life. Well most of them anyway. What will I write in this blog? Not to mention who will read it? I am not too convinced that other people besides my friends back home actually read this. And if thats the case, when all I see are my friends, who am I going to write about? I cant exactly talk about people when they are reading this!! Maybe I will try to make it more bloggy and less every detail of my life that ever happens. Hopefully I will make my way back to paris and it can all start again.
BTW, I openned the comments thingy up to everyone, so write me a message!
Friday, August 17, 2007
Scared
My brother was here for a week! So much fun... I was worried it would be weird, since we never really hang out together normally, but it turned out great. The last night got a bit boring and we kind of ran out of stuff to say to each other, but that was also the night after a trip to amsterdam, so we were both a bit wiped out, to say the least. Definitely my favorite night was when A got back from Corsica before heading to Canada. He met up with me and my brother and we went to dinner (an amazing meal btw). I feel like the two meshed well and then we went to meet V and her sister, who was also visiting, at my favorite sangria bar in Paris. It was just a perfect night. We came back to my apartment and my bro went to bed and A and I watched movies on my computer. And what i mean by watch movies is fuck to movies trying to make zero noise. Hopefully my brother was sufficiently drunk to pass out hard? Yes? I hope...
Now with my brother gone I am seriously lonely and miss A more than ever. I love just talking to him and I feel like I have so much to tell him right now. I want to talk about my trip, about my brother, about staying in paris, about graduating. We just sit in bed and lie there together and talk for hours and I love it... and the sex too... But realizing this makes me think the thing I crave really is just friends and people I can talk to. And its true. A is my best friend here and when he is gone I am pretty lonely. But at the same time, one reason I really like him is because I really can talk to him about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I love talking to him and the things I want to talk about are about Paris and other things we have talked about. And thats my idea of a great relationship. That you love to talk to each other and are ABLE to talk to each other all the time. So maybe it is more than me just not having enough friends, or maybe it intensifies my feeling for him. But I cant help it. I still am crazy about him even though I know I am working myself for the biggest heartbreak when I leave. Not to mention sitting around and being depressed and mopey my last few weeks in Paris. I know its stupid and not worth it but I am totally deep in it. I even got a cute message from Kiwi and all I could think about was how much I dont want to see him and how much I wish it was A coming early. Thats bad.
And now I am scared. More like terrified. The A situation and just the whole Paris situation brings up so many questions about my future and my hopes and dreams and what I want and what will happen in the end.
Will I be able to leave Paris without totally losing my shit? Will I go back to school and totally hate it and not be able to get back into the swing of things? Will A and I stay in touch? Will I want him when I leave? Will I try to wait for him? Will he wait for me? Will I be able to come back to Paris at all? Is the only reason I want to come back him? If I come back will it even be the same at all? How the fuck am I even going to get back here? Am I going to get lazy and comfortable in the US again and not want to come back? Am I going to be able to leave my friends and family again to come back and be lonely? What if I came back and didnt have A? Will this time in Paris turn into that happy memory of the year I spent in Paris and thats it? Will it be an opening in my life that I miss and have my lost life that I think about and wonder if only? Or will it be the beginning of a whole new life I will start here?
I dont know the answers to any of this and it scares me to think what will happen.
But in fact I dont give a shit to what will happen. I just want what I know that is FOR SURE going to happen not to happen. And that is leaving Paris now. It is all ending like I have a big timer above my head but I dont have enough time to finish like I want to. Everything is going well with everything and now I just have to up and leave. I have to leave A because my time is up, not because I dont want him anymore. If anything I want him more than ever. And that is basically the most unfair thing I can imagine right now, and I am crying thinking about it.
And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And that's what absolutely terrifies me.
Now with my brother gone I am seriously lonely and miss A more than ever. I love just talking to him and I feel like I have so much to tell him right now. I want to talk about my trip, about my brother, about staying in paris, about graduating. We just sit in bed and lie there together and talk for hours and I love it... and the sex too... But realizing this makes me think the thing I crave really is just friends and people I can talk to. And its true. A is my best friend here and when he is gone I am pretty lonely. But at the same time, one reason I really like him is because I really can talk to him about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I love talking to him and the things I want to talk about are about Paris and other things we have talked about. And thats my idea of a great relationship. That you love to talk to each other and are ABLE to talk to each other all the time. So maybe it is more than me just not having enough friends, or maybe it intensifies my feeling for him. But I cant help it. I still am crazy about him even though I know I am working myself for the biggest heartbreak when I leave. Not to mention sitting around and being depressed and mopey my last few weeks in Paris. I know its stupid and not worth it but I am totally deep in it. I even got a cute message from Kiwi and all I could think about was how much I dont want to see him and how much I wish it was A coming early. Thats bad.
And now I am scared. More like terrified. The A situation and just the whole Paris situation brings up so many questions about my future and my hopes and dreams and what I want and what will happen in the end.
Will I be able to leave Paris without totally losing my shit? Will I go back to school and totally hate it and not be able to get back into the swing of things? Will A and I stay in touch? Will I want him when I leave? Will I try to wait for him? Will he wait for me? Will I be able to come back to Paris at all? Is the only reason I want to come back him? If I come back will it even be the same at all? How the fuck am I even going to get back here? Am I going to get lazy and comfortable in the US again and not want to come back? Am I going to be able to leave my friends and family again to come back and be lonely? What if I came back and didnt have A? Will this time in Paris turn into that happy memory of the year I spent in Paris and thats it? Will it be an opening in my life that I miss and have my lost life that I think about and wonder if only? Or will it be the beginning of a whole new life I will start here?
I dont know the answers to any of this and it scares me to think what will happen.
But in fact I dont give a shit to what will happen. I just want what I know that is FOR SURE going to happen not to happen. And that is leaving Paris now. It is all ending like I have a big timer above my head but I dont have enough time to finish like I want to. Everything is going well with everything and now I just have to up and leave. I have to leave A because my time is up, not because I dont want him anymore. If anything I want him more than ever. And that is basically the most unfair thing I can imagine right now, and I am crying thinking about it.
And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. And that's what absolutely terrifies me.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Not His Day
H called me on Tuesday, and we made plans to meet up the next day. I dont know why I did it. Okay I kno why, I am spineless and I cant say no and I feel bad and hes my friend and the sex was hot. So shoot me.
5 min before we are supposed to meet up he calls me and directs me to another metro stop, 3 stops and a metro change away. I get there and hes late. We walk to the bar he wants to show me, but its closed. We end up walking to where we were supposed to meet up, and go to another bar he likes. Its closed too. Its starting to rain, so I take him to a bar I know. He feels pretty stupid for being late and making me walk everywhere and he seems pretty nervous. He apologizes and offers to pay for my drinks. He cant get the waiter's attention forever and finally has to go to the bar. When we get ready to pay, he realizes he doesnt have any money. I say its fine and offer to pay, but he says no and runs off to the atm. We go to a corner store to buy beer and the clerks think he is american and are all talking to me and kind of flirting. Poor H...
We go to my aparment and chill. Listen to music and what not. He announces that he will have to leave to chatch the train in 30 min. Okay. Then he plants a very awkward kiss on me. I start laughing. Oops. 'Do you think this is funny? Me leaving or me kissing you?' I try to explain that its just strange kissing him and stuff, but it doesnt go very well. Whatever, we make out more and I direct him to come into my bedroom. I am wearing tights so i run and try to peal them off real quick. Not sexy. We start kissing but I have to pee so i run to the bathroom. I kind of killed the mood i guess. Oops. H has turned on my light and as we start kissing and moving toward the bed I turn it off. It goes pitch black, and I say thats what I like. Apparently he likes a little light. I suggest candles, but it takes a while to get them set up and stuff. Again not sexy. We try to undress eachother but we are both fumbling around. Finally he goes down on me, and its okay but not like the first time. I reach to get a condom and he says he has one. He excuses himself though and goes to the bathroom.
-umm are you okay?
-I'm so sorry I dont know what happened this has never happened before.
-Oh um its okay, lets just go to sleep, or what time is it?
-This is so embarrassing. I am just 23!! This shouldnt be happening!
-Its okay. You can sleep here tonight. Lets just chill out and watch a movie.
We start watching Edward Sissorhands and half way through we stop it and start fooling around again. he goes to find a condom and we cant find them and he loses it again. Poor guy i think he is going to cry
-I HATE MYSELF. why is this happening?? I have a beautiful girl next to me and I have been going crazy all night. I was afraid you would notice it so finally i had to kiss you because I couldnt take it any more. Oh god this is so embarrassing.
oh man... He is taking this hard. I try to say its okay and stuff, but he is dying a little bit inside i think. He says he likes giving me pleasure though so he goes down on me again. Again it was better before. He goes for the condom again and this time he stays hard. But the sex lasts about 3 minutes tops. He comes so fast I cant really believe it. Neither can he. I thought he was bad before, now he is a bit more than embarrassed. Poor guy.
We go to sleep and he says he will call me the next day. He does but I was asleep and dont answer. Last night he calls me and wants to come over but I kind of brush him off, making excuses. Its not cuz of what happened, its just that I dont want to see him every other night. I feel awful though.
But I am really glad he didnt come. At 2:30 A calls me. I have been missing him a lot. I am over the whole crying thing, but I still wish he was here. We just talk about nothing and have fun and I like him a lot. He is coming back to Paris for like a night or two, hes not sure. He was excited at the prospect of meeting my brother, but not so much at the fact that my brother will be staying in my room and therefore he cannot stay in my room. Well, maybe I can work something out. I just want to see him though. : (
Man i am so tired i want to crawl under my desk and sleep forever. Sorry this one came out not too exciting, I am just not that excitable at the moment. I hate rain.
5 min before we are supposed to meet up he calls me and directs me to another metro stop, 3 stops and a metro change away. I get there and hes late. We walk to the bar he wants to show me, but its closed. We end up walking to where we were supposed to meet up, and go to another bar he likes. Its closed too. Its starting to rain, so I take him to a bar I know. He feels pretty stupid for being late and making me walk everywhere and he seems pretty nervous. He apologizes and offers to pay for my drinks. He cant get the waiter's attention forever and finally has to go to the bar. When we get ready to pay, he realizes he doesnt have any money. I say its fine and offer to pay, but he says no and runs off to the atm. We go to a corner store to buy beer and the clerks think he is american and are all talking to me and kind of flirting. Poor H...
We go to my aparment and chill. Listen to music and what not. He announces that he will have to leave to chatch the train in 30 min. Okay. Then he plants a very awkward kiss on me. I start laughing. Oops. 'Do you think this is funny? Me leaving or me kissing you?' I try to explain that its just strange kissing him and stuff, but it doesnt go very well. Whatever, we make out more and I direct him to come into my bedroom. I am wearing tights so i run and try to peal them off real quick. Not sexy. We start kissing but I have to pee so i run to the bathroom. I kind of killed the mood i guess. Oops. H has turned on my light and as we start kissing and moving toward the bed I turn it off. It goes pitch black, and I say thats what I like. Apparently he likes a little light. I suggest candles, but it takes a while to get them set up and stuff. Again not sexy. We try to undress eachother but we are both fumbling around. Finally he goes down on me, and its okay but not like the first time. I reach to get a condom and he says he has one. He excuses himself though and goes to the bathroom.
-umm are you okay?
-I'm so sorry I dont know what happened this has never happened before.
-Oh um its okay, lets just go to sleep, or what time is it?
-This is so embarrassing. I am just 23!! This shouldnt be happening!
-Its okay. You can sleep here tonight. Lets just chill out and watch a movie.
We start watching Edward Sissorhands and half way through we stop it and start fooling around again. he goes to find a condom and we cant find them and he loses it again. Poor guy i think he is going to cry
-I HATE MYSELF. why is this happening?? I have a beautiful girl next to me and I have been going crazy all night. I was afraid you would notice it so finally i had to kiss you because I couldnt take it any more. Oh god this is so embarrassing.
oh man... He is taking this hard. I try to say its okay and stuff, but he is dying a little bit inside i think. He says he likes giving me pleasure though so he goes down on me again. Again it was better before. He goes for the condom again and this time he stays hard. But the sex lasts about 3 minutes tops. He comes so fast I cant really believe it. Neither can he. I thought he was bad before, now he is a bit more than embarrassed. Poor guy.
We go to sleep and he says he will call me the next day. He does but I was asleep and dont answer. Last night he calls me and wants to come over but I kind of brush him off, making excuses. Its not cuz of what happened, its just that I dont want to see him every other night. I feel awful though.
But I am really glad he didnt come. At 2:30 A calls me. I have been missing him a lot. I am over the whole crying thing, but I still wish he was here. We just talk about nothing and have fun and I like him a lot. He is coming back to Paris for like a night or two, hes not sure. He was excited at the prospect of meeting my brother, but not so much at the fact that my brother will be staying in my room and therefore he cannot stay in my room. Well, maybe I can work something out. I just want to see him though. : (
Man i am so tired i want to crawl under my desk and sleep forever. Sorry this one came out not too exciting, I am just not that excitable at the moment. I hate rain.
Saturday, August 4, 2007
Gone Again
A ended up staying until Friday morning, and it was amazing. Just so much fun and hanging together, sleeping in and being together. I love the level of comfort I feel with him. I feel completely at ease with him. I am totally me. And he likes it. He gets me. We just work together. And its nice. really really nice. He had a lot of work to do in his house, painting and all, so we spent most of the time hanging at his house. And by hanging i mean watching him paint and occasionally fucking. His last night he had a dinner with his friends, but we met up at his afterwards. We stayed up all night talking, kissing, watching TV, and just being together. After an hour of sleep we had to leave. I took him to the train station. From the moment we left his house I was crying. We had a beautifully dramatic goodbye at the train station, kissing while he is on the train and I am on the platform. Watching the train pull away. Me silently crying my eyes out on my way home.
Its not that hes leaving. Its not that he will be gone for a month. Well its kinda those things. But its mainly that every time I think about him I realize that I am really falling for him. And that when he gets back to Paris we will have 9 days together, and then I leave Paris. For good. I think about getting on the airplane and not knowing whether or not I will ever see him again. If I will ever come back to Paris. Its that I want him here now. Its that my heart breaks every time he leaves and I know it will just happen again. And next time I wont have a date to look forward to seeing him again. Next time it will be the final good bye. And thats why I havent stopped crying since yesterday. Thats why I am being a bitch to E in the cafe. Thats why I ate 3 cups of ice cream last night. And that is why I know I really did fall for him.
At the same time I also know that this is not a real relationship. Its imaginary. Its ten days of bliss and then a month apart. Every time he comes back its for the most part amazing. He does things that pisses me off, but I let him off cuz we dont have much time together. And the things that piss me off are usually stupid and BECAUSE he is leaving so soon. Like him going out with his friends and not seeing me. Normally, that would be FINE. Actually thats completely normal. When he is here for a short time that makes me cry. And believe me, I am not like this usually... I dont think... I am not clingly psycho girl I swear. This time around I was a lot better too. I didnt just wait around for him. I didnt cry when he didnt see me. I had a life too. And he was a lot better too. He called more. He came by more. We went out together... Dinner, drinks... He met my friends. Twice. When he went out with his friends I only complained a little and he came home before 2. It wasnt just about sex. He would come over after painting and seeing his friends and we would both be tired. We just talked and hung out and watched movies and smoked pot. And that was even better than fucking sometimes. We fell asleep holding each other and woke up still holding each other. He was even clingy sometimes!
But now hes gone. And then I will be gone. Right now I feel empty. And lonely. A is my best friend in Paris. And now I have barely 2 friends here. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out. I want to cry all the time. I have that empty gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach. And if its this bad now leaving Paris will kill me. And that is what is making me sadder. Anticipation for the worst moment of my life (okay maybe thats a bit dramatic). But leaving this city I love, to go back to my shit home life then back to my shit school life. I am soooo excited to see all my friends again but this city is my home. And A has my heart. And when I leave I am afraid I will just be a ghost of a person.
I will come back to Paris. But when? What will it be like? If I am lonely now, what will it be like then? Will I still want to see A? Will I even want to come back? I hate the future. I want to know what lies ahead. I want things to stay exactly the same. Well how it was when A was here. And ship my friends to paris... and put wifi in my apartment. Then life would be absolutely wonderful. too bad life is only wonderful in dreams. :( Now I can only cry and dream.
Cry and dream.
Its not that hes leaving. Its not that he will be gone for a month. Well its kinda those things. But its mainly that every time I think about him I realize that I am really falling for him. And that when he gets back to Paris we will have 9 days together, and then I leave Paris. For good. I think about getting on the airplane and not knowing whether or not I will ever see him again. If I will ever come back to Paris. Its that I want him here now. Its that my heart breaks every time he leaves and I know it will just happen again. And next time I wont have a date to look forward to seeing him again. Next time it will be the final good bye. And thats why I havent stopped crying since yesterday. Thats why I am being a bitch to E in the cafe. Thats why I ate 3 cups of ice cream last night. And that is why I know I really did fall for him.
At the same time I also know that this is not a real relationship. Its imaginary. Its ten days of bliss and then a month apart. Every time he comes back its for the most part amazing. He does things that pisses me off, but I let him off cuz we dont have much time together. And the things that piss me off are usually stupid and BECAUSE he is leaving so soon. Like him going out with his friends and not seeing me. Normally, that would be FINE. Actually thats completely normal. When he is here for a short time that makes me cry. And believe me, I am not like this usually... I dont think... I am not clingly psycho girl I swear. This time around I was a lot better too. I didnt just wait around for him. I didnt cry when he didnt see me. I had a life too. And he was a lot better too. He called more. He came by more. We went out together... Dinner, drinks... He met my friends. Twice. When he went out with his friends I only complained a little and he came home before 2. It wasnt just about sex. He would come over after painting and seeing his friends and we would both be tired. We just talked and hung out and watched movies and smoked pot. And that was even better than fucking sometimes. We fell asleep holding each other and woke up still holding each other. He was even clingy sometimes!
But now hes gone. And then I will be gone. Right now I feel empty. And lonely. A is my best friend in Paris. And now I have barely 2 friends here. It feels like someone has ripped my heart out. I want to cry all the time. I have that empty gnawing feeling at the pit of my stomach. And if its this bad now leaving Paris will kill me. And that is what is making me sadder. Anticipation for the worst moment of my life (okay maybe thats a bit dramatic). But leaving this city I love, to go back to my shit home life then back to my shit school life. I am soooo excited to see all my friends again but this city is my home. And A has my heart. And when I leave I am afraid I will just be a ghost of a person.
I will come back to Paris. But when? What will it be like? If I am lonely now, what will it be like then? Will I still want to see A? Will I even want to come back? I hate the future. I want to know what lies ahead. I want things to stay exactly the same. Well how it was when A was here. And ship my friends to paris... and put wifi in my apartment. Then life would be absolutely wonderful. too bad life is only wonderful in dreams. :( Now I can only cry and dream.
Cry and dream.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Love
At a bar with friends
-So you are in Love with him...
-What?? No!
-The way you just turned bright red and giggled would say yes...
-Hes not here long enough for me to love him. And I am leaving Paris! I may never see him again...
-So what? You still love him.
-Well during the simpsons movie he did squeeze my hand at the love part...
-Oh you have it bad...
Outside the metro station in the morning after a night together, before I have to go to work. A and I are talking/kissing/avoiding seperating.
-L'amour est beau! L'amour est beau! (Love is beautiful--an old man passing us says this)
-Il est beau...
-I don't love you! Maybe if you were here longer than a week at a time I could. But I dont want to love you.
-What? Dont say that...
-I am leaving Paris so soon. I dont want a broken heart. I like you a lot but I cant love you.
-Thats true... Well when you come back to Paris...
-You better not have a girlfriend when I come back
-Well how long are you going to make me wait?
-Forever...
Last night the old host fam invited me to dinner. Kind of awkward, sitting next to A and pretending like I havent seen him in months... And when his dad set up a dinner date for me to meet some guy he thinks I will like... And when his dad was getting pissy that A wanted to stay an extra couple days in Paris instead of leaving the next day with them. Because of me... I not so slyly asked A to walk me home. His parents told him to hurry back.
-So if you stay when will you leave?
-Thursday morning...
-Thats it? An extra night? Stay until the weekend!
-I cant, I have a ticket for the boat and I have to meet them.
We get to my door and kiss for a long time. A drunk girl walks by us and starts shouting 'Les Amoureux! Les Amoureux!' (The lovers)
-Stay the night
-Umm my parents might ask questions... Ha ha ha, they expect me back.
-Well come back later... Just say there is an emergency.
-Yeah I need to fuck my host sister! :)
-That might work...
-Well I should stay home if I want to stay the extra days. If I was leaving tomorrow i would just say whatever and leave, but now...
-No, come back! Please, who cares if they get pissed? They are already pissed and they will leave tomorrow and then it wont matter. Just come sleep with me... (kissing and hip movements work in my favor...)
-Okay I will try to come over... Okay I will come over later.
-Promise?
-Promise
He didnt come. He didnt call. I kind of figured as much, but a call would have been nice. But I cant shake the feeling that I want to cry. I am so scared his parents got pissed ane they are making him leave today. Even if he stays thinking about him leaving thursday is making me want to cry. Then I think about leaving Paris and I want to cry. I think about a whole year or more at school and I want to cry. I want to come back to Paris as soon as I can, but then I realize it will be super hard and it prob wont happen, and guess what? I want to cry. I have that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Hungry but I cant eat.
How is my heart breaking if I was never in love in the first place? Am I in love? Every time I start falling for A really, he leaves and I am mess. I fall just in time for him to rip my heart out. And guess what. He did it again.
I want to cry. Love sucks.
-So you are in Love with him...
-What?? No!
-The way you just turned bright red and giggled would say yes...
-Hes not here long enough for me to love him. And I am leaving Paris! I may never see him again...
-So what? You still love him.
-Well during the simpsons movie he did squeeze my hand at the love part...
-Oh you have it bad...
Outside the metro station in the morning after a night together, before I have to go to work. A and I are talking/kissing/avoiding seperating.
-L'amour est beau! L'amour est beau! (Love is beautiful--an old man passing us says this)
-Il est beau...
-I don't love you! Maybe if you were here longer than a week at a time I could. But I dont want to love you.
-What? Dont say that...
-I am leaving Paris so soon. I dont want a broken heart. I like you a lot but I cant love you.
-Thats true... Well when you come back to Paris...
-You better not have a girlfriend when I come back
-Well how long are you going to make me wait?
-Forever...
Last night the old host fam invited me to dinner. Kind of awkward, sitting next to A and pretending like I havent seen him in months... And when his dad set up a dinner date for me to meet some guy he thinks I will like... And when his dad was getting pissy that A wanted to stay an extra couple days in Paris instead of leaving the next day with them. Because of me... I not so slyly asked A to walk me home. His parents told him to hurry back.
-So if you stay when will you leave?
-Thursday morning...
-Thats it? An extra night? Stay until the weekend!
-I cant, I have a ticket for the boat and I have to meet them.
We get to my door and kiss for a long time. A drunk girl walks by us and starts shouting 'Les Amoureux! Les Amoureux!' (The lovers)
-Stay the night
-Umm my parents might ask questions... Ha ha ha, they expect me back.
-Well come back later... Just say there is an emergency.
-Yeah I need to fuck my host sister! :)
-That might work...
-Well I should stay home if I want to stay the extra days. If I was leaving tomorrow i would just say whatever and leave, but now...
-No, come back! Please, who cares if they get pissed? They are already pissed and they will leave tomorrow and then it wont matter. Just come sleep with me... (kissing and hip movements work in my favor...)
-Okay I will try to come over... Okay I will come over later.
-Promise?
-Promise
He didnt come. He didnt call. I kind of figured as much, but a call would have been nice. But I cant shake the feeling that I want to cry. I am so scared his parents got pissed ane they are making him leave today. Even if he stays thinking about him leaving thursday is making me want to cry. Then I think about leaving Paris and I want to cry. I think about a whole year or more at school and I want to cry. I want to come back to Paris as soon as I can, but then I realize it will be super hard and it prob wont happen, and guess what? I want to cry. I have that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Hungry but I cant eat.
How is my heart breaking if I was never in love in the first place? Am I in love? Every time I start falling for A really, he leaves and I am mess. I fall just in time for him to rip my heart out. And guess what. He did it again.
I want to cry. Love sucks.
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Fourth Surprise
Having A back is amazing. I know hes a flake and young and stupid, but i really like him. Going out with him and just sitting together and talking and drinking and kissing is so fun. Then we come home and make out on the stairs and fuck all night. Yumm. Falling asleep together we cuddle and he kisses my back. Waking up is evil but toegether we slowly pull eachother up (and sometimes back in). Everything is perfect and I dont want it to ever end.
At work just thinking about the great sex of last night... Slightly drunken, long lasting, many moves, all over the place. And a sublime sleep together.
One of my coworkers comes up to my desk and hands me her phone. uh wha?
Hey Sista, surprise!
Oh shit. Its Kiwi. His accent is more fun than I remember. I am so awkward. I dont know what to say, and I am at work! I am bright red and giggling like a school girl. He says its hot in LA and he is naked and getting in the shower. 'Umm its hot here too!' Oh god, why cant i think of anything clever to say. 'Duh I am a retard...' okay so its not that bad but it might as well be. I take the phone back after we end the worst phone conversation I have ever had and going back to my desk is like the walk of shame. I cant stop giggling and blushing.
God four surprises in less than 3 days. I cant take all this action! I love all the attention, I do, but sometimes i miss nobody liking me and my life not being a psycho shit show.
Well, maybe not really...
At work just thinking about the great sex of last night... Slightly drunken, long lasting, many moves, all over the place. And a sublime sleep together.
One of my coworkers comes up to my desk and hands me her phone. uh wha?
Hey Sista, surprise!
Oh shit. Its Kiwi. His accent is more fun than I remember. I am so awkward. I dont know what to say, and I am at work! I am bright red and giggling like a school girl. He says its hot in LA and he is naked and getting in the shower. 'Umm its hot here too!' Oh god, why cant i think of anything clever to say. 'Duh I am a retard...' okay so its not that bad but it might as well be. I take the phone back after we end the worst phone conversation I have ever had and going back to my desk is like the walk of shame. I cant stop giggling and blushing.
God four surprises in less than 3 days. I cant take all this action! I love all the attention, I do, but sometimes i miss nobody liking me and my life not being a psycho shit show.
Well, maybe not really...
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